The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past - Spoof Review  

In a Pig’s Eye!
by JuMeSyn

10-16 hours


Rating definitions 

In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups. The police who investigate crime and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.

The People’s Exhibit B – proving malicious environmental damage attributable solely to Ganondorf. The People’s Exhibit B – proving malicious environmental damage attributable solely to Ganondorf.

   Hyrule, July 6. 10:08 AM.
Detective Joe Fontana: What is it these days, does New York not have enough crime on its own? Do we have to go find more?
Detective Ed Green: Hey man, this is your big chance to get away from it all. We go upstate all the time, but Hyrule hasn’t accepted visitors in years.
Det. Fontana: They sure didn’t do a good job of prepping the place for tourists though. Why are all these crazy bats attacking us? And who ever heard of there being Muzak outside?? This damn Muzak all sounds the same to me!
Det. Green: It sounds fine to me, just a little artificial – like it was generated on an outdated keyboard and sound system. It is weird though, since when does synthesized music get pumped around outside?
Det. Fontana: Looks like we’re finally at the castle. That Zelda and her father the King, they ought to have what we need.
Castle Guard: Ah, the detectives from New York are here! Please, this way. The King and Princess Zelda await! I live to serve!
Det. Green: Wow, these people really take the whole monarchy system seriously….
Zelda: Oh, detectives, thank you for coming! My father is feeling ill today, but I hope to answer all the questions you have before you can apprehend that evil fiend, Ganondorf!
Det. Green: Your father is ill? I thought he was the one who specifically requested our jurisdiction be temporarily expanded to include Hyrule.
Zelda: I’m sorry, but after everything Ganondorf did to him and to our people – kidnapping maidens (like me!) and sending them into another dimension, bringing insanity to the soldiers so that they attacked citizens without warning, warping the world of the Triforce to mirror his own madness, brutalizing everyone who stood in his way – well, my father just can’t take it anymore.
Det. Fontana: I’m interested now. It’s not every day we get to take on someone who actually tries to conquer the world. So what else do you need us to know – and what else do you not want us to know?
Zelda: Well, I was saved from Ganondorf’s evil plot by a young man named Link… is that what you needed to hear? Without anyone else to help him, he somehow defeated Ganondorf and restored the Triforce to its former glory! I would have invited him to speak with you, but he doesn’t talk much.
Det. Green: He’ll have to talk once we grab this Ganondorf, since it sounds like he’d be a prime witness. But first we have to find the guy. Do you know where Ganondorf would be?
Zelda: Actually, ever since Link beat him, he seems to have been stalking children for their lunch money in the Lost Woods.
Det. Fontana: I can’t wait to bring this perp in. Oh, Miss Zelda – is it usual for you to have such gigantic heads?
Zelda: I – I think so. Everyone in Hyrule has a large head, but you seem amazingly tall to me. And I can make out all of your fingers instead of a pink blur – what kind of strange place New York must be!
*The two detectives make their way into the Lost Woods and find a den of thieves.*
Det. Fontana: This is NYPD! We’ve got word that a Ganondorf is in this thieves’ nest, and we’re going to get him! We don’t care about the rest of you – although I WILL care if someone else tries to take my wallet!
Det. Green: I see him! That piggy fellow trying to run away!
*A chase proceeds, ending only when Ganondorf runs into a tree. Det. Green slaps handcuffs onto him as Det. Fontana reads him his rights under New York law, while cheerfully slapping the visible bruise from the tree’s impact.*
Det. Fontana: Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like that trip didn’t take very long. Hyrule isn’t as big as it looks.
Det. Green: It would’ve taken half the time if that crazy forest made sense. Sheesh!

The People’s Exhibit E – proving consistent and premeditated inattention to law and order, a direct result of Ganondorf’s inflexibility. The People’s Exhibit E – proving consistent and premeditated inattention to law and order, a direct result of Ganondorf’s inflexibility.

   New York Superior Court Trial, October 14
Executive Assistant District Attorney Hank McCoy: Mr. Ganondorf, everyone in this room knows why you are here. Would you care to explain how it was that you conquered the entire land of Hyrule, tormenting its people for decades and slaughtering them with your minions whenever you felt like it??
Court-appointed Defense Attorney: Mr. McCoy, you know that my client was under the influence of the Triforce at the time! Furthermore my client’s ‘minions,’ as you so disparagingly label them, were far from invincible! My client wanted to make a land that that strong could feel good about themselves in! With a bit of trial anyone can defeat them!
ADA McCoy: THAT is your defense? That because his goons could be killed by someone skilled enough, it was fine to have them kill anyone incapable of that? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this is clearly a madman!
Court-appointee: I resent the implication that my client was insane!
ADA McCoy: Oh REALLY? We have heard the testimony of the man who dealt with these creatures, and he told us that many of them are impossible to destroy without special devices – special devices that Ganondorf hid away! Never mind that those devices are incredibly easy to use once accessed, the fact that they exist in limited quantities means even the STRONGEST opponent is helpless without them!
Court-appointee: Well, yes – but running away is always an option!
ADA McCoy: So your client flat-out admits that running away or dying in combat with his goons is the only choice? I don’t think we need to hear any more!
*The court-appointed attorney converses with Ganondorf intensely, under the withering gaze of the jury and onlookers. The attorney visibly gives up and ceases speaking with Ganondorf.*
Court-appointee: If it pleases the court, my client wishes to take the stand in his own defense.
Judge: I can’t think of anything he can say that could exonerate him at this point. Still, he does have that right under New York law.
*Ganondorf is sworn in to the witness stand.*
ADA McCoy: Mr. Ganondorf, you stand before the court today on trial for just about every capital crime recognized in the United States! What can you possibly say to justify the things you did?
Ganondorf: How is it, then, that my incredibly formidable power base was dismantled by that stinking Link in no more than 16 hours? HOW DID HE DO THAT?
ADA McCoy: It may be true, Mr. Ganondorf, that Link deposed you in around 16 hours – but you didn’t make it easy for him! That total doesn’t include however many times he had to be revived by the fairies of Hyrule!
Ganondorf: I never thought that the boy could fight that well! My soldiers were supposed to be better than that – HOW DID I LOSE!?? My dungeons were supposed to be strong enough to hold anyone at bay – HOW DID A SNOT-NOSED PUNK CONQUER THEM!??
ADA McCoy: The unexpectedness of your defeat does not address the issue of its deservedness, Mr. Ganondorf! Nothing you have told the court gives any reason to doubt the applicability of your being held accountable for the crimes you have committed!
*Ganondorf attempts to escape, needing to be forcibly restrained by police.*
Ganondorf: It matters not! Kill me now, let me rot in jail: I will return!
ADA McCoy: Say what you will, Mr. Ganondorf. For now you have proven to the jury the validity of the charges brought against you!
*Ganondorf is led away, writhing and screaming. McCoy and Assistant District Attorney Connie Rubirosa exchange a few words as they leave the courtroom.*
ADA Rubirosa: Is it true that Link was so bored with peace, he actually started competing with his own identical twins for glory?
ADA McCoy: I think so. Still, he isn’t harming anyone else, and trying to stop people who want to fight with each other is more troublesome than a lot of other things we could be doing with our time.
ADA Rubirosa: Ganondorf at least is going away forever, and good riddance. But his last words bother me….
ADA McCoy: It’s fine, Connie. I stopped counting the number of people I prosecute who vow to get back at me before you could drive. You should try that too.
ADA Rubirosa: I’ll try.

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