"Now where is that book again? I thought it was supposed to be here somewhere," I mumbled to myself absently as my eyes roamed shelf after shelf.

I simply could not comprehend why the blasted book was missing. No one would read the book; much less take anything from this forgotten section provided that people actually knew it existed in the first place. Sequestered in a musty little corner room on the 62^nd floor, which was entirely the level for the Science Research Library, with its door semi- blocked by a shelf was the section devoted to the Cetra.

I had no idea how long it has been since someone used the little room so I was surprised when the door could be opened without any difficulty. I thought the hinges would have been terribly rusted by now but the door swung opened without so much as a squeak. I was further amazed to discover that the whole place showed little trace of dust. It was as if time had frozen and preserved everything as it was years ago.

"No, itâs not here. Hmmm·. Maybe Professor Gast took it? Guess Iâll have to ask him for it then." I sighed with disappointment.

I was turning to leave when I thought I saw a shadow moved. Startled, I reared my head and glanced into a pair of cool gray eyes. I could not move nor could I look away. Yet there he was, so nonchalant, perched on the high window ledge with his profile half in shadow from the evening sun, gazing down at me. I had forgotten all about him, the man I saw in the lobby so long ago. Flustered and unsure of myself, I did not know what to say and the moment stretched into silence.

"Hello."

His voice was a rich, deep baritone and it brought me back to reality.

"Oh hello! Sorry to have disturbed you. Iâm just about to leave." Never having been caught in this kind of situation before, the only thought I had in my mind to flee.

"Wait· Itâs all right. I presume you are looking for this?" He reached out, holding the very book I wanted.

I fought an inner battle. Half of me wanted desperately to escape while the other half wanted just as desperately to step closer and take the book from his outstretched hand. Feeling my unease, he smiled tentatively and made my decision for me. I crossed the distance between us and received the book. Finally remembering my manners, I introduced myself.

"Iâm Lucrecia."

"Lucrecia? Assistant to Professor Gast? Iâve read your journals. They are very well written."

"Oh, thank you. What I have in those scientific articles are only purely my personal views. Many may not agree totally." I smiled, pleasantly surprised that he actually knew about me.

"Iâm Vincent Valentine, a Turk."

"Vincent Valentine·I heard about you." It was the truth, I have been in Shinra long enough to know all about the covert operations that Turks are highly proficient at.

"Sorry, " he apologized, expecting that I would not want anything to do with a professional assassin.

"Donât be. Itâs no crime to be an adept at your job. Science is practically my life. " I spoke understandingly.

"I would really like to talk to you regarding your works. Would you be free tomorrow at this time?"

"Let me see· Iâll be in the labs in the morning· Yes, Iâm free."

"Good. Iâll meet you at the Staff Lounge on the 61^st floor then."

"Good-bye, Lucrecia."

"See you tomorrow, Vincent."

That was how everything started. An affair without an end and a love that should never have begun.

Bit by bit I learned about his past and discovered that lying beneath the stoic demeanor was a sensitive soul. I had to admit to myself; I was becoming hopelessly drawn to Vincent. His infrequent smiles were like the rays of sunlight that could never penetrate through the dark smoky atmosphere that shrouded the entire city of Midgar. No man had ever made me feel this way, basking in the warm of his smiles, I could almost believe that I was a beautiful, attractive woman.

I had fallen for him.

It was so natural, the way I felt about Vincent but I did not dare to let him know. It was all too new and foreign a concept for me to understand. I was in love and I had never been in love before. I did not dare dream that Vincent could feel the same way about me. I was so dull; all I knew about was science. I was not even remotely pretty with a face that was so forgettable. How could such a handsome man possibly care for me in that way?

Vincent proved me wrong.

"Iâve got to go now. Still have a report to write."

I said it so casually yet inside I was so filled with reluctance. I wished desperately that I could only stay a little while longer and enjoy his company. I was about to push back my chair when Vincent suddenly caught hold of my hand. Confused and disconcerted, I glanced at his face and was struck silent by the look in his eyes. Like silver mirrors, I saw myself reflected inside. I once thought Vincentâs eyes were so cold yet now they seemed to burn. Burn with a pale flame that warmed my heart. His voice was so gentle when he spoke.

"Stay with me, just a little longer?"

I hesitated, unable to answer. There were still doubts at the back of my mind but a sudden impulse made me took this chance. Looking once more at the silent entreaty in those light gray orbs, I nodded my head.

That night, Vincent took me out of Midgar on a drive. I did not know where we were going but there was little need to know. All that matters was that I was with him. Leaving the perpetually polluted darkness that was Midgar behind, the landscape flowed by, everything rendered into a blur by the speed of the land cruiser which we traveled in. It was a while before we finally stopped.

"Come," Vincent offered his hand to help me down.

Taking his hand, I stepped into another world. We were standing all alone in the midst of a vast open plain. I could not tell where it all begun and where it ended. It was a living emerald sea that met the sable sky, a tapestry woven with only the colors black and green. The full serene moon shone down, high up from the heavens, cleansing the world with its gentle light, a benediction. For the first time, I could see the stars that speckled the boundless night like tiny diamonds.

The night wind blew across the plain, caressing my face with my wind-tossed chestnut tresses. I opened my arms, abandoning all my cares to indulge in the unconditional freedom that was offered and like a guileless child, I laughed delightedly. Vincent watched me all this while, taking quiet pleasure in my joy.

"Itâs beautiful out here. So pure and untouched." Wonder filled my voice.

"Yes, thatâs why I wanted you to see it."

He was so close; the words fell like a breath in my ear. Ever so slowly, his arms encircle me from behind, drawing me into his tender, inescapable embrace. There was not a single word between us yet it was all so clear. Holding me under the glowing moonlight, he gave me the most precious gift I would ever receive.

His heart·

His love.

I had everything, my cherished work and Vincentâs love. I viewed life through a rosy glow, nothing could go wrong. We meet even more frequently, spending every spare moment in each otherâs company. I missed Vincent terribly whenever he had to travel away on his missions and never was he far from my thoughts. However, I was hesitant about announcing our relationship to the world. It was bliss being with him yet something I could not name troubled me. Vincent accepted this without any questions and for that I loved him even more.

So to everybody at Shinra, we put up the appearance that we were merely friends. Our intimate moments were stolen in the deep of night, out in the grasslands far away from Midgar where no one knew who we are. It was beneath starry night sky, surrounded by nature when we first knew each other as man and woman. Vincent was a gentle lover, giving me all, heart and soul but it was me who held back time and again. He never blamed me nor demanded anything from me but it only started to make me feel more and more guilty.

I felt as if I was cheating him because I could not return his love with the same intensity. Tried as hard as I might but there was a barrier between us that I could not breach. I only realized much later that I could have broken that obstacle easily had I dared to but I was afraid. I was frightened of the changes that Vincentâs love had wrought on me. I was metamorphosing into a person that I did not recognize. A person that displayed her emotions openly, who laughed and smile. A complete opposite from the shy wallflower that was content to hide behind the shell that was her work. Everything happened too fast, unlike the ironbound rules of science, emotions followed entirely different principles that I did not understand. Swept away by the maelstrom that sprung from my confusion, I was lost. Vincent could sense that something was wrong but I refused to talk to him about it. My foolish pride believed that I could ultimately find the answer that would make all the wrongs right again.

Unwittingly, our relationship hanged in a status quo and we begun to have small arguments, mostly sparked off by me. Yet always he was the one who apologized but that only added fuel to the fire that was my anger. My work was not going well with problems hampering the progress of the Jenova project which we had code-named "Promised Land" and it affected me. I knew I hurt Vincent whenever we quarrel and in turn that hurt myself. Waves of guilt engulfed me to see the worried concern in his eyes. In fact sometimes, I started to feel like a bird trapped in a cage that was too small.

It was during this turbulent time when she appeared.

I made my way towards Professor Gastâs office, with a stack of reports in my arms. Gast had announced earlier today that another scientist would be joining the "Promised Land" project. His name was Hojo and I must admit after reading through some of his articles that he thinking was unconventional and sometimes even strange. However, he may be the one who could inject some fresh insights to spur the project on. Preoccupied, I strolled through the open door to Gastâs cluttered office without knocking, as was my habit.

"Professor, these are the reports you wanted·" I trailed off, realizing belatedly that he was not alone.

"Lucrecia! Just the person I wanted to see. Come, I have someone to introduce you to. Ash, this is my most able assistant, Lucrecia and Lucrecia meet Ash." I could hear the pride in Gastâs voice.

Ash Silvestri, 1^st Company Commander of SENTINEL, the elite group of soldiers that Shinra employed before the creation of SOLDIER. I heard so much about her, both from Professor Gast and from rumors and gossips and she was everything I was not. Confident, poised, Ash possessed an unconscious lithe grace that flowed into all her movements. She had something about her, a presence that was almost tangible that I could feel. Ash shook my limp hand and greeted me with a smile that lighted up her dazzling azure eyes.

Standing beside her, I had never felt so aware of my own appearance. Long raven hair so dark that it shone with indigo highlights matched with sapphire eyes, Ash was a magnificent hawk and I was the common sparrow. The inferiority complex I thought I had buried long ago came surging back with revenge. From that moment forth, a seed that had lain dormant, germinated in my heart. Nurtured by my envy, it grew day by day and borne me the bitter fruit known as jealousy.

I rounded a corner and stopped dead in my tracks, unable to believe what I saw. Vincent was not only talking but was smiling at the person sitting directly across to him. The sight hit me almost like a physical blow because the person was none other than Ash and compounding the fact that Vincent never treated any one else in that same manner, I drew the obvious conclusion that she was definitely more than a colleague. They made such a striking couple, two beautiful people that belonged together naturally. By rights I should be storming my way over to demand an explanation as to what was going on but sadly, I felt like the interloper instead.

I was about to crept away when Ash noticed me and called out. Unable to back out of this gracefully, I summon the last of my crumbling pride and made my way over. Talk was strained despite repeated attempts by Vincent to draw me into the conversation, I did not want her company and I made it plain by giving short clipped answers to her questions. Embarrassed to be caught between us, Ash excused herself pleading duty. Finally, we were alone but a cold silence had settled around us.

I was reticent; my pride would not allow me to ask the question that was echoing in my head and I did not have to because Vincent gave me the answer to my unspoken question. Ash and he were childhood friends that had grew up together in Shinra and being an only child, Vincent regarded Ash as the younger sister he never had. Younger sister? I was not convinced, call it a womanâs intuition, I somehow just knew that it was not so innocent. Sitting next to him in silence, I suddenly realized that there was too much that we did not know about each other. Vincent was so near, yet at that moment he was like a virtual stranger.

"Itâs getting late and I still have things to do." I got up abruptly.

"Lucrecia?"

I heard the confusion in his voice but choose to ignore it. There was nothing more to say and my gait did not falter as I walked away.

By my own hand, I started the cold war between us. Vincent waited for me to meet him on the 61^st floor without fail but I stood him up time and again without any explanations. I refused to answer his calls and whenever he tried to see me, I used work as an excuse. I thought that spending time away from each other would help me puzzle out our relationship. I was listening to my head; not my heart and perceptibly, I began to convince myself that loving Vincent was a big mistake.

Strengthening this train of thought was the fact that I spend close to a year working together on the "Promised Land" with Hojo. The presence of another man brought the differences between Vincent and me out in glaring contrast. There was nothing we shared in common. His knowledge in my field was limited and while his comments were insightful, they could not compare to those that Hojo put forward in our discussions. It was Hojo who came up with the brilliant idea to reconstruct Jenova by cell regeneration.

Being with Hojo, I did not have doubts about my accomplishments and myself but when I with Vincent, I was not sure anymore. In the world of science, I was a gifted professor yet when I ventured into his world, I became insecure and vulnerable. In order to be with Vincent, I felt that I had to change and I was frightened and not prepared for such a sacrifice.

While Vincent may think of Ash as a sister, I could discern that she did not however think of him as a brother in return. I had seen the way she looked at him and it was the look of a woman in love. Increasingly, Ash was filling in my absence. I watched them sometimes and while it hurt, I still thought that it was better for us this way.

"Lucrecia, weâll be departing for Nibelheim tonight at 11.00P.M. sharp. Have you got all the materials needed? We wonât be coming back to Midgar for quite some time," Gast asked.

"Everything ready, Professor. By the way, besides Hojo, you and me, who else will be going to Nibelheim with us?"

"No one except for a Turk. President Shinra classified this project as top secret. The lesser people involved the better." Hojo remarked absently as he studied the latest progress report on Jenova.

A Turk? I prayed that he was not the one. It would be impossible to avoid him if we were at Nibelheim. No place for me to hide away and I were not ready to tell Vincent that I wanted to end our relationship. I finally knew what it was to feel like being caught between a rock and a hard place. My mind keep repeating, telling me to let go and be with Hojo yet my heart could not bear the thought of never seeing him again. It was driving me insane.

"I believe you already know our Turk companion, heâs called Vincent· Iâm afraid I canât remember his last name," Hojo had to mention his name.

"Vincent Valentine·" I said with a sinking heart.

I endured the journey to Nibelheim in silence. Hojo sat with me but as usual he was engrossed in a science journal. Vincent was opposite me and I knew he wanted to talk so I was grateful when Gast started asking questions about his job, keeping him occupied. I did not want to be so near Vincent, until I could sort out my internal turmoil, I wanted to stay as far away as I possibly can. Yet as much as I needed to shut him away from my sight, my eyes betrayed me. I could not refrain from stealing glances at him. This was my one last chance to engrave his image into my mind; a memory that would be buried deep in time.

It took us about three hours to reach Nibelheim. I could not believe my eyes as I watched the night sky. The stars were so much more brilliant, illuminating the darkness like tiny lamps to guide the lost. Looking at them I could not help but recall what we shared not so long ago.

"Lucrecia·" Vincent spoke softly as he helped me down from the helicopter.

"Yes? Mr. Valentine." My voice was cold, cutting him off.

He turned away without saying another word. This was what I wanted him to do but why did my heart feel like as if someone had just slashed it? Resolvedly, I told myself over and over again, soon there would be no pain, everything including him would fade away given enough time. Yes, it would all dim and wane.

There was no time to waste on contemplating what was to become of Vincent and me. I was in Nibelheim for the sake of Jenova, the achievement of my life; I would not allow anything to distract me. Given the best of what technology had to offer, the laboratory was even better than what Midgar had, no expenses had been spared. Cell regeneration was a slow and dangerous process, every step had to be planned and executed with extreme caution, we could not risk losing the last Cetra due to carelessness. Cut off from the world in the basement of the Nibelheim mansion, I was myself once again: Lucrecia, professor of microbiology, and not a jealous, insecure woman.

Yet once night fell and work stopped, I was back where I started, like a Cinderella without the trappings of a fairy godmotherâs magic. My story had no fairy tale ending, no living happily ever after with my prince. I had to say goodbye and say it soon but I could not find the words to say. Like a serpent that bit its tail, I was on the circle of self-destruction, slowly devouring myself. Maybe it was an answer to my unspoken prayer or maybe it was a curse, I was given a reason I needed to sever my ties with Vincent.