I was eating Honey Nut Cheerios, in the patio section of course, watching a news special on violence, drinking Singapore Slings with Mescal on the side, when an idea hit me. Yeah, I was surpised too.

They need to make an RPG about the rise and fall of the Olsen Twins. Mary-Kate, the brash take-no-prisoners tomboy (fighter) and the quite, more subtle yet equally blessed in both intelligence and glory Ashley (mage/thief)

Actually I think this is a horrible idea. Her fanbase (pre-preteen girls and dirty 50 year-old men) would be turned off by the mechanics involved in completing a RPG, while the RPG fanbase (14-24 year-old male virgins) would be repulsed by sitting through 40 plus hours of the dynamic duo negotiating over scripts and commerical spots. That is until disk three when we learn of their tragic slayings by the hands of a zealous, underappreciated stalker.

Sure the idea stinks, but I don't get ideas very often so I'm going to go against all instincts and stick to my guns on this.

Tad Ghostal

P.S. You still haven't sent me the phone number to the CEO of Square yet.

ANDREW If you think it's a horrible idea and you know it's a horrible idea and you're pretty sure everyone else will too, why would you then turn around and propagate this abomination? The only place the Olsen twins belong is in hardcore pornography wholesome family viewing, and while it is certainly conceivable that they may one day be stalked by one or many zealous and underappreciated stalkers, we should certainly have better things to do than to talk about it here. Nevertheless, I can't help but think this is all my fault for not specifying a topic. I guess a little extra wackiness or whatever you'd like to call this sort of idea is just what the doctor ordered. I just wish it wasn't what you guys most likely think of my writing style. Okay, there's my angsty lack of confidence moment for today... Let's move on to more of what we all came here for.. .hardcore nudity!

s.f.

Milhouse: We gotta spread this stuff around. Let's put it on the Internet!

Bart: No! We have to reach people whose opinions actually matter!

ANDREW Copious Possible FFX-2 Spoilers: Because I Can (beware the white text!) I loved X which is precisely why this sequel irritates me so very very much. Instead of working with a completely reasonable battle system, S-E has opted instead to mash together the decrepified remnants of the leavings from several past FF titles, hoping that dressing it all up with scantily clad women will make everyone look the other way, which apparently it has. I'm not trying to come off as uberelite here, but come on! I was perfectly satisfied with that ending because the "mystery" was nothing more than "cheap shlock perpetrated by Sakaguchi", whose brain seems to have gone south ever since he decided to instill touching little morality pieces every twenty minutes or so throughout his games. So Tidus was swimming in water. So Tidus appears in that video. Know what? I have heard firsthand accounts of much of the game's plot, since my friend was subjected to the game in its entirety when his completist fetishing roommate played it for 160 hours straight, and in that scene, those aren't the real Tidus and Yuna! AHAHAHA! Also, there are horrendous load times, the costume changes take forever and they happen EVERY TIME you change jobs in mid-battle, which is apparently often. I should probably disclaim all this information by saying that my friend is a bitter, bitter man, so it is entirely possible that this account is pure hyperbole. However, he tends to hate many of the things that I do, so I'm going to trust him on this particular score. No, not this white text, you silly git. Oh yeah, Aeris dies! HA! Anyhow, if I wanted to see a breastful woman with guns darting about caverns and sexily dealing damage to the flora and fauna, I'd play Tomb Raider. Actually, I'd never play Tomb Raider in a million years, but I'd sure watch the movie; reality, after all, tends to outstrip polygons exponentially, particularly when it takes the form of Angelina Jolie.

What's happening with Hanjuku Hero VS 3D? I've been waiting for news about for some time, hoping it'll get localized. It's one my top waited RPGs, having seen the absolutely insane intro and in part because of the Uematsu soundtrack. We need more quirky RPGs in English!

Thanks,
Sami

ANDREW I grieve to inform you that Hanjuku Hero VS 3D has, in all likelihood, gone the way of Venus & Braves, Magical Vacation, and a whole slew of hentai Sakura games: that is to say, after the initial thrill and possibility of a localization, Square quietly swept the game under the rug and, now in tandem with Enix, will presumably pretend it never happened until a) A new and widely marketable Hanjuku title comes out, facilitating widespread cash-cowing of previous Hanjukus, or b)Hell freezes over. As a reader several letters on is reliably certain that I am currently residing in one of the nastier circles of hell for the heinous sin of writing this column as I do, I can vouch with all certainty that while my current residence may shortly experience a prolonged freeze, hell as a whole is in no danger of an incipient white Christmas. Which, as per usual, is a convoluted way of saying "No dice!". Also, I think it means there's no cocaine in Cocytus.

Lucky you, you get another email from me. But I just read your column, and the thing I was wondering, is the fact that; today is Tuesday, why the hell do you have a column up there. But anyways, one of the emails sent in were from O Shrouded One, asking for help on Emerald and Ruby Weapon from the 3rd worst FF game ever created. Emerald Weapon I could see him asking for help, but Ruby Weapon is just a wuss. However, with my vast knowledge(that sounds cool huh) of RPG's, I wanted to be nice and help out.

The Help

-andrew- -kupomogli-

ANDREW *Eyes unglaze* Thanks for sharing, kupomogli. Hmm, it seems to me I've said that before somewhere...Anyhow, your sense of time is woefully messed up, because yesterday was, in fact, Wednesday.

Recently I haven't been playing too many RPGs, let alone video games of any kind. In fact, the last game I bought was Kingdom Hearts, and the last time I touched my PS2 was when I had to blow all the dust off. For chrissakes, I didn't even know FFXI or FFT-A came out, and FFT was my favorite game!

So! Get me out of this slump. Throw some gaming titles at me. Educate me.

- Sophie

ANDREW You. You should never let small appliances get so very dusty because dust makes me sneeze and if for some reason I am ever anywhere near where you live which is of course not to say that I am currently stalking you since I would never do such a thing, I will sneeze. Sneezing makes me sad. Moving along, we have your lack of new games. Since KH was your last foray into the market, you've missed a number of big titles. Depending upon your tastes, you could go for Xenosaga or Suikoden III. My early impressions of FFXI are pretty favourable so you might even want to give that a shot. Finally, you absolutely must above all else get Disgaea, which is the best pure video game I've had in a very long time. The amount of time you can sink into that thing is truly mind-boggling, as I can attest to - I've been restraining myself, and I'm about a fifth of the way through at THIRTY HOURS. So yeah, now you know why these columns keep coming up so late, all you crazy nighthawks.

Plus, if ye ever happen to write a book concerning vodka mines (or most anything, being that you can even make something as utterly boring as fanboy-questions hillarious), I'll buy twenty and make you sign them all in one sitting.

ANDREW Signings make my wrist hurt, and I need that wrist for other activities more essential to my well-being, like ULTIMATE FRISBEE DOODS! As such, I may have to craft some sort of stamp, possibly with a vaguely Native American-looking eagle in the background. Seriously though, thanks for the kind words, I need them to balance out the next letter, which is rather less favourable.

-dartagnan84

ANDREW As tempting as sitting on the devil's forehead may sound to all you Wiccans out there who will totally hate me for deliberately mis-equating your um, religion with Satanic practices, I'd rather take up sailing, or maybe sodomy so I can land in that circle where they totally make you run on baking hot sand, because who doesn't love a good jog on a scorching hot beach? Also, while I have shiny new instructions telling me that under no circumstances am I to alienate readers, you are pre-alienated, and as such I feel entirely comfortable telling you to build a bridge and jump, you miserable crank. But seriously, I love engineers!

I know Square-Enix wants to make money. But I think what Squaresoft(mainly) has been doing, by rereleasing every title they've ever created basically(except a few), is pretty stupid. You don't see Konami rereleasing Dracula X and dropping the rarity of the item, or maybe rereleasing Suikoden 1 and 2 because of people who don't have it.

Anyways, *and here's where I eliminate some of that incoherence my good musketeer just whined about... cloink!*

Also, Vagrant Story does suck, but even so, I have to tell you, that you accidently typed it out as Vangrant Story. If only they hadn't made a pathetic battle system, then it would rule, but then when I think about Final Fantasy 10, I think of Vagrant Story with renewed something, whatever kindof word means that I think it's better, even though I don't.

-andrew- -kupomogli-

ANDREW Vigour, the word is vigour. Unless you're American, in which case you drop the u, making it look altogether less British. And I regret the error. Rest assured, an infinite number of monkeys on an infinite number of typewriters are being flayed as we speak. Um, not that I condone cruelty to animals in any way... It's just the fake ones that need to be set straight every so often.

Since I have nothing to tell you (and you said you would post everything), I might as well tell you about the most interesting thing that happened to me this week. you see, I have this huge can of deodorant spray. It's like, about as big as a SOBE bottle. I left the cap off, and I packed it away in my backpack (I had two hours of sleep and I did not know what I was doing). Anyway I'm sure you've done stupid things due to sleepless nights. Like putting the milk away in the pantry, or the cereal in the fridge. Anyway... I caught the bus that morning and put my bag down. Calculus first period. Test. Graphing calculator covered in white substance. Horribly strong odor (apparently there was pressure on the nozzle for a long period of time, blowing deodorant all over my calculator). There was no laughing, just strange looks. Good thing it wasn't with all of my books. I think that was when my other personality Margie appeared. Margie doesn't get embarrassed easily, so I was okay.

~Brendan Mesick

ANDREW More recently, a full box of chicken wings hidden under my computer desk for two days because my sister came home and me, being the soul of generosity that I am, didn't want to share. Guess nobody gets em now without heavy salmonella risk. Which still didn't stop me from thinking about it.

If you had a magic duck, what magical powers would it have? Would it have long fangs, and talk in 13 to 20 different languages? Would it have powers equal to that of the great Billy?

Burning in hell with FFXI,
- Thor

ANDREW Geez, I don't know what's up with all the damnation talk today, but if there's some divine power out to get me, I wish it would be a little more explicit in its methods of informing me. Also, never write me a letter concerning magical ducks again unless I am on mescaline, when it just might seem like something worth talking about. Not that I know for sure, but that Las Vegas book with the sunglasses and the trashing of the hotel room and the so very many drugs certainly seemed to involve its fair share of odd conversations.