Last Sound
Lady Genjutsu
viva_celestia@hotmail.com
You return, and none too soon. Percival rises from the stool
by my bed and squeezes your arm gently in comfort. You both look so pained. I'm
sorry.
You speak in a low, choked voice to Percival, probably assuming that I can't
hear you. "Thank you again for coming, Percival, I was afraid you wouldn't
be in time."
Percival responds in an equally low voice. "Of course, I came the moment I
heard... But... his breathing has become worse, and he's been asking for
you..."
You nod, and Percival's hand lingers on your arm a moment longer before he
leaves the room to update the doctor on the descent of my health. He pauses at
the door and looks at me, attempting to smile as he mutters a farewell. As the
door closes, I know I will not see him again. But I can accept that. I've told
him all I wanted to say.
Now you take Percival's place on the stool beside my bed, and I weakly turn my
head towards you so my unfocused eyes may attempt to view your beautiful face.
Your forehead is furrowed in apprehension, but I know you're trying to look
reassuring. Even when you're concerned like this, you are still so beautiful
it's almost ethereal. I only wish I had the liberty of stroking your soft
silver hair right now. I always liked it like that, unbound and natural around
your shoulders. I never told you though... That colour green suits you. I never
told you that either. I never told you anything... I didn't dare. I don't tell
you now either. I just gaze at you in silence, simply glad that you are here in
my final hour.
I'm not even sure how you got me back to Brass castle alive last night. I think
I knew that I was dying, even before you tore my armour off and gasped at the
bloody wound you found beneath. I always knew that I would meet my end in
battle. A knight lives and dies by the sword, after all. I suppose I just
didn't expect it to be so soon. It is nothing like I expected. I remember my
teachers in combat training always said that my unbridled rage in battle caused
me to be irrational, and would ultimately send me to an early grave. I guess
they were right.
You were right there when it happened... I am grateful that you gave Salome
charge of the battle and took me back to the castle. I'd much rather die in a
comfortable place that I know well, instead of the cold, muddy battlefield. I
just wish you'd stop saying things like 'It's going to be okay,' as though you
believed it yourself. You know as well as I do that my death today is
inevitable. The doctor was only able to postpone it for a few extra hours. But
it is enough. Enough time to summon Percival from Iksay and for me to say my
final farewell to you.
I know I won't be leaving you alone. You see, just now, before you returned, I
made Percival swear to me that he will always be there for you, although I know
he would be even if I hadn't asked him to. He has never told me flat out, but I
know he's as in love with you as I am. He was just better at hiding it.
I can't help but wonder if the reason he's refrained from pursuing you all this
time was because of me. Percival, although I consider him to be my unofficial
rival, is also my best friend, and now I wonder if he backed off because of my
obvious feelings for you. I was so determined, so unrightfully possessive of
you. Percival never did like to complicate things too much. He probably tried
to hide his feelings for my sake as well as yours.
When I apologized to him about being so selfish, he pretended not to know what
I was talking about, and he told me not to waste my strength talking. But I know
that he understood. Everything will be okay now, because I have put my pride
and selfishness aside. It pains me slightly to admit it, but I know that
eventually, over time, you two will find a future in one another. Percival is a
true friend and a noble man; I can think of no one who deserves you more...
...I just want you to be happy, Chris.
You move your hands to the bandages over my fatal wound to check on it, but I
manage to grasp your hand with my own. I don't want you to fuss over what is
inevitable; I just want to be here with you in my last moments. I have never
before dared to touch you in any way that was remotely informal, and it is
probably this that causes you to freeze in surprise. I know I am not myself,
but tell me, what man is really himself when on his deathbed?
I expect you to pull your hand away and preoccupy it with something else, but
to my surprise, you hold onto it tightly.
It is coming. I can feel my life fading away with every passing moment. Even
though I'm dying, even though I'm sure my feelings were fruitless, I must tell
you. I take a deep, shaky breath, devoting all my energy to say that one simple
phrase.
"I love you."
It is remarkable, how for all these years I was unable to say those words no
matter how hard I tried, and yet they come so easily just now, in the face of
my death.
You do not reply. I suppose you can't, for I can see it has become hard for you
to breathe. To my surprise, your resolve to remain calm fails you, and the last
shred of your mask falls away to reveal such pain and despair that I vehemently
curse myself for having been the cause.
You are weeping... I... have never seen you cry before...
Despite the fact that your tears pain me, I can't help but smile slightly. You
are such an incredible woman, full of so much compassion and emotion regardless
of your efforts to hide it.
I hold your hand to my chest. It's really the only thing I have enough strength
for. I doubt that you are surprised I have feelings for you. The way the others
constantly used to tease me about it, and how I was overly protective of you,
probably gave you some idea. However, it is obvious from your lack of composure
that you had never expected me to confess it, even at a time like this...
You are trying to say something, I can tell. Your eyes lock with mine, and I no
longer need you to speak because I can see your response clearly in your eyes.
I see what is unmistakably reciprocation.
Goddess!
We could have been. The feelings are there. Even if they are simply the seeds
of a love, it was a possibility. Despite the rivalry of Percival and all the
others who have fallen for you, I see myself there in your eyes. I had never
known. I knew you saw me as a friend and comrade, but I was sure that was the
extent of your feelings. But I see now that is not so. If only I hadn't been so
terrified of rejection! If only we hadn't been so bound by our duty as knights!
But I shall not think of it that way. Despite my looming death, I am filled
with an inexplicable joy like I've never known. My life was worth something,
because I have a place in your heart.
It is extraordinary how approaching death can bring such acceptance, for upon
this realization I feel content, and I feel no fear when my shaky, uneven
breaths become scarcer still, blood flooding my lungs, throat and mouth. My
body shakes in weak convulsions, but I refuse to tear my gaze away from your
eyes.
Your crying is audible now. Your shoulders are shaking with each sob, and your
face is contorted in more emotion than you've ever allowed yourself to show
before in my presence.
You open your mouth, desperately trying to find something to say that will make
me hold on to life longer, but this is it, and you know it. You clutch my hand
in both of yours tightly, then fall off the stool to your knees and bury your
forehead in my shoulder, sobbing uncontrollably.
I want to kiss you, but blood is trickling out the corners of my mouth, and the
thought of tainting your flawless skin with my gory lips is unthinkable. For
the first time since I was wounded, tears fill my eyes. Not because I'm dying,
but because I'm causing you so much grief.
Gathering the remainder of my strength, I bring my free hand over and place it
on the back of your head, in a final attempt to wordlessly comfort you.
"Borus!"
What better sound is there to hear in the moment of death than the sound of the
one you love speaking your name?