The Legend of Zelda: Purchasing Of D.N.Austen dnausten@hotmail.com
Jabberwocky

'Twas brillig and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe
All mimsy were the borogroves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Behold the Zelda VI, my son!
The masks that change, the strangest yet!
Behold the classic tune, and run,
The jorious game to get!"

He took his coshy bills in hand:
Long time an employee he sought--
And by the door of the gaming store,
He stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
An employee, with box marked "Fun"
Came whiffling with the ambrious goods,
And asked if he'd like one!

One, two! One, two! And down he threw
The coshy bills to buy the game!
He bought the cart, and feeling smart,
He swagged back whence he came.

"And hast thou bought the Zelda game?
Come let me play, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He gamed on in his joy.

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogroves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

author's note: The above is just a warm-up for the longer poem below.
Prepare for more cheesy, forced rhymes.


The Raven

Once upon a morning dreary, I was standing, waiting, weary,
Number two hundred and one in a line before my local game store.
As I stood, in need of napping, from in front came sounds of tapping,
Feet so impatiently tapping, tapping on the white-tiled floor.
"'Tis worth the trouble," I thought, "to wait here before a store-
Just for Zelda 64."

Ah, how eagerly I waited, and how my spirit was elated,
As the game store, although belated, slowly opened up its door.
One by one the line proceeded; I thought I'd get what I needed;
But if only I had heeded- heeded that sign in the store
That ominous sign that had been long-time hung up in the store-
"Reserve Zelda 64."

Then the golden boxes gleaming and the buyers, faces beaming,
Thrilled me- filled me with memories of great Zelda games of yore.
So that now, over the pounding of my heart, I found me sounding,
"Now my desire is compounding, soon I'll be inside that store-
My eagerness still compounding, quickly I'll go in that store-
To buy Zelda 64."

Presently my heart jumped higher; after one more Zelda buyer,
I was next, and now I anxiously strode through the open door.
I marched to the game store's cashier, and asked for the game I held dear.
But as he spoke, I sensed his fear, fear of chaos in the store.
And his words, though softly spoken, pierced straight through to my heart's core.
"Sorry, but we have no more."

Into darkness I was falling, so crushed I was almost bawling,
Yet still, I dared to hold the hope that I had held before.
I was stubborn, still believing in hope so cruelly deceiving,
I, now angry, done with grieving, hoarsely whispered, "there are more!"
This I whispered, and now louder, three angry words, "there are more!"
Were heard by all in the store.

My back to the cashier turning, my face red with anger burning,
Soon I heard a clicking, like one opening a door.
"Now then," said I, with a slight smile, "that cashier tried myself to beguile,
But I was not just in denial, here's my Zelda 64.
My rare and radiant box containing Zelda 64."
'Twas the head clerk of the store.

Seeing him now, I turned about, not hesitating, without a doubt,
I told him, all but in a shout, "you're hiding Zelda 64."
Not a single reply made he; not an expression betrayed he;
But, as though facing lunacy, simply looked forth from his door-
Looked dispassionately at me from his open office door-
Looked, and stared, and nothing more.

Hearing rashness in my previous words, I found my claim to be absurd.
In a softer voice I now addressed the head clerk of the store.
"I was thoughtless, sir, forgive me. Now in earnest I beseech thee,
Rescue, spare me, from agony, save me with one game from your store;
Tell me, please sir, whether there is one last Zelda 64!"
Quoth the head clerk, "We've no more."

Much I marvelled this ungainly man to speak falsehood so plainly,
For in meek opinion of mine, his words little honesty bore.
And those behind me were agreed - or perhaps just taking my lead -
That without their own Zelda they would not leave the game store.
Surely the store must be somewhere hiding, must be saving more!
Surely there must be some more!

But the head clerk, clamly standing, our anger not comprehending,
Showed no clear signs of bending; a detached expression he wore.
No reply did he provide, but the nearby cashier he eyed.
The cashier some answer supplied, nervously looking at the floor,
"I'm sorry, I'm afraid we were sent only two hundred carts per store."
Added the head clerk, "We've no more."

Denying this reason alone stopped me from a Zelda to own,
I thus muttered, "what he uttered was as they had trained him before.
Now, indeed, I see it clearly. And the cause for his words, merely
That he was told by that same cold, unfeeling head clerk of the store,
And the head clerk was in turn told by someone higher in the store,
To say that they don't have more."

But some truthful spirit, unkind, spread endless fears throughout my mind;
It may be true -- I would not find, nor ever find Zelda in store.
So I freed my thoughts to wander, the truth of his words to ponder;
My eyes I turned slowly yonder to watch the head clerk in his door.
Perhaps truth, alas, was spoken by the head clerk of this game store
In announcing, "We've no more."

Thus my mind continued guessing, while the man nothing expressing,
Nothing showing, nothing hinting, of thoughts 'neath the blank face he wore.
In this moment filled with tension, my weak will turned its attention
To lovely Zelda images I downloaded just days before.
Images of golden Zelda I had hoped to buy from the store -
But now, possibly, no more!

Then methought a gold box passed by, and briefly my spirit did rise
Only to be further broken when I saw 'twas junk on the floor.
How I cursed my eyes misleading, which falsely saw what I was needing.
Then he, as though my thoughts reading, spoke forth from the office door -
That unfeeling, expressionless, cold voice from the office door -
Quoth the head clerk, "We've no more."

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil! - prophet whether man or devil! -
Though you have been rather silent, you know much about this store,
You know secrets hidden therein, you know what new games lie within.
Forgive me for making a din, tell me truly, please, I implore -
Is there - is there one more Zelda? All I want is just one more!"
Quoth the head clerk, "We've no more."

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil! - prophet whether man or devil!
Please, in the name of customer satisfaction I do implore!
Tell this soul so full of yearning, capable of lies discerning,
If it shall clasp a golden game not really named Zelda 64 -
Clasp a golden game whose name is not truly Zelda 64."
Quoth the head clerk, "We've no more."

"Be that phrase our sign in parting, man or fiend," I shrieked, departing -
"Get thee back into thy office and hide within there as before!
Leave no remark as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my hopeful heart unbroken!" Here I marched out of the store.
And the cold voice of the head clerk chased me as I left the store -
Quoth the head clerk, "We've no more."

I called all stores in the nation, hoping for a deviation,
Hoping that, in all creation, one still had Zelda 64.
Now I've reached the sad conclusion, I've no more my old delusion;
In its stead I bore the tragic news about the game I adore.
For all stores did reply the same regarding Zelda 64 -
That tragic phrase, "We've no more!"

author's note: Congratulations on reaching the end of this very lengthy poem. Surely there must be others out there who believe that the most emotional part of a game occurs before even playing it.