A Final Fantasy 7 Valentine's Day, by Jeffrey T. Jhee

(j-jhee@nwu.edu)





Ah, love is in the cool, breezy air.  The animals are dancing, the

people are gleeful.  Only one thing can cause the world to be in such

a wonderful mood: Valentine's Day, and we don't mean Vincent's

birthday.



Well, everyone, even the folks at Shinra, was in a surprisingly good

mood.  As the most romantic day of the year was approaching, the

people of Midgar were doing their best in order to make Valentine's

Day memorable.



Unfortunately, as fate should have it, the day before Valentine's Day

was Friday the Thirteenth.  Perhaps for most rational people, that's

not a problem, but rationality means little to Reeve, especially when

he is operating that wonderful cat on a stuffed Mog known to us as

Cait Sith.  Fortunetellers always seem to be superstitious, and Cait

Sith was no exception.



Cait Sith:  Oh no, oh no, oh no!  It's Friday the Thirteenth.

Something bad is bound to happen!  

	

Unfortunately for our heroes, whatever Cait Sith predicts, it always

happens.

	

It was a beautiful Friday morning in Midgar.  Our heroes Aeris

Gainsborough, Barret Wallace, Tifa Lockhart, Vincent Valentine, Red

XIII, Yuffie Kisaragi, Cid Highwind, and Cait Sith were all staying

at Aeris' mother's house.  Missing among our heroes is the

perplexing, mysterious Cloud Strife.  He left early in the morning

without telling anyone what he was doing, or getting ready

Valentine's Day as everyone else was.  His friends didn't wake up for

a few more hours, so they didn't know that he was missing.



Aeris: Mom, where did Cloud go?  He's not in his room.

	

Elmyra:  I don't know, dear.  I didn't see him leave this morning.

That boy is rather strange...

	

Aeris:  Now mom, don't be so mean to Cloud.  Well, since he is gone,

now is my chance to get him something for Valentine's Day.  I'll be

at the Church, Mom.  Bye!



Elmyra:  Take care of yourself, Aeris.  



Elmyra shook her head, disgusted with Cloud.  

	

Elmyra:  What a worthless bodyguard!  Who's gonna protect my little

girl when she goes into the city all by herself? 

	

In one of the rooms upstairs, Tifa was sleeping rather peacefully.

She woke at hearing Aeris' saying, "...get him something for

Valentine's Day."  She ignored it at first, but then something

registered in her head.  

Tifa:  AHHHHHHH!  That little wench got a jump on me!  I thought I

set my alarm clock.  



She looked around for the alarm clock, and noticed that it was

missing.  Tifa's anger grew steadily.  



Tifa:  YUFFIE!  Well, no time to beat her to a pulp.  I've got to

find something REALLY good to give to Cloud, or else he'll choose

Aeris over me.



 Tifa quickly got dressed and then ran out into the city.



Barret and Cid came down about an hour later.  Oddly, they both asked

Elmyra for some markers and stationary.  Elmyra, amused by the

unusually request, especially one made by two grown men.  She pulled

them out of the closet and gave them to the two men.  However, they

were not willing to share.

	

Barret:  Yo, *&#$^, I asked for it first!

	

Cid:  The #@%$ you did, ya big, ugly gimp!



Barret:  Who the hell are you callin' a gimp, ?@(#*@&$^ !  At least I

don't run like a %&$^#.  Now ya best better take that back, ya lil'

#$^$, or I'm gonna have to bust yo skinny @$$!



Cid:  You listen here, $^#&, at least I don't have a )*#$*@ gun

attached to my !(*/#$* arm!  Now you take it back, $#*@, or I'm a

gonna have to introduce my lance to the south side of Barret!



Barret:  Why you little-

	

Elmyra:  Gentlemen, please!  Behave yourselves!  You're not children

anymore.  Mr. Wallace, Mr. Highwind, this isn't a Tarantino film.

Please cut out the profanities.  Mr. Wallace, you wouldn't want

Marlene to hear you, would you?



Barret:  (Grumbling) No, I wouldn't. 

	

Elmyra:  Good.  Mr. Highwind, here's your half of the stationary, and

Mr. Wallace, here's yours.  Now, was that so difficult?

	

Cid and Barret each took his respective half and sat on opposite ends

of the dinner table, glaring at one another.  Barret began designing

a Valentine's card for Marlene.  Cid, on the other hand, waited for

Barret to finish before he started to write a letter to Shera.  Both

men wished to make some profane wisecrack, but after getting scolded,

they tried to keep to themselves.

	

Meanwhile, the mischievous Yuffie sat outside the house, next to the

window.  The kleptomaniac was going through a few things that she

swiped, including Tifa's alarm clock and Aeris' jewelry, among other

things.  



Yuffie:  I don't think that I get the satisfaction of stealing such

commonplace things anymore.  I need a new challenge.  



She pondered further, wondering what would be a good thing to steal.

Bored and clueless, she lied down on the grass, looking towards the

sky until she heard a ruckus.

	

Cait Sith was running around as though the end of the world was

coming, which it was, but none of the heroes really took Meteor as a

threat for some reason.  After all, it was Valentine's Day.  Cait

Sith, though, wasn't caught up in the romantic atmosphere, fearing

the worst that any typical Friday the Thirteenth could offer.  



Cait Sith:  Oh my, oh my, oh my, it's Friday the Thirteenth!  Bad

things coming, oh no, oh boy!  Head for the hills!  



Cait Sith, more frightened than ever, stopped in the middle of his

hysterical banter.  He thought to himself, and then further panicked.  



Cait Sith:  NOOOOOO!  I'm a BLACK CAT!  AHHHHHHHHHHH!"  



The robotic toy proceeded to run around in circles, feeling helpless,

frightened and hysterical. 

	

Witnessing such irrational behavior, Yuffie thought that her so-far

dismal day would change for the better.  



Yuffie:  I'll steal something from Cait Sith!  



As the toy cat on the Mog continually began to run around similarly

to a headless chicken, Yuffie made her move.  She hid behind a bush,

carefully eyeing her target.  Looking for something on Cait Sith to

steal, she examined the figure carefully, and picked her target.

Stealthily approaching and avoiding getting noticed, she timed her

pounce perfectly, snaring the cat and then escaping from the Mog to

avoid more trouble.



Cait Sith:  Hey, whaddya think you're doing, Yuffie?" 



Yuffie simply tossed the cat into a brown sack.



Yuffie:  You're mine now, cat.  This is one of my best heists.  He

he!  



Yuffie, fleeing from the 'enraged' Mog, headed out onto a grassy hill

nearby.  After she widened the gap, she sat down to rest.  She wanted

to examine her loot, so she carefully reached into the sack and

grabbed the toy cat by the neck and lifted it out of the bag.

	

An angry Cait Sith helplessly threw punches in the air, screaming at

Yuffie.  



Cait Sith:  Listen you little #@%$#, you better return me

immediately, or your in for real trouble.

	

Yuffie:  Hey, don't call me a @*(^#!  I stole you fair and square, so

there is nothing you can do about it.  Plus, I'm doing you a favor,

so you should shut up.



Cait Sith:  A favor?



Yuffie:  Heck yeah!  I heard you ranting and raving about bad luck,

Friday the Thirteenth, and your being a black cat.  Now that I OWN

this cat, Reeve, you don't have to worry about bad luck from your toy

anymore, right?

	

Cait Sith conceded and agreed.  



Cait Sith:  Yeah, you do have a point.  Okay, you win.  I'm your cat

now.  So what are you gonna do with me?



Yuffie:  Well... 



Yuffie started proudly, but was at a loss for words. 



Yuffie:  I'm going to...  



She didn't know what to do with the cat.  Surely all of the fun

occurred when she stole the cat, but there really wasn't anything to

do.  



Yuffie:  I don't know."

	

Cait Sith:  Well, why don't you do something else, like get in the

Valentine's Day spirit like everyone else is?

	

Yuffie replied sadly.  



Yuffie:  Well, I don't have anyone to share Valentine's day with,

Reeve.  I would get myself a boyfriend, but I wouldn't know where to

start.  I'm just a girl, without anything special about her.



Cait Sith:  That's not true, Yuffie.  You're good at a lot of things.

I'm sure all the guys know that.

	

Yuffie:  Oh yeah, name one thing that I'm good at.



Cait Sith:  Well, um, you're good at, um...  you're good at stealing?

	

Those words instantly overjoyed the young, female ninja.  



Yuffie:  That's it, I'll go STEAL a boyfriend!  You're a genius, Cait

Sith.  Come on, help me find a boyfriend to steal.



Cait Sith:  Oy!  I don't want to--"  



He had no choice, as Yuffie picked up the cat and started running

excitedly to no place in particular, searching for a boyfriend to

steal.

	

Meanwhile, back in the city, Aeris carefully picked and arranged a

fine bouquet of flowers for Cloud.  



Aeris:  Well, now I just have to make arrangements with Dio, and

tomorrow will be PERFECT!  Just me, and Cloud, and..."  



Aeris began to swoon somewhat, but then she got back to the task at

hand.  



Aeris:  Whatever it is, there is NO WAY Tifa can out do me.  I wonder

what she's up to?	

	

Tifa had similar intentions, of course, but took a different plan of

action.  She had visited the best plastic surgeon she could find in

the slums of Midgar.  She wasn't there for an operation, originally,

but only a consultation.  



Tifa:  Doctor, do you think that my, uh, um... do you think that my,

well, are too big?  Should I get a reduction?  I know I have a lot of

back pain, but does this turn off the men?



Surgeon:  Well, for $129.95, I'll perform any surgery you please.

Personally, I like, um, I mean that I think that your body is just

fine, unless the back pain is unbearable, of course.



Tifa:  Thanks, doc.  I think that I want a lyposuction.  Taking off

some fat should help my back.  I wouldn't want Cloud, I mean, some

guy to think that I'm fat or anything, either.  Can you get it done

in the next couple of hours?  I'm in a hurry.

	

The surgeon sat puzzled.  Already this woman had proportions that

would collapse any mortal woman.  A lyposuction seemed to be

ridiculous, so he tried to counsel Tifa out of it.  



Surgeon:  Um, I don't know if you should have this done.  You're

proportions are already unnatural and-



BAMMMMMMM!  POW!  ZOWIE!  ZAP!

	

Tifa:  I'm tired of hearing about my proportions' being unnatural!

This is ALL REAL!  I never had surgery before.	

	

The surgeon, feeling dizzy after Tifa's assault, had no choice but to

agree.  



Surgeon:  Well, I can do that.  It should be done by this afternoon.

That'll be $129.95.  



Tifa handed the money over, and then they proceeded to the OR.



The two stoic figures among the heroes, Vincent and Red XIII, decided

to meditate outside of Midgar.  Neither of them felt the romantic

atmosphere of Valentine's Day, so they decided to concentrate their

energies on other things.  Vincent envisioned his beloved Lucretia,

Red XIII his father Seto's heroics and Bugenhagen's advice.  As they

sat quietly, they heard a loud, noisy girl approach them.  It was

Yuffie.



Yuffie:  Yo, Vince, I was wondering.  I'm going to steal you for my

boyfriend, okay?

	

Vincent remained silent, and turned his head toward Yuffie slowly.

In a deep, monotone, emotionless voice, he answered her. 



Vincent:  Yuffie, go home.

	

Yuffie:  WAH!  Vincent, you're so mean!  WAH!" 



Yuffie cried, running back to Aeris' house in tears.  



RedXIII:  That was very cruel of you, Vincent.  She's a very young

girl, with sensitive feelings.  You should be nicer.



Vincent:  Shut up, Hakuna Matata!  Like I don't have feelings of my

own to overcome.  Why don't you let her steal YOU for a boyfriend.

	

The 'Hakuna Matata' remark fired up Red XIII.  Normally, neither of

them ever got riled up as they were right now.  Perhaps Valentine's

Day only brought out the violent nature of the two, instead of the

romantic.  Whatever the case was, both were about to tear out the

other's jugular.  



Red XIII:  Hey Dracula, the vampire look is out.  Now you better

watch your mouth or I'll have to teach you some manners.

	

Vincent:  Really, I'd like to see that.



Red XIII:  Your funeral!  



Red XIII got prepared to attack, as Vincent transformed into a Galian

Beast.  Simultaneously, the two jumped towards one another and

wrestled each other to the ground.  It was an ugly fight, neither

creature getting the advantage over the other, but both were taking

and dishing out a beating.  

	

Vincent:  Your daddy was a pussy cat!



Red XIII:  You take that back, #$*@^$%," 



The two of them fought even more ferociously, until they separated

themselves to catch their breaths.

	

Out of breath and panting hard, Vincent made a few comments towards

Red XIII.  



Vincent:  Every...anime has...its...stoic, cool...character.

I...am...the...one, and...you are...ruining...it...for...me.

	

Red XIII:  The...hell...you...are.

That...role...is...mine...for...the taking.



Vincent:  Bull @#($!  That...is mine, and  THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!  



At this comment both fighters resumed their brawl.  Certainly, this

squabble won't come to an end any soon.   



Vincent:  Listen, it's Valentine's Day!  That means, I'm gonna kick

your #@$!



Red XIII:  No, that's tomorrow!  Today, you're going down, little

boy!  



The two continued to hack, claw, bite, and wrestle for the next half

an hour until they both collapsed from exhaustion.  

	

Meanwhile, while Elmyra went grocery shopping, Barret had just

completed his Valentine Card for Marlene.  The card was made up of

several shades of pink, purple and red, and with delicately trimmed

doily borders.  Not exactly what one would expect from a masculine

figure such as Barret.  Barret looked at it with pride and love, and

knew that Marlene would definitely enjoy this heartfelt present from

her father.  Cid, on the other hand, resisted laughing at Barret's

Valentine card until the card was actually completed.



Cid:  HA HA HA HA HA!  That sure is a *(#@~@# piece of work.  I

always knew that despite the appearances, you really were a #*&#!$

sissy!

	

Barret:  Don't piss me off, &*#!)#@!  



At first, Barret got angry, but after examining what Cid was writing

while Barret added the finishing touches, he decided to get even,

instead.  



Barret:  My, that's an awfully sweet letter that you wrote to your

girlfriend He-Man.



Cid:  Hey, #$^#$%, only I can treat Shera that poorly.  You say

something like that @#&% again and I will plant my foot up your #%#!

	

Barret:  That's it, *$#&%@!, it's time that I teach you a lesson.  



He picked up the table and threw it at Cid.  Cid, however, managed to

dodge the flying table and grabbed a vase.  He quickly charged at

Barret and slammed the vase over his head.  The vase shattered, but

it didn't seem to faze Barret at all.  Both men quickly grabbed each

other's throats and began to strangle one another.  Though he only

had one good hand, it was big and strong enough to make Cid gag.

With his free hand, he used the blunt end of his arm gun to bash

Cid's head.  Cid, however, was just as feisty.  He quickly countered

with a swift knee Barret's groin.  In fact, Cid began giving rabid

knees to Barret's groin.  Barret began to lose strength in his legs,

giving Cid the advantage.  Cid then took the opportunity to push

Barret against the wall, but his aim was no good.  The two directed

towards the window and came crashing through it.

	

The two men lied down on the grass outside, in pain and out of

breath.  Barret noticed that they had totaled the kitchen of Elmyra's

house.  Barret immediately scolded Cid.  



Barret:  Look what ya did, #@#*!  What are we gonna say to Aeris and

her mom?



Cid:  What did I do?  I'm not the one who threw the #*$&% table!  You

explain that it was all yer fault.

	

Barret:  Well, if ya let the #*%! table hit you, then ya wouldn't

have unnecessarily broken the *)&$ vase, and the window.

	

Cid:  Shut up, *$&%^, or I'll have to kick your @*~# again!

	

Barret:  Why you little...!  



Barret landed a quick left hook to Cid's face, but Cid recovered

quickly and charged at Barret, knocking the both of them on the

ground.  As the two were about to deliver a knockout blow to the

other, they heard a woman scream from inside the house.



Elmyra:  Wallace!  Highwind!  What did you two bozos do to my house?!

	

Hearing this, the two heroes stared at each other. 



Cid and Barret:  RUN!



Cid and Barret took off, straight for the heart of Midgar, in fear of

the wrath of Elmyra.  

	

Back in the slums of Midgar, the surgeon had just completed sucking

out from Tifa's 1 and a half percent body fat.  Though many thought

that it would be impossible, Tifa was even thinner.  However, her

bust was the same size.  Of course, such proportions would be

impossible, but Tifa always seemed to be exceptional...



Tifa:  Thanks, doc.  Ugh!  Wow, now I'm not fat anymore.

	

As if she were fat in the first place.

	

Surgeon:  Your welcome, Miss Lockhart, but how will you be able to

manage?  You don't have enough substance to uphold your upper body.



Tifa:  Nonsense.  



Tifa stood up, but then she felt the tremendous gradient of weight

from her bust compared to her midsection.  Nearly collapsing, she

grabbed a wheelchair and sat herself down.  



Tifa:  I know that Cloud, I mean, this guy I kind of like never

showed interest in me because I was too fat.  This ought to patch

things up.  



With those words, Tifa wheeled herself away to another part of the

city.  The Slums of Midgar's greatest surgeon, however, was

completely shocked.



Surgeon:  Why do women always think they're fat?

	

Tifa wanted to get something for Cloud to go along with her new,

"more attractive" look.  Since there were no fancy chocolate shops,

she wouldn't be getting Cloud a box of chocolates.  In fact, there

were no candy stores at all.  Instead, Tifa visited the local crack

dealer and asked that he make some of those nice heart candies with

messages on them that are very popular during Valentine's Day.

Though the candies weren't made of those sweet ingredients with which

everyone was familiar, they still were dope, in more ways than one.

	

As evening fell, all of the heroes, minus Cloud and Aeris, had

returned to Elmyra's house.  Barret and Cid were eventually caught by

Elmyra, as when they tried to hide in the city, she could here the

two cursing at each other from at least three blocks away.   She gave

both of them her best, lacy aprons and forced the two to tidy up the

place, as well as replace the window, the table, the vase, and all

the other things that they destroyed.  Yuffie stole a birdcage and

shoved Cait Sith in it.  As for the Mog, it was nowhere to be found.

Red XIII sat in the kitchen sulking and separated, thinking as though

their silence was a good way to show to the others that they were

still the solemn, quiet members of the party.  Deep in the back of

their minds, they were cursing each other, and just waiting for the

other one to show some emotion and strip the coveted title for keeps.

Finally, Tifa was trying to relax in the kitchen, as well.  She was

suffering from considerable back pain...  Also, she began a new

strict diet, as she tried to keep her figure and impress Cloud.

	

Aeris came back home late that evening.  With her she had her bouquet

that she wanted to give to Cloud on Valentine's Day.  



Aeris:  Hi mom, I'm back.  Any word from Cloud?



Elmyra:  No dear.  You shouldn't be out so late.  I'm going to make

sure that your 'bodyguard' actually does his job.



Aeris:  Don't be so hard on him, mom.  I wonder, though, where he has

been all this time.  



Aeris then noticed the others, first the battered and bruised Barret

and Cid.  



Aeris:  You two look very cute with the aprons, gentlemen.  The lace

is a nice touch.

	

The two men merely grunted as a reply, humiliated by forcing upon

themselves the most feminine of outfits (so they thought, as they

never saw Cloud cross-dress) despite their strong masculine images.

Instead of making a fuss, they simply continued to tidy up the

kitchen.

	

Aeris then noticed that Yuffie was taunting the imprisoned Cait Sith.  



Aeris:  Yuffie, what did you do to him?



Yuffie:  I stole him fair and square, so don't you harp on me, lady!  



Aeris decided to leave Yuffie alone.  She then noticed that Red XIII

and Vincent were isolating themselves from everyone, both appearing

to have been roughed up earlier.  She tried to find out what they

were up to, but both ignored her, knowing very well that any response

would mean breaking the isolation and no longer being the stoic,

displaced character of the group.  However, Red XIII let up for a

moment.



Red XIII:  My grandpa would say that I let down my father today.  



Since he didn't say what was on his OWN mind, he felt that he didn't

give any ground to Vincent in their pathetic competition.  Vincent,

on the other hand, decided to hang upside-down from the ceiling and

go to sleep so that he wouldn't accidentally give ground to Red XIII.

	

Lastly, Aeris noticed Tifa sitting in her wheelchair.  Curious, she

asked why she was sitting in a wheelchair.  



Aeris:  Did you do something to yourself?



Tifa:  I had some of my excess fat sucked out.  This way I won't look

fat.

	

Aeris, confused as to why the skinniest member of the group would

feel fat, simply accepted the answer.  She decided to talk to her

mother.



Aeris:  Mom, this is great.  I made the arrangements for Gold Saucer,

and this is definitely THE best bouquet I ever arranged.  My date

with Cloud tomorrow will be perfect.

	

Of course, these words caught Tifa's attention.  



Tifa:  Excuse me, Aeris, just what do you think you're trying to do

with MY boyfriend?



Aeris:  You're what?  You have a boyfriend?  Certainly it's not

Cloud.



Tifa:  Of course he's my boyfriend!  You're stealing him from me!



Aeris:  Am I?  Just how many dates did you two go on?

	

Tifa was silent.



Aeris:  Okay how many times did he buy you a thoughtful present?

	

Once again, silence.



Aeris:  Well then, how many love letters did Cloud write you when he

was away?

	

Tifa had enough.  She was ready to fight back.  



Tifa:  Listen, you little trick, he was about to be mine, then you

had to stick your ugly face into the picture and ruin things for us.

	

Aeris:  Listen up, Lockjaw, I'm not a trick.  You are the one who

should be ashamed, showing off you're silicone all the time.  Or is

it saline?

	

Tifa:  Shut up, Gainsborough!  These are real.  Everyone knows it.

You're just jealous because you weren't as endowed as I was!



Aeris:  Why would I want to look like some heifer like you?  MOO!

MOO!

	

Tifa:  Who's the heifer?  You're the bovine queen!  You're also FAT!



Aeris:  Why, because I'm not some anorexic twig like you, who goes

out and gets her fat and her brains sucked out by some quack in the

middle of the slums?



Tifa:  I'm not fat!  You're fat!  You always were fatter than I was.

Now that I finally am skinny, you are like a beluga to me.  You're

such a fat &$!@, Gainsborough, that when you walk down the street,

people go, 'God damn!  That is a fat @$*%'



Aeris:  Slut!



Tifa:  Jezebel!



Aeris:  Wench!



Tifa:  Whore!



Aeris:  @*$%@!

	

At this remark, Tifa jumped out of her wheelchair, preparing to get

into a nasty cat-fight with Aeris.  Though she couldn't even stand up

straight, she was determined to smack Aeris.  Both women disregarded

good fighting technique, opting to go with the protocol of

hair-pulling, scratching, and rolling around on the floor.

	

Everyone else present in the room immediately drew closer to the

feuding females rolling around on the ground.  It was as though they

each had a front row seat to a heavyweight championship boxing match.

Barret started throwing punches in the air, excited by the heat of

the scuffle.  Yuffie pulled out a few gil marks and asked the others

if they wanted to make any wagers.  Vincent and Red XIII pretended

not to care, but both peeked every once in a while, overcome by

curiosity.  Cid chanted, "@*$%* fight!  !($@^ fight!"  Cait Sith,

sitting helplessly in his bird cage, shook his head in disbelief.

Even Aeris' mother was interested at seeing her daughter tussle with

one of the world's top martial artists.  



Aeris:  I'm not gonna let some crack whore like you have him.  You

sure have a lot of nerve to prance around in that slutty outfit!  I

ought to gut you with a masamune!



Tifa:  Who are you calling a slut?  You try to con everyone with that

school girl charade, but everyone knows that you sell it on the

weekend!  And I ought to stick a masamune in your back!



Tifa struggled to scream back, as she tried to scratch at Aeris' eyes

as Aeris tugged hard at her hair.  However, Tifa was still very sore

from her visit to the doctor and her chronic back pains, and started

to get spasms.  Aeris noticed this right away and stood up, kicking

Tifa while she was down.



Aeris:  Stupid *&$@#, you can't fight me!  I know all your moves, and

in your sorry condition, you can't win.



Tifa:  Really?  Do you really know all my moves? 



Tifa's voice had a sinister tone.  Years of good martial arts

discipline enabled her to muster enough strength to get up.

Hobbling, she took a few steps away from Aeris.  Using all of her

might, she unleashed an attack that not even Zangan could master.



Tifa:  Let's see how you like this, #@*%!  



Tifa's right hand started to glow a mysterious green.  Aeris,

confused by the turn of events, took a step away from Tifa, but it

didn't matter.  Tifa turned slightly to her right, drawing her right

hand to the left side of her body.  After she built up momentum, she

unleashed her newest limit break faster than Ramuh's lightning bolt.  



Tifa:  SUPER B***H SLAP!



Like a drummer beating his snare drum, Tifa delivered hard and heavy

slapping blows to Aeris.  Aeris had no defense.  She just stood there

and took each and every blow, until she collapsed.  Tifa smiled wryly

after seeing Aeris go down, but then weight in her bust overloaded

her abs and back, and then Tifa collapsed.

	

Everyone, including Vincent and Red XIII, stood in awe.  Never had

they seen such a powerful battle.  The two warriors, Aeris and Tifa,

were flat on their backs, breathing very heavily.  Neither of them

could move until they heard a voice at the door.



Cloud:  Hey, I'm back!  (Stares at the everyone and gives a puzzled

look)  Cid, Barret, why are you wearing aprons?  Cait Sith, what are

you doing in that bird cage?  Vincent, Red XIII, you look like you

both tried to eat each other.  Yuffie, what's with the cash?  And

Aeris, Tifa, why are you both lying down on the floor?



Everyone seemed to ignore Cloud's questions, as they were more

interested in the drama that was about to unfold.  Aeris got up

first, and grabbed her bouquet to give to Cloud.  Tifa, not wanting

to be outdone, grabbed her heroin hearts.  Both women, physically

drained, struggled to walk over to Cloud.  They reached him

simultaneously.



Aeris and Tifa:  HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY CLOUD!



The two women then presented their gifts and glared at each other.

Cloud didn't know what to think.  He simply scratched his head with

his right hand, a trademark that many recognized.  Clueless, he

didn't say or do anything.



Tifa:  Come on, Cloud, take my present.



Aeris:  No, take mine!

	

If Cloud wasn't there, more violence would have ensued.  Cloud still

stood there, more confused than ever, until he started to shake out

of control.



Aeris:  Cloud, was is it?

	

At that point, Cloud stood up.  He grabbed Aeris' flowers first.

Tifa felt hurt while Aeris showed joy, but then he grabbed the

Valentine hearts from Tifa.  Everyone was confused, but that was only

the beginning.  Cloud then walked past both women, not saying a word,

and walked up to the counter where Cid's love letter to Shera and

Barret's Valentine to Marlene were.  He grabbed them, and walked to

the door.



Barret:  Hey, that ain't yours, Spiky!



Cid:  Yeah, give them back.



Both men chased after him, but Elmyra stopped them. 



Elymra:  Hey, you didn't finish cleaning up!  You're not going

anywhere until it's done.



At that, a dark figure crashed down through the roof.   It was

Sephiroth.



Barret:  I ain't gonna clean that #$%* up!	



Sephiroth:  Now hand them over, puppet!



Cloud handed over to Sephiroth the flowers, the hearts, the Valentine

Card, and the love letter.



Sephiroth:  (Laughing insidiously)  Ha ha ha ha ha!  They're all

mine!  



Sephiroth then vanished, and Cloud fell and regained consciousness.

The sight of it made Aeris break out into tears.  She ran straight to

her bedroom.



Aeris:  I worked hard to make that for you, Cloud, and you just...

just... WAH!



Tifa wasn't nearly as livid.  She collapsed, again, but retained

consciousness.



Tifa:  Ohhh!  I need a Twinkie!  My stomach is growling.



Barret and Cid were about to give Cloud a beating, but Yuffie acted

first.  She picked up the birdcage and her sack of booty and leaped

swiftly at Cloud.  She picked him off the ground, and turned around.



Yuffie:  Why didn't I think about it in the first place?  I'm gonna

steal Cloud for my boyfriend!  Later, all.



Yuffie ran out the door, heading straight for Wutai.  Cait Sith

interrupted her.



Cait Sith:  Wait a minute!  It's still Friday the Thirteenth.  Why

didn't anything bad happen to you?



Yuffie stopped, dropped Cloud, and then revealed something in her

brown sack.



Yuffie:  I thought ahead.  Look!  I stole all the luck materia and

the bags o' luck.



Cait Sith:  So you did.  (Pauses)  Wait a minute!  Aren't you

supposed to use them on you for them to do any good?



Yuffie froze.  Hesitantly, she agreed.  However, she was scared, and

for good reason, for 5 seconds later, a runaway Chocobo plowed right

over her.



Yuffie:  (Groaning in pain) Ohhhhh!  I need a 'restore' materia.

Ohhhhh!



Cloud got up, and then turned around to ask Cait Sith a question.



Cloud:  You wouldn't happen to know by any chance just what the hell

is going on, would you?



Cait Sith didn't know where to start.  Before he said a word, he

noticed a beeping sound coming from Yuffie's pillage sack.  It was

Tifa's alarm clock.  It had just turned midnight.



Cait Sith:  Uhhhh, Happy Valentine's Day?



	

The End