"Will you Remember Me?"
By Irwin Kwan, ikwan06@home.com
Deus ex Machina: The Xenogears Tale http://members.tripod~project_xat/
[Author's Note: Spoilers for Disk 1: If you're past the Party Scene, you're fine. Also, I haven't completed the game yet, but I felt a compelling desire to write about Quistis, who is quickly growing on me. I don't know how much of her past is revealed during the game, so keep that in mind as you read this fiction.]
[Author's Note, Edition 2: This version is rewritten slightly to account for some of the changes in the North American text.]
[Author's Note, Edition 3: This version has been further modified, mainly in the first entry, to account better for Quistis' past. SPOILER WARNING: Quistis.]
~~
Monday, September 8, 741 P.R.
There is a crude line drawing of a dome with a floating disk, surrounded by a wall that is short in comparison to the towering structure. In the foreground is a girl carrying a satchel, awing at the marvellous structure. The girl appears to be a young teenager. Her hair is coloured blonde, and she wears glasses.
Dear Diary,
I can't believe I'm here now. For years, I, Quistis Trepe, have been wanting to train as a soldier. To learn about the art of fighting, to be stronger than the others, and to be respected. And now, I'm finally joining.
I'm only thirteen, but yet, I don't feel young at all. I'm full of energy and excitement, and I hope that can offset any sort of immaturity that other people might think of me. I've worked out every day just for this event.
It'll be so exciting! They're going to welcome us with a bit of a Frosh Week, but I don't think I'll mind it. I'm strong. I can take it. Little Meowfu is beside me. She's so soft and cuddly even if she only is a stuffed kitten, but staring at her little face always brings me strength. I thought I was alone all the time in the orphanage, but Meowfu was always there.
I've been with the Gardens ever since I was ten, so I've been surrounded by the soldiers and trainees for a while now. I don't do much except for clean and serve food at the cafeteria. They wouldn't allow me to train formally with everyone else, since no one knew where I came from, but now, I've finally convinced them to let me in! I'll show them that I'm capable even though I don't know where my mom and dad are. They told me I was too young to train at ten years old, too, even though I've seen some really young children begin training.
But now that I'm thirteen, I'm registered, and I'll get my own dorm room, my own trainee uniform and everything! Meowfu is also happy for me too!
~~
Friday, September 12, 741 P.R.
There is a sketch of the same young girl with the glasses involved in a pie-fight with a bunch of older members. The taller figures are dressed in nice uniforms and are marked in the picture with label and arrows. The label says, "SeeD".
Dear Diary,
Oh, Frosh Week was so fun! We went to parties and out to eat and everything! I even managed to meet a few people who are in the same class as I am. I just found out that at thirteen, I'm the youngest of everyone there. It's sort of scary, actually, and more than a few times I was made fun of by the others because I was so little. But I walked away just like my mother taught me. I'll show them all that I'm just as strong as they are. Besides, I'll be fourteen next month, so it'll work out for me anyway.
I have a new roommate, her name is Lauraina and she is sixteen years old. She's very nice to me and she doesn't make fun of me at all. Sometimes, I'll draw silly pictures in my diary or pet Meowfu, but Lauraina seems to understand that everyone needs some sort of comfort.
In combat training for SeeD, we get no weekends off, since we have to be ready at any moment for any situation. I start classes tomorrow on the Saturday. They'll start by describing the ranks and stuff to us. Since I did well in social studies and mathematics in elementary school, I don't think it will be too bad. I can study well and yet keep myself physically fit.
All it requires is a lot of dedication and motivation. And both of those I have.
~~
Tuesday, September 16, 741 P.R.
The pen drawing depicts a group of people all pointing fingers and laughing at one person who is isolated and off to one side. Yellow pencil-crayon is used around her head to show blonde hair. In her arms, she holds a little cat, which is little more than a circle with whiskers and pointed ears.
Dear Diary,
I can't believe how mean they are to me! Today, the students started to make fun of me because I was so little. They all told me to go home and to go back to my parents. They said I wouldn't be ready for combat training.
So I'm writing to you and I'm holding Meowfu because that's all I can do right now. I can barely see what I'm writing because my glasses are somewhere on the nightstand beside my bed, and my tears on the page are streaking the ink.
Why am I so broken up about this? Why am I crying all because of this? I thought I was strong. All I need is myself. I know that, but if that's so true, why does it still hurt when they mock me and separate me? I don't think anyone wants to be my friend. They're all so much bigger than I am and if I don't run away, they're going to beat me up. Even if I know how to fight, they'll still get their friends and I'll never win.
The teachers are no help. I told them and they just said that I should solve my own problems, but I don't know how. Normally, I'd talk to Mother or my friend Matenna about what to do, but now, I don't have anyone to turn to except for you, diary. Even if you can't respond, I hope that just listening will help... because that's all I need is to know that someone is there.
Oh, damn, here comes Lauraina in the main room, if she walks in and sees me crying then she'll.....
Hey, I'm back. And I'm not crying anymore. Lauraina saw me crying and instead of making fun of me like the other kids, she instead asked me what was wrong and instead just let me sit and cry. It was like we were long lost sisters or something. She just listened to my problems. She didn't say anything to me, and just let me cry. It's so good to know that someone is willing to listen. To me, that's all the comfort that I need. People tell you to solve your own problems, but how can you solve them if you don't even know what the problem is? Talking about it helps you figure out what exactly's wrong.
After I stopped crying we started to chat about little things, you know, where we came from and stuff like that. As I talked I realised that I was so weak because I still knew nothing. Compared to the other kids, I'm little and I don't know much, but now, I'm going to work twice as hard as them all so I can be just as strong. I told Lauraina this and she laughed and congratulated me, and she said that she'll be backing me all the way. So even though I'm not totally happy, even though I know they're going to make fun of me again, I'm going to take it and beat them.
And then, the teachers will notice me, and then, the students will notice that me, Quistis Trepe, is just as good as they are.
~~
Thursday, November 13, 741 P.R.
There are many groups of people standing around various lockers around in this pencil sketch. The lockers are wide open and on display and drawn in surprising detail are various weapons, like the broadsword, the whip, the spiked knuckle, the nunchucks, the flail, the mace, and the katana. A girl coloured with blonde hair is reaching up toward the leather whip.
Dear Diary,
Today, we chose our favourite melee weapon to use in our training for SeeD. I chose the whip.
Despite the people who made fun of my choice, calling me a want-to-be bondage queen and stuff, I still stand by my decision. I managed to ignore them all and even scare them when I snapped the whip. The sound was so loud that it silenced the entire room.
I decided on the whip because it's made for those who have more skill than strength, and although I'm pretty strong, I'd rather rely on the elegance of the whip to pull me through a battle. With it, I can twirl it around things, deal light gashes if I choose, or kill outright if I need to. It's not like a broadsword where once you swing, you can't recover, nor does it have the short range of fists or daggers. In a way, using a whip is sort of like dancing... ribbon dancing like the Chinese do.
Lauraina says I have the figure to dance. My figure is starting to develop and maybe that will help calm down the guys who think I'm still just a little girl. But I'm still going to work out, because I can't rely on false hopes. I don't think I'm ugly, but who knows what everyone else thinks! And I don't really care! Looks aren't everything, especially when you're a soldier in SeeD. No one will know what you look like, and the only reason they'll care is when you're being carried home in a box before your funeral.
I don't want to look pretty for my death. I'd rather live.
Lauraina chose a weapon of her own design, actually. She was very used to using light firearms where she came from, so what she did was take her long-barrelled pistol, drafted out a few blueprints, and then took it to a blacksmith. What she came out with was something that still looked like a gun, but it also had blades on the upper and lower edges of the barrel! It can be swung around like a shortsword, but yet, in case she needs to, she can also fire it just like a pistol. It's such an innovation! I'm very impressed.
I'm also progressing well in my classes. Right now, my determination has pulled me right to the top of the Tactical Strategy class. I think it's a combination of my logical thinking, but yet, I don't fear being creative, so I end up developing a lot of different, rather unorthodox ideas that might just work in real combat. I'll need to talk to Professor Varsais about it. I hope I can actually meet with him, because he never seems to have time to talk to his students.
Tomorrow, we're starting extensive combat training, and in a month, we're going to be going out for extended work on the field. I'm going to pay close attention, because this sort of stuff is what's going to keep me alive from here on in. It's sort of sad that I won't be able to bring anything with me to Extended Combat Training, because it's going to be lonely out there, and I'd really like it if I could bring Meowfu to comfort me if it gets too scary. Combat is going to be very vicious. War's not pretty, and we all need to find any way we can to make us feel okay, even if others think it's immature.
~~
Saturday, January 3, 742 P.R.
The pencil sketch is of two figures. One of them is wearing a Trainee Uniform and the other is wearing a white gown and has blonde hair. The one in Uniform is holding up a stuffed kitten with one hand and a knife in the other. The knife is stabbing the stuffed kitten.
I can't believe it.
During the New Year's Party, someone went into my room and took my diary and Meowfu. My diary is a mess now. The bullies made fun of my drawings and how I had a little stuffed cat on my bed. They even took Meowfu and ripped her head off! I can't believe that I'm crying right now.
You see, in my dorm, someone had a party and Lauraina decided to join them, but she didn't lock the door and someone went in and stared to make fun of my stuff. Lauraina said that she tried to stop them but then they took it anyway. I walked in on them just as they were tossing Meowfu to each other, and I tried to get her back, but they kept on tossing her away from me until one of them drew a knife and stabbed it through her neck! I can't tell any of the teachers, because they don't know me enough, and they probably wouldn't even care or even make fun of me that I was so attached to a stuffed animal. Lauraine tried to comfort me and she even offered to help me sew up Meowfu, but the fact that it happened in the first place is what really burns me up.
I don't know what I can do to stop it. If only, perhaps, the advisors were closer to their students. My teacher, Instructor Anshew, is just a boss who calls himself "God" and insists that the rest of us listen to him without question. He's not a mean man or anything, and he's morally sound, but I don't think he really understands any of us. I think if he took even just a little bit of time to learn about us that we'd be able to learn and live better in Balamb Gardens.
Lauraina says I should write a letter to the big hot-shot, Headmaster Cid himself, but I don't know what he's going to do. Maybe if I find someone else who's also made fun of, I can get their help too, but right now, it seems like I'm the only person in the Gardens who is made fun of in this way. Maybe the Garden Faculty just doesn't care or something. They think that everyone should learn by solving their own problems.
But doesn't that usually involve violence? In school, if a kid was making fun of another kid, they'd beat them up, and then they were never made fun of again. But I don't want to be so immature to solve everything by violence. I want to make things better for everyone, and not just myself. How do I do that?
I'm going to hope that Lauraina can help me. I'm going to talk to her more. And maybe I actually will write that letter to Headmaster Cid... and Instructor Anshew. I think they'll ignore me anyway, but who knows, maybe someone will notice who I am and then take action. They'll listen to Headmaster Cid if they don't listen to me.
Meowfu has no stuffings left and her skin is really torn up, but I'm going to let Lauraina patch her up, and at least I'll keep her with me. It won't be the same as before, but Meowfu's still there and just knowing she's still around is what counts.
As for the other kids? Even if Headmaster Cid can't do anything, I'm going to do my best. I'm going to work triple-hard this time and show them all that I can be better than they can ever be. I'm going to fight hard to be SeeD, and I'm going to score more than anyone else on my entrance examination when it comes around in the winter. When I work harder than they will, maybe someone like Headmaster Cid or Instructor Anshew will notice me, and they'll remember me, and then they can do something about the bullies.
~~
Wednesday, February 4, 742 P.R.
Dear Diary,
I've fallen into a regular schedule now that involves almost nothing but work. However, I don't mind it at all. Every morning, I wake up extra early to do weapons training. I practice using the whip and I train with practice dummies and other students who also use whips. In fact, one day, I managed to run into a senior member of SeeD and he even took the time to give me a few pointers! When I'm experienced later on, I'm going to remember to help out new recruits, because they'll be better students because of it. Even his short conversation with me helped boost my confidence with the whip.
I'm also getting better at firearms. I've went to the shooting range more often lately to improve my shot, and so far, it doesn't look bad at all. With a rifle, I can aim perfectly at a non-moving target. Of course, moving targets are something else, but I'll work on that.
Then, I work out and lift weights. Lauraina says that I'm really physically fit for my age and I could probably wrestle her to the ground even though she's more than two years older than I am. She also says I could probably use her heavy gunblade with my strength. That's what Lauraina calls her new weapon. With some recommendations from some other designers, she made the blade a bit longer so it is a much more potent fighting weapon. Lauraina's such a good fencer with her gunblade, despite the fact that it's still an evolving weapon. I'll never be able to use it as well as she can.
But I also realise that strength isn't everything. Lately, I've been wondering what I can do to improve the teaching at Balamb Gardens and so I've been going to the library quite a bit to do research on the work of famous philosophers like Wan Fu and Sanfred Johnson. What they have to say is quite amazing, and I think that knowing what other people have written before me will help me establish myself. I don't want to just be an echo of some other famous person, so I'm going to have to know what they've said so I can say something similar, but yet, adapted for this time and age.
I'm not the best in everything... I realise that... but I know that all I need to do is to keep trying. There are obviously going to be people better than me at things, but it's not whether or not I'm good... it's whether my skills are noticed by others. That's what I've come to think... even the most highly skilled are useless to themselves and to others if no one knows that they exist.
~~
Tuesday, April 28, 742 P.R.
Dear Diary,
I've worked extra hard in the concentration classes for this semester, and I found out that I passed with flying colours. I plan to work this hard during summer, too. Most of the trainees take a month in the summer off, but I'm going to keep going at it so I can become a part of SeeD faster than everyone else. If I keep studying just as hard as I have, then I'd be able to pass my exam and get my SeeD title. The bullies around me haven't progressed quite as fast. In fact, I made it onto the Headmaster's Honour Roll this year, and Instructor Anshew even went out of his way to congratulate me! He barely knew my name, but he still showed that he was proud of my progress.
I'm very happy. Lauraina's happy for me too. She says that it must be tough for me, being only fourteen and all, to be so dedicated, but I tell her that it's because I want to do it this fast. I'm glad that Lauraina's my friend, because she's so kind to me and supports whatever I need to do if it's a good path.
~~
Thursday, September 3, 742 P.R.
Dear Diary,
The first of the new recruits for the Winter Semester has arrived. Since we're the senior trainees, we get to Freshie them. I don't really want to do it, though. In my mind, a better way for them to feel accepted is to just show them around or something. Hmm, I'm not sure what I'm going to choose to do. I haven't seen them myself... since Frosh Week officially starts tomorrow and lasts until next week, but I'm going to see what I can do.
~~
Friday, September 4, 742 P.R.
Dear Diary,
Today, I managed to learn about some of the recruits. In fact, I even found a group of them, all huddled and lost, and I showed them around. Even though it's dangerous, I showed them the Training Centre where you can actually fight and actually die against the creatures in the penned up area. One of them in the group, Seifer, was cocky and he charged right on in with his broadsword, hoping to prove himself in battle, but he was knocked down by one of the Grats and I had to rush in there and rescue him. He seemed emotionally bruised by my action, actually, and he glared at me as if I had just made another enemy.
The other kid behind me, I think his name was Squall, just sort of stared. Actually, when I saw Squall, I couldn't help but to be sort of attracted to him. He had thick dark hair and a strong build. I even tried to talk to him a couple times, but he wasn't too keen on responding. I think it's just because he was a new kid and I'm this trainee all trying to make conversation with him. But maybe I'll go out of my way to see him and even see if I can work harder so he'll notice me. That's really what I want. I want him to notice me, and maybe if we become friends, then he'll know that I exist, just like I know he does.
Yeah, that's it, I think. What I really want is to be remembered. Like, later on in life, a few years down the road, all I want to make sure of is that people remember Quistis Trepe, of Balamb Gardens. If I work hard, and excel at what I do, and make sure people are watching when I do my best, maybe people will actually notice me, and remember me, and recognize me for who I am, and what I want to be.
If I'm remembered in the hearts of people... just a few people, even, then I'd be happy. But I know that I'd have to return the favour. I'm going to be open-minded. I'm going to make an effort to learn about people, and maybe I'll remember them too.
~~
Tuesday, September 15, 742 P.R.
Dear Diary,
I tried to talk to this Squall guy, but he's as cold as ice. He doesn't seem to want to open up to anyone or anything... I don't think that we'll become friends. He's attractive-looking, but I don't think I'm really attracted to him anymore.
I told Lauraina about him, and she agreed that he was awfully good-looking, and she tried to chat with him (actually, I was sort of jealous), but she said that he didn't want to talk to her at all. And Lauraina's not a bad-looking girl at all. I think he's just an apathetic sort.
Apparently, him and that Seifer guy have been starting to compete in little things. It started off with the card games and stuff, but now, they're both starting to fight each other with fists in the Training Centre. I heard of this from Lauraina. Actually, what sort of surprised me was that Squall's the same age as me... fourteen. Right now, it's none of my business, but in a way, it sort of reminds me of my own past when I was first admitted into training. I wonder if it's because Seifer made fun of Squall or Squall made fun of Seifer that this sort of rivalry came across. Maybe if I had asked for change sooner, they both wouldn't be at each other's throats and we'd all be working productively as trainees, instead of fighting everyone else.
I admit, though, that it's the competition and desire to be better than the low scum that bullies are that has made me do so well, but I bet that many people aren't like me and are not able to turn their rage and anger into an ambition to do better. I wonder how many good soldiers SeeD has lost... how many brave men and women who quit because the bullying was too rough.
~~
Friday, November 6, 742 P.R.
Dear Diary,
Tomorrow is the big moment... the Seed entrance exam. I have my Guardian Force... Shiva. In fact, Instructor Anshew gave it to me personally, saying that my performance in the classroom as both a student and a leader has been astounding. See, in combat group a few weeks back, I held our group together because we were all falling apart. Some of the people who bullied me, like Josh and Bob, were in my group, and on a training mission to the forest, they started to fight with some of the other members, you know, verbal fights, being overly difficult, and stuff. I took it upon myself to raise my voice and scold them for their actions. It took an awful lot of bravery to do it, since I am still only a fifteen-year old girl bossing around people two to three years older than myself, but I was serious, and I guess it hit home. Since then, we've all managed to make up and we're all determined, as a team, to do well. It's sort of embarrassing to admit it, but I think I've been dubbed the unofficial captain of our squadron. That's what Lauraina keeps telling me, but I don't really think it's true. I'd rather have it that everyone would give input to make the team stronger instead of me being the leader. The people who used to bully me now look at me as an equal. I'm happy because of that, since it shows that my training and my ambition has all turned out to be good. They all notice me now, and I notice them for who they really are, and not just as a stereotype called Îbully'.
So things have been going well. Right now, there's no war going on with Galbadia, but everyone senses it right around the corner. On the borders just outside of the Dollet Dukedom, there are skirmishes. I have a feeling that our entrance exam will involve going through that area. Before a few semesters ago, SeeD exams weren't live combat, but now, with the tensions rising and the need for able bodies in high demand, they've changed the legislation.
I almost think that the way to determine whether you pass or fail is very simple. If you come back alive, and show that you've done something other than cower behind a tree, you pass. If you die, or if you hide from the battle, you fail. It's that simple.
My whip's been cleaned and I've sharpened the flail end to prepare it for any close-quarter combat. Of course, I also have my pistol, just in case.
I'm going to get some rest early and meditate on what I have to do. It's going to be a tough day tomorrow, and I don't want to screw up and put not only my own life in danger, but the lives of my comrades.
~~
Sunday, November 8, 742 P.R.
Boy, do I ever have a lot to talk about today. Yesterday, I had my exam, but I'm not writing until now because I needed to get some rest. Tomorrow night, they're going to have the ball to celebrate for those who passed. I don't get my test results for another half-day, so I don't know if I'm going to be going or not. But I'm sitting here, and I did well yesterday, so I'm ever-confident that I'm getting in.
We were in a group of six, total. I was with Lauraina, Bob, Hutchins, Alexander, and Mitchell. One of the senior SeeD members, whose name was Trent Sivens, was dubbed the Squad Captain. Our mission involved crawling through the area around Dollet, undercover, so we could strike at one of the supply depots that were serving the area. In missions like these, they always assign a senior member to the squads so if the squads mess something up, the captain can still take over and make sure the job's well-done.
Anyway, we sneaked around the area, trying to avoid anything like mines or tripwires. It was rough-going. Bob almost stepped on a mine, but he managed to avoid it at the last second. Then, once we were close to the depot, Sivens ordered me to be the one to run up to the side of the fuel tank without being detected. I scouted the area with my eyes, made sure I was clear, then went into the open, crawling on my belly, over to where the fuel was stored. I set the plastic explosives, but then, in a frightening moment, I heard something behind me. I felt a gun stuck to the back of my head, and a voice told me to move.
I was never so scared in my life. I moved, slowly, while the soldier took me and threw me to a standing position. He looked at me and wondered why I was so young, but he said that it didn't matter and it wouldn't make a difference if I was a child or not, he'd kill me anyway. Then, I knew I was dead. But worse than the pain of death was the fact that I'd never ever become SeeD.
Then, suddenly, there was a loud bang, and the soldier fell to the ground with a bullet through his head. At the moment, I didn't know what the hell was happening, but I didn't hesitate to run back into the forest. Later, I found out that Lauraina had shot the soldier with her gunblade. I thanked her profusely for saving my life after the exam was done. I adore Lauraina with all my heart now. She's such a dear friend to me.
As we retreated into the brush, the fuel tank exploded, taking out most of the camp and a lot of the surrounding soldiers. On the way back, some soldiers tried to stop us, but our quick-thinking squad managed to take them out. In fact, I invented a good tactic and ordered our group to split up, but to still be in range of each other so we could do flank attacks. Once, some Galbadian soldiers tried to intercept my group, but then I snapped my whip, and within moments, the other group came out from behind and we managed to annihilate the soldiers no sweat.
Some people get all squeamish when they kill, but I'm not adverse to it. I've had to kill more than a few times. I don't like killing... but I know that I have to do it. It's not going to like, eat at my soul or anything. Hmm, maybe I'll become a politician or something and stop the wars and then no one would have to kill anyone else. But that's for later.
After the battle was done, we came back to Balamb Gardens, and we found out that our squad was the only one which didn't have any casualties. One group had as many as three dead and the SeeD commander had to take care of the mission singlehandedly. But they told me that we all did a good job and that our teamwork was what kept us all alive. Even though none of us knew Trent before that day, we all managed to integrate him into our group like he was always a part of it.
But before all that, just outside of the main gates, I saw Squall and Seifer. They were both holding gunblades and looked like they were about to kill each other. Even though I was tired, hungry, and shaken up from the SeeD entrance exam, I rushed forward and ran in between them. I snapped my whip authoritatively and ordered them to put up their weapons. At first, they ignored me, but I shouted it louder and even was so brave as to go up to Seifer and take his weapon right out of his hand. I told them not to fight as long as they were both on the same side, and then I left them, and they didn't fight each other.
Actually, though, it was sort of embarrassing to do it, since I was doing like a big arrogance complex on them. And worse, I didn't notice it at first, but Headmaster Cid was in front of Balamb Garden's Main Gate and he had witnessed the entire exchange between me and the two trainees! He was at the front to welcome back the participants in the exam, but he noticed the brave, professional way in which I scolded the two kids and he went up to me and actually congratulated me! When I told hm that my name was Quistis, he actually smiled and said that he remembered my letter to him! I was so utterly amazed, and it really really made my day to know that he knew who I was! I was in a good mood after that. Headmaster Cid is a good man, and just knowing that he'll remember me is a great comfort in my heart.
Lauraina was also amazed that Headmaster Cid spoke to me personally. She was proud that all of my actions were finally noticed and said that maybe bullying would end in the school. She even said that I could probably become a teacher! I was amazed by this evaluation, because I never really considered teaching at all. Ever since she said it, though, it sort of floated in and out of my head and now I'm wondering: maybe I could become a teacher. I'm always thinking of ways to improve Balamb Gardens, to make changes and stuff. In fact, I've flipped through the diary here and I've said more than once that if teachers would maintain a better relationship with their students, then maybe things would turn out better. I always felt uncomfortable around Instructor Anshew. I hope I can later on make students more comfortable around me.
But first things first. I actually have to make it into SeeD!
~~
Tuesday, November 10, 742 P.R.
It's actually really really early morning Tuesday. I stayed up late today. Right now, Lauraina isn't back yet. I guess she found someone to hang around with for the evening.
I went to the ball, and although it was quite fun, I wasn't much of a dancer. I instead opted to just sit around with some of the other SeeD members to chat.
Yep, I'm a full-fledged SeeD now, and I'm really happy about that! There's nothing that can bring me down! I passed, faster than anyone else, and it's such an honour. I have to remember, though, that just because I'm SeeD doesn't mean I get to do whatever I want. I still have to concentrate and make sure that I'm dedicated to my studies. I have to advance in SeeD too. I can't sit back and relax just because I made it. But I know that if I work hard and do what I believe in, things will turn out in my favour.
But, for the night, I decided to forget about my problems for a while. I chatted with a lot of my friends and I mentioned the incident with Squall and Seifer to them, and even talked about my own experience with bullying, and asked them what they might do to help prevent it. I started to brainstorm a few ideas, like teaching kids about the wide diversity of SeeD trainees or telling them that you could expect any aged person to join. I also considered the fact that teachers could be more helpful to the students too.
It's not just me and Lauraina who think I could teach. Bob said that I was filled with so many ideas that I should try for an Instructor's Permit. Hmm, yesterday, I said I'd try, yet I don't think I really believed it. But now, I'm starting to. I'm going to go to the Office of the Registrar and ask them what I'd need to learn how to teach.
Actually, now that I think of it, teaching would be good for me. I want to know if people miss me. It's sort of conceited in a way, I guess... you know, wanting to know if people will remember you and stuff, but you have to be able to serve your own dreams before you can make everyone else happy too. I think that by teaching, I'd be able to imprint on people's minds.... the image of me. They'd be able to remember me if I do a good job of teaching. And also, I don't want to be just a teacher... I'd also want to be the student's friend, so I can help them learn more. If I made an effort to learn about my students, then I'd be able to help them out more and they'd be able to improve, and as long as I can help them learn, they'll remember me. Also, it'll make a better SeeD force too if the students all feel comfortable around their teachers.
One day, maybe someone will say, "I remember Teacher Trepe and how she..."
Who knows. I'd like that very much if it happened.
~~
Wednesday, December 23, 742 P.R.
I can't believe it! I'm so happy!
I met with Headmaster Cid and I found out that he's given me permission to take Instructor Training Courses! I'm ecstatic about this!
I at first wanted to apply with the Registrar's office, but then Headmaster Cid himself asked me when I'd have time to meet with him. He told me... personally... that he thought I was very potential instructor material, and that they were always on the lookout for good instructors!
I'm still reeling from the shock. I'm only fifteen, and I'm now training to be an instructor! It's going to take a long time, I know, but I'm going to work harder on this than I did to get my SeeD title. I'm going to try to become the youngest instructor ever to grace the halls of Balamb Gardens.
Lauraina was very happy for me and we celebrated with a couple of other friends by having a big pasta dinner. In my short year and a bit in the Gardens, I've managed to establish myself so well. It's such a feat, said Cindy, to do that, but I managed!
I don't know what it was that made me so lucky. Maybe it was my ambition and determination, or it was just some sort of dream tucked away in my head. Maybe it was me never wanting to be missed or something. I don't know. But now, people are going to remember me. That's not all... I'll also be able to have some power to make all the changes I've always wanted to make. To me, that's important. We need to make changes for the future. Some of the advisors are so strict and so old-fashioned that they can't relate to their students at all. If I do well, I'll be the same age as some of the new trainees! Wow. I guess then, that I can really understand them because we're so similar in ages. Who knows, though. I'm not an instructor yet.
It'll be sad parting different ways from some of my friends. I know that I might not see Lauraine for months at a time, but I'll live, since I'll always pray that she'll come back alive so she can see me. And I'm going to stand strong and learn more about others and myself.
It's sort of cool. Even though I'm in SeeD and all mature and stuff, I still went out and bought new stuffings for Mewofu. Even though I don't need to hug her when I'm down and sad anymore, I think it's only decent if I restuffed her! I wouldn't be surprised to find another kid who enters Balamb Gardens, like me, all young, afraid, but yet, determined, with nothing but a stuffed pet and a diary to keep her company!
I'd be the first to help that kid out. People out there say that everyone should learn to solve their own problems. I agree with this to an extent, but I don't think anyone should be adverse to asking for help, or accepting help from someone else.
As much as I'd like to think it, I didn't get this far alone. I had people like Lauraina, Headmaster Cid... even actions as simple as writing in this diary have helped me out.
Thanks, Diary, for always being around.
~~
Signed,
Quistis Trepe
~~
[Author's Concluding Note: Wow, it's my FIRST EVER Final Fantasy VIII fanfiction, and it turned out to be a bit longer than I expected. Nonetheless, it's still a completed piece of work! I'm aware that there will be errors in it and stuff. I haven't completed the game yet, so I have absolutely no clue if any of this stuff about Quistis' past is revealed. Well, even if my fic turns out to be completely wrong, whatever! I guess I'll edit it as time passes! (September 4, 1999)
In edition 2, the changes, in specific, were:
1) The change of Lauraina's weapon from a "Gunblade" to a weapon of her own invention, that preceded the gunblade.
2) Principal Cid, to Headmaster Cid, to account for the change in the North American text, and Advisor Anshew to Instructor Anshew. (September 9, 1999)
Edition 3 changes:
1) Addition of the fact that Quistis was born in an orphanage, and changes to account for the fact that she likely had no foster parents. Thank you to Alanna for pointing this out. (October 17, 1999)
By Arcana, October 17, 1999]
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