Recalling Experience

	by Jeffrey Synn

e-mail: gaiaswill@cchono.com



	After the elation of victory has passed our minds, we always

remember the ones who died to contribute to the success.  That's just

our way of showing respect for those that have returned to the Planet.

To let the departed know that their selfless deeds and sacrifice have

not been forgotten.  It's normal.  It's natural.  And there's nothing

wrong with it.

	And when the mourning is done, the focus is then on the living.

	I have survived.  I admit that it was not easy; far from it.

And through my travels, I have seen magnificent places beyond the

boundaries of my imagination, extraordinary powers that I still find

difficult, if not impossible, to comprehend, and I have seen pain.

I have seen blood, I have seen death, and I have seen heartache.

	After all, isn't lost innocence part of the price you pay in

war?

	However, I feel that I have lost more than just innocence.

It's sometimes a little difficult to understand, but I still try.

	Him.  That's what I have lost.  Not that he died or anything;

he is very much alive, though death did try more than once to claim

him.  That's not it.  He's a survivor too.  He is still here, and I

thank the stars every day that he chooses to remain at my side, and

that fate allows it.  I enjoy his company, and I sense that he enjoys

mine as well.

	So what exactly have I lost?

	That cursed four letter L-word.  Such an important thing...

everyone I have come in contact with desires and searches for it, each

in their own way, though they may deny that they are looking for it.

But I know better than to believe them.  An incredible treasure, it is.

We cling to it, even as it threatens to eat us alive.

	I am not any different in the fact that I search.  Sure, I

sometimes shrug off the issue to prevent myself from showing weakness,

but really, I am not any different.  Neither is he.  One only has to

look through his sometimes cold exterior to see that.  I care for him,

and I find comfort beyond measure in the fact that he cares for me

just the same.

	Well, almost just the same.

	When I really think about it, we really have a lot in common.

For us both, the opportunity fell into our laps and we pointedly

ignored it.  Sure, we wanted to embrace the thing as it was presented

to us on a silver platter, but we held back.  And for what?  Pride?

Doubt?  Or just ignorance to what was there?  Such reasons seem so...

stupid, considering that they were, in fact, the things that kept us

from our joy.  And now, it's too late.  For both of us, I fear.

	It's tragic really, almost pathetic.

	For me, I had lived about ten years of my life with him.  He

was always watching my back, and I didn't even know it.  A few times,

he even got punished for it.  More than a few times, in fact.  He

almost lost his life to protect me.  Several times.

	I never even realized how attached I was to that face, that

was full of concern for me, until I could no longer see it.  He left

our little town.  I knew that everyone would, eventually, but I never

imagined... damn, absence does make the heart grow fonder.  I later

found out, the reason he left was to impress me; he felt that he had

to make something of himself, be stronger, to be noticed.

	Flattering, to say the least.  The very least.

	With him, it was different.  He didn't know her for very long,

but sometimes, time isn't necessary.  I don't encourage anyone rushing

into a relationship, but... sometimes you just know.  Even though the

fact works against me, I believe it.  "Love at first sight" would be

oversimplifying what I mean, so don't think that I am referring to it.

	I could see the affection he held for her in his eyes.  Though

it was weak and almost nonexistent at first, it was as bright as day

when she was taken from us.  I hold no vendetta against them for

hurting me, but that doesn't alleviate the pain.

	Damn them both!  I cannot hate them; they are still my friends,

but I cannot find it within myself to just leave them alone.  And I'd

like to, believe me.  Sometimes, love is knowing when to let go.

	It still doesn't make it any easier.

	It's not fair.  So many things in life are not fair.  My

companions know, him included.  Everyone has experienced a time where

they are rendered so helpless against the conditions they are set in,

that they want to lash out blindly at everything.  That's what I feel

like doing now.

	But experience has taught me better than that.  And I hate

myself for knowing better.  Like I said, life's not fair.

	Ah, the tragic love triangle.  It's just something that one

would expect to see in a script or a story when, in fact, it can

actually happen.  And when it does... well.

	The thing is, people do heal, they do recover.  Though she

is... no longer in the running, which would be a crude way to word it,

her hold on his heart is still as strong as when she left.  He will

heal.  And I will still be here.  But will he turn to me for me?  I

don't want him to be with me because I'm... runner-up.  But don't take

my wording against me; it's just the easiest way to see things.  He

probably thinks of me only as a sister now, anyway.

	I should be happy.  After all we've been through, we are both

still here.  One would think that would be enough for anyone.  We are

friends.  That will not change.  But still, I wonder if we will ever

be more than that....

	So much has happened, and in such a short time.  Time goes too

fast for my liking.  I imagine that my friends are thinking that too.

Where has the time gone?  It seemed as if it was only yesterday that

I was with him, the night before he was leaving our town.

	But... life goes on, cruel as it is and as cold as it sounds.

I have to leave the past behind.  Look to the future.  Be optimistic

facing forward.

	Life goes on... and I've already been through so much.