Diablo II -- Diary of an Addict

Diablo II -- Diary of an Addict

By: Glaven?

Review Breakdown
Battle System	6
Interface	6
Music/Sound	6
Originality	6
Plot	6
Localization	6
Replay Value	6
Visuals	6
Difficulty	Bob Costas
Time to Complete	int main() {    return 0; }
Overall
Putrid>
Criteria

   Day 1. Spent 55 bones on Diablo II. Got scoffed at by friends who got it for $50, and later by friends who successfully bootlegged it... Day 2. Installed Diablo II. Messed up something in the process. Uninstalled it and went about my business... Day 3. Reinstalled Diablo II. Messed up on the CD-KEY. Went to bed... Day 4. Successfully started Diablo II. Created a character and went onto Battle.net. Crashed. Rebooted and went to class... Day 5. Finally got into some gameplay... single player. Time to first porcupine: 15 seconds...

   Day 6. Found my index finger throbbing red. Maybe it was something I ate... maybe it was all the incessant clicking. Not really sure. Downed a bag of pop corn and found myself dying and losing all my money... Day 7. Wow, there are other enemies besides porcupines. Encountered little imps with blue skin. Fought them by moving the mouse pointer over them, clicking, and holding. Impressed by the sheer fun of it all... Day 8. Shifted from porcupines to imps yesterday, but now there seem to be nothing but imps. Continued to click and hold, watching the so called "experience" meter move nowhere... Day 8. Didn't play D2 at all, instead staring at my Cartman doll. For some unexplicable reason, felt like I had the most fun I had since a week ago. I wonder why...

   Day 9. Decided to fiddle with the menus. Bag was full of items after only picking up a sword, some money, and a self help book. Had to decide what to drop and what to keep. Reaching the extent of the game's strategic aspects, no doubt... Day 10. Booted up D2 and again stared at my bag. It wasn't getting any emptier. Decided to see what the Right click did -- lo and behold, my guy made use out of bone (sounds like Secret of Evermore) and made a skeleton warrior. Skeleton warrior died in 3 seconds... Day 11. Slowly going insane...

The game starts to look the same after awhie.

   Day 12. The longest I spent playing D2. Wandered around the random maps, watched as internet lag chopped up the textures. I died 11 times today. 8 of those deaths happened when no one was around. Apparently a powerful Ping monster came out of nowhere and did a "packet loss" attack. 8 times. Successfully. Hmm. Took a short break to look out the window and experience daylight. Went back to D2 to find my index finger suddenly the strongest muscle in my body. I wonder why. Gained about 100 pounds...

   Day 13. Realizing that this game is not a game at all, but a reflex/point-click software tool. Suddenly found the use of this application. Drilled myself in targeting and clicking with the fastest reflex rate in seconds possible. Resorted to talking in nonsensical gibberish and bantering with online nobodies as I gleefully watched the mouse pointer zip around the screen. Left D2 and found that my Desktop-Icon targeting skills were increased by 100 percent. Barring the fact that 100 x 0 = 0, that is...

   Day 14. Lost all excitement about the reflex/point-click application revelation. Found myself crying that I had wasted time on increasing my mouse clicking skills and letting my other skills, such as living my life, deteriorate. Continued to play anyhow. All Diablo and No Fun make Chupon go something something. All Diablo and No Fun make Chupon go something somethingAll Diablo and No Fun make Chupon go something something. All Diablo and No Fun make Chupon go something something. All Diablo and No Fun make Chupon go something something. All Diablo and No Fun make Chupon go something something. All Diablo and No Fun make Chupon go something something. All Diablo and No Fun make Chupon go something something.

   All Diablo and No Fun make Chupon go something something. All Diablo and No Fun make Chupon lose respect for Blizzard. Don't mind if I do! Day 15. Diablo2 was not played today. Day 16. Diablo2 was not played today. Day 17. Diablo2 was not played today. Day 18. Diablo2 was not played today. Day 19. Resuming normal lifestyle. My index finger has now shrunk smaller than my bicep. I am SO happy.

See what I mean?

   Day 20. Admitted myself to the hospital for an MRI on my brain. It seems part of it has deteriorated due to "excessive mindless activity." Thanked the doctor, went home, and played Gauntlet Legends. Which I don't have, nor have I ever played. Which makes the statement before the preceding a complete lie. Mindless activity toys with your head.

End of diary. You know what? Diablo 2 is a great game. It's great great great great great great great great. It made me realize that life is not a bunch of mouseclicks. But it is a whole slew of other things. Life is filled with porcupines and dead people, and wonderful wonderful rogues unrealistically clad in next to nothing. The world is a beautiful dark green rainy place with FMV scattered in between chapters of my life. Diablo 2 is godsend.

Alright I'll stop right now. Let's be serious here -- all the accolade for mindless mouseclicking? Diablo 2 made me cry when I saw my two roommates sit there. A wave of pity ran through my heart. Every day, all I heard was clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick "OH YOU #@!%!!" clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick "You @$$, stop stealing my kills!"clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick Where has our sanity gone? When will humans learn that we can't go around whacking porcupines with swords?

Well, it's um. A dude in front of a gate.

All in all, Diablo deserves to be looked at. At the very least buy it for the box. It's got a really cool box. I like the box. I mean, a 55 dollar box may not sound worth it, but considering the effort I spent in making this spoof-view sound incoherent, take my word for it. Spend 55 bones on Diablo2. Sell the game, cherish the box. It is ALL worth it. Amen.