THE QUEST TO BE COOL

(starring Vincent Valentine)



by K. Megura <kmegura@yahoo.com>



Vincent opened an eye, then the other one.  He blinked a little.

Wasn't there supposed to be light when you had your eyes open?

He hadn't gone blind, had he?  And why was it so stuffy in here?



"Izzat a coffin?" came an unfamiliar, high-pitched voice from somewhere

in the blackness.  Vincent's eyes bulged.  A coffin!  He was in one!

And there was no air....



There was a scream from somewhere and the sound of a sword sliding from

out of it's leather scabbard as the lid of the coffin flew into the

air, propelled by Vincent's powerful arms.  He looked up, blinded by

the sight of light.  A dark speck was coming towards him from above,

growing larger and larger....  The lid of the coffin struck him

squarely on the head and he fell backward onto the soft velvet cloth

that lined the large container, his vision blurring.  Heaving the

lid to the side this time, he sat up and held his head for a moment,

feeling like his brain had somehow gone down to his heels and back

again.



"Stay back--this monster is stupid, but he looks dangerous."   That

voice, deeper and anxious-sounding was also unfamiliar to Vincent--and

not knowing what was going on was something that bothered him immensely.

He forced himself to focus, and made out two shapes standing nearby.

One was the imposing, muscular form of a huge, hulking man who looked

as if he crushed things for fun.  The other one was a slim, frightened

looking lady in a pink dress.



"Look, you two," Vincent murmured, carefully sliding himself out of his

coffin because his legs were both asleep.  He braced himself against the

coffin edge and worked his legs a little until feeling began to come

back.  Man, he hurt all over....  "I'm not stupid, first thing.  And I'm

not a monster."



"So, you just sleep in coffins for fun, then?" the big man asked, waving

a large blade in front of Vincent with one hand.



"No, oh, never mind.  Can't you see that I could use a little help

here?"  Vincent snapped, waving his arms.  "Where am I?"  The situation

was grating on his nerves.  Cool people didn't ask questions that would

probably have stupid answers.



"Some mansion owned by Shinra." the woman said in an overly-cheerful

tone.  Vincent glared at her and took a tottering step forward.



"All right, that's good, I remember the layout of the kitchen.  C'mon

you two, help me get there."  He motioned towards them.  The big guy was 

about to make some snappy comment, but the woman darted forward and put

Vincent's arm over her shoulder.



"Sure thing, mister...?"  She looked at him quizzically.



"Valentine.  Vincent Valentine."  he said in his most imposing, cool,

and yet wickedly evil sounding voice he could manage.  The woman burst

into laughter, hanging onto him and giggling.



"VALENTINE?!" she repeated, hitting him in the chest, "Your last name

is VALENTINE?!"  Vincent sighed and looked at the large man.



"Are you gonna help me!?" he spat.



        *                       *                       *



Vincent looked down into his half-drunk cup of coffee, seeing himself

reflected in the brown liquid.  He didn't look a day older, but...it

had been a few years, hadn't it?  He hadn't grown a beard, but he 

knew he had been in that awful coffin for more than just a few days

or weeks.  At least those two people had been nice enough to get him

something to eat for lunch, since he felt like he hadn't had anything

in his stomach for a good while.



"Yo--"  The deep voice interrupted his train of thought.  He looked

up at the large man, (who introduced himself as Barett) who was

sitting at the table with him eying the pot roast that sat on the

table before him.  The woman, who said that her name was Aeris but 

her friends called her Aerith, was busily cooking in the dimly-lit,

unused kitchen, humming a busy tune.



"--how could ya breathe in that wacky death-box!?  You musta bin

whacked in da head or sumptin!"  Vincent shrugged, then tapped one

finger inquisitively.



"I don't know.  Say, why are you talking like that all of a sudden?"



"Like wat, foo?" Barett asked.



"Like THAT."  Vincent remarked, irritated.



"Oh, dat!" Barett frowned.  "It's in my contract.  I gotta speak da

lingo, you read?  At least, da heads at SQUARE say I need ta rox 

wit skillz while I'm doing this, dig?"



"He's talking in Ebonics, Mr. Valentine," Aeris interrupted, smiling

at the two of them.  "It's a dialect of English spoken in Northern

America."



Vincent sighed.  "Look, you, I don't know what the heck 'Square' is,

and I don't where 'North America' is, but as long as you're around me,

just talk naturally.  I can't understand half of what you're saying,

and to be frank, you're overdoing it a little."  Aeris sat down next

to them and passed around a bowl of salad she had prepared.



"Uh, okay.  Say Vince, seeing how this place is all, well, abandoned,

aren't we taking a risk by eating this food?"  Vincent spooned some

salad onto his plate, trying to ignore Aeris' wide grin.



"Have you ever been to a place in Wallachia called Castlevania?  The

builders of that castle put pot roasts into the walls, and from what

I've heard, they're just as edible as if they had been cooked that

day.  And that's where the Shinra got their food rations for this

mansion from."



Barett picked at the salad and his pot roast, but Aeris dug in, 

eating in a very ladylike manner at the same time.



"So, I've told you all about myself--I slept in a coffin, and that's

all I can remember.  What about you two?"  Barett wiped his mouth

and sat back.



"Well, originally, I ran this group called 'Avalanche'--we operated

out of Sector 7 in Midgar City, and fought against the Shinra, because

they're oppressing the people.  President Shinra somehow found out

the location of our base of operations and demolished it...me and my

friends escaped.  But then we heard about some sort of super-soldier

that had turned renegade and was fighting against the Shinra.  Since

our best fighter, this new mercenary fella named Cloud, took his dough

and left, the runt--"  He slammed his fist down on the table, "I

decided to leave Midgar and find this super-soldier to see if he could

help us out, while my buddies would continue to try and keep 'Avalanche'

together.  After all, this soldier guy is supposedly as powerful as a

hundred men."



Vincent finished his cup of coffee and Aeris leaped up to her feet and

refilled it from a kettle on the kitchen stove.  She waited for Vincent

to thank her, but he pointedly ignored her until she sat back down.



"Okay, whatever.  What about this lady?"  Vincent inquired, nodding

his head at Aeris, who beamed at the two of them.



"I'm from Midgar, too!  I used to be a flower-seller, but then I was

captured by the Shinra, and Barett rescued me!  Actually, I was kinda

hoping that cute mercenary guy would show up, but he never did.  So

out of kindness, I'm gonna help Mr. Wallace!"  Even Barett seemed

annoyed by Aeris' repulsive cuteness.



"You two are swell folks, really.  But I've got to go and...umm....I

dunno, pick up a spare cape, so I'll be off." Vincent said, standing

up and brushing the last bit of dust from his vermilion cape.



"Maybe we'll meet again, Mr. Valentine!" Aeris proposed.  She got up

and tried to hug him, but he slid around the table.



"Alright then.  Mind if we ransack dis place and steal all da great

treasures that are sure to be lying around?" Barett asked, standing

up and fitting a large gun to his right arm, which Vincent realized

was missing a hand.



"What are you carrying a sword around for if you've got a gun?"  Vincent

asked, being a gun man himself and knowing how much more effective they

were over blades.  Barett scratched the back of his head.



"I dunno.  You know how menacing it sounds when you draw a sword out?

Well, since this isn't a gun proper, people don't think I'm armed when

I load it.  So, I carry around a sword just to intimidate people.  I

don't really even like fighting." he said.  Vincent's expression made

it clear that he thought that was the stupidest reason ever, but Aeris

clapped her hands together and hugged Barett.



"See, how smart he is?  And he says he doesn't like fighting.  He's like

a big teddy bear, that's what!" she said.  Vincent headed towards the

kitchen door in a dash, eager to put some distance between himself and

Aeris before her sugary-sweet attitude left him scarred for life.



        *                       *                       *



Vincent stood smiling dumbly at the sky as soon as he had left the

mansion, having not been outside in some time.  Once he realized that he

was lolling like an idiot, he resumed his 'cool' stance and walked

towards the gates, suddenly remembering how creepy this town felt, and

how much he disliked it.  He decided to find some place more hospitable

and had just reached the entrance to the town when he heard a horrible

racket from the second floor of one of the nearby buildings.  It sounded

like someone was trying to play the piano with his fingers and toes at

the same time.  He turned his head and looked up through a window,

seeing a man banging away on a piano.  The man looked out, noticed him,

and stopped playing.



"Hey," he yelled in a squeaky, high voice that reminded Vincent of a

rat, "Do you know the 'Highwind' theme?"  Vincent looked at the wiry

man a moment longer, tapping his finger against his nose.



"No.  Why?"



"I'm trying to get a Limit Break Manual!" the man yelled down, looking

frustrated.



"Oh, just look behind the music notes.  Don't ask me how I knew, these

things just come to me sometime." Vincent explained.  The man leaned

over the piano and held up a large textbook.



"Thanks, man!" he said in triumph.  Vincent narrowed his eyes, noticing

that the front door of the building was wide open.



"You're not a robber, are you?" he called up.  He wondered if turning

in a robber to the authorities would make him look cool.  Being cool

was his goal in life.



"No way, man!" he responded, leaping out of the window and landing on

the ground with remarkable agility.  Flung over his shoulder was a

large pack filled with goods that Vincent suspected were from the

house.



"Besides, have you ever noticed how people leave their doors unlocked,

and how you can pilfer..er...borrow stuff from them without them 

saying anything, half the time?"  Vincent nodded.  The man grinned

back and headed towards the town's entrance.



"Where are you going?" asked Vincent.  The man turned around.



"Well, I was gonna go check out the Gelnika, but that doesn't crash 

until Disc 2, so I'm going to the Gold Saucer to blow some gil and

live it up for a while."  Vincent shook his head, confused.



"Well, can I come with you?  I've no where else to go at the moment."

He decided that hanging around a thief would improve his cool status

for sure.



"Yeah, come on, Vincent!  You haven't lived until you've blown some

dough at the Saucer!" the man said, shaking his hand.  His eyes 

widened when he noticed that Vincent's other hand was sheathed in a

claw-like glove made of gold.



"How'd you know my name?" Vincent asked, stepping back and resting

his fingers on the revolver of his handgun.



"I heard some people talking," said the skinny man, matter-of-factly.

"A bunch of guys--I think they were from Wutai, y'know across the

sea--were driving around in a van, saying something about "the game's

gone all wrong".  They were talking about several people they had to

go find and mentioned some guy with a golden claw dressed in a musty

red cape.  You fit the bill!  My name's Smiley, if it you need to

know."



"Musty?" Vincent mused, sniffing his cape.  Well, lying in a coffin

for that long would do that to you, he supposed.  At least there were

some moth balls in there.  After all, he reflected, no one would look

cool in a suit full of holes.



"C'mon, man, let's go the Chocobo farm and get a ride.  No point in

walking to the Saucer from here." Smiley said.  Vincent rubbed his

chin.



"Isn't that far from here?" he asked.  Smiley shrugged.



"Yeah, that's what I thought, but it's just past this cave, apparently."

he said, pointing beyond the town up into the mountains.  "I know it

sounds weird, but there you go." he continued, pointing to a world map

drawn in a large book he was holding marked "HINTS".



"Okay, then lead on." said Vincent, following after Smiley.  Since 

danger always struck from behind, he knew it was his job to be the

back guard.  Cool people did things like that.



        *                       *                       *



They exited the cave, stepping out into a vast, soggy stretch of

marshland, which Vincent noticed was very odd because marshes didn't  

exist up in the mountains.  The sky was gray with impending rain and

the air smelled strangely of decaying flesh.  Vincent continued

slogging his way through the marsh, which was shallow but thick with

debris.  Smiley, being smaller, was having a harder go of it.



"Hey, feller!" came a voice from up ahead.  Standing on the edge of

a grassy field that bordered the far end of the marsh was a heavyset

man wearing a straw hat and waving his hammy arms around in the air,

trying to get the pair's attention.  "There's something movin' in tha

swamp, behind ya guys!" he continued.  Vincent spun around and saw a

gargantuan shape speeding towards him from beneath the mucky surface,

many times longer than he was.  He pulled out his handgun and prepared

to fire some shots into the marsh, when the dark shape burst out of

the water, rearing up, and up, and up....



It was a serpent.  A monstrously huge reptile that towered over Vincent's

head, casting a swaying shadow that crossed Vincent and went for a good

fifty feet onwards.  Lifting itself out of the marsh bottom had churned

up the mucky water, which pushed forward in a miniature tidal wave.

Vincent braced his feet in the ground and held his cape over his face,

turning away.  Cold water gushed over him, practically knocking him over.

Grit and dead weeds clung to his clothes, and as he stood in the wake of

the wave, he saw that the barrel of his gun was jammed with decaying odds

and ends.  He tossed it aside, seeing that it would be of no use to him

now, and faced the serpent, which hung swaying over the marsh, hissing

furiously.  Poison fell from it's mouth and dissolved the matter in the

marsh, sending up plumes of smoke.



"Oh, man...." said Smiley, who had been knocked down by the wave of

swamp water and was covered in filth.



"Crap." Vincent muttered, fishing around in his pockets for anything else

he could he could use.  He felt nauseous from the marsh waters that now

soaked him from head to toe, and wished that someone would come and give

him some aid, whether it was Smiley or that fat farmer on the marsh's

edge....  He felt something strange in his pocket and pulled it out,

finding it to be a dull orb that glowed with a red sheen.  He smiled,

realizing what it could do from the writing scratched into it's surface.



"Odin!" he shouted hoarsely, holding the orb into the air.  The serpent

peered up cautiously at the sky as rain began to fall.  Some sort of

rip or hole appeared in the air, widening until it became a circular

portal out of which black mist poured forth.  Vincent heard a whinny

that sounded like lightning striking, and then a great eight legged

horse galloped out of the portal, being ridden by a gigantic warrior

who wore an antlered helm.  It began to rain lightly, a drizzle that

pocked the marsh's scum-filled surface.



"Gunginir!" the warrior yelled, his voice resounding across the sky.

He hefted up a huge glowing purple lance in one hand and aimed it 

towards the sky.



"Wait, wait, excuse me, sir!" came a fawning voice.  Vincent whirled

to see the pudgy man on the shore still waving his arms around.  Odin

turned his head and reined in his mount, which was gnashing it's

teeth at the confused and frightened marsh serpent.



"Look, mortal!  I can't appear fearsome if I'm talking to you, now can

I?  Who ever heard of summoning a great and powerful being just to 

chat with them?" he asked, in a good-natured but gruff tone.  Vincent

began walking cautiously away, having been right under Odin when he

appeared and not at all liking the fact that the god's mount was right

above him, it's shadow larger than that of the serpent's.  Horses, even

the eight-legged kinds, were horses, after all.



"I didn't summon you, sir, the man in the marsh and his friend did.

Oh, but sir, I wanted to remind you!  It's "Gunge Lance" sir!  That

is, it's what you're supposed to say," the farmer continued.  Odin

scratched his helmet, nearly snagging the arm of his fur mantle on

his antlered headgear, and fixed his gaze on the man, who looked

very afraid.



"I say, 'Gunge Lance'?  That's not the name of this weapon!  It's a 

spear, for one thing.  Whoever thought of calling it that?"



"But that's what it is, sir!" the man retorted, "This is the English

version!"  Odin put a hand on his hip, pulling on the reins again to

keep his horse in control.



"Is it?  I was wondering why you weren't talking in Japanese.  But I

would still like to call my spear 'Gunginir'.  You think anyone would

mind?"



"LOOK!" shouted Vincent, attracting everyone's attention but the huge

serpent, which was still staring at Odin's horse and wondering if it

should just go back into the marsh before things got dangerous.



"You could call your damn spear 'Melvin' for all I care!  All I know

is that there's a really big serpent who is planning on having me

for an appetizer, and you'd better do something about it since I

summoned you!" he demanded, gesturing at them with the red materia orb.

Odin sniffed and put Guningir across his knees, looking at the serpent

and looking back down at Vincent, who had finally waded out from 

underneath the horse's shadow.



"Don't talk back to summoned monsters!" Smiley squealed.



"A soggy little lad, aren't you?  Well, I daresay you've hurt my

feelings.  After calling me all the way here.  Sleipnir agrees, don't

you?" Odin said, petting his horse's mane.  Sleipnir whinnied again.



"Well, I don't think you deserve my help, little marsh man.  Making

fun of my weapons...I could cry!" he exclaimed, turning his head away

in shame.  He charged back through the portal, and it closed abruptly

behind him, the only sign of him ever having been there the black

mist that was slowly dissipating.  Vincent swore, spinning around

to face the serpent, which was undoubtedly preparing to strike.



It was gone.  Evidently, it had decided that getting impaled on a 

spear was not something that it would want to try.  Vincent shook

the marsh water off him and trudged towards the shore, where the

farmer stood, beaming proudly.



"I never heard anyone speak to a god like that.  Especially a Norse 

one.  They're an angry lot, usually."  Vincent sneered at him and

took off his cape, twisting it up so that he could ring it dry.



"Look, you backwater blockhead.  Thanks to you, I almost ended up

in a snake's belly.  Next time I summon something, keep your mouth

shut!" he snapped.  The farmer scratched his beard in confusion.



"But, sir, summoned monsters always enjoy a good chat!  We've got two

of them living at our farm, y'know."  Vincent sighed and ran a hand

through his long black hair, fishing out the grasses and other bits.



"Vincent, you better treat them nice, too!" Smiley huffed, looking at

his sodden clothes.  The farmer grinned at them both.



"Farm, eh?  You better let me go there and dry off, or I'll rip your

throat out right here." Vincent snapped, wishing his gun hadn't been

ruined back in the swampy marsh.  The farmer shook his head in a lively

manner, apparently not interested in Vincent's threat, which he was

all too eager to make good on.



"Come on, then, it's just over this way.  I'll have young Billy find

you something to eat, too."



        *                       *                       *



The farm, it turned out, was not at all like any of the other farms

spread across the continent.  It had been built in the middle of a

great pasture where Chocobos were often roaming about, and the 

farmer and his family caught and bred the Chocobos.  Vincent was 

chewing on a pastry and walking around the farm, wearing a loose gray

smock.  The farmer's wife had apologized for her husband's actions,

having seen it all from the pasture, and promised to clean and mend

Vincent's clothes if he would wait a while.  Smiley had gone into the

barn to 'stock up on provisions' but Vincent was sure he was probably

swiping anything that wasn't nailed to the ground.  He leaned over a

wood fence that constituted one side of a great pen, which contained

several yellow-feathered Chocobos, great ostrich-like birds that pecked

at the grass and cleaned their feathers, prancing around on their

gangly lags with a strange gait.



"Here, chicky chicky!" he said in a low tone, holding a bit of the

danish in front of him.



"Wark! Waaark!" went a Chocobo, prancing over to him and blinking it's

huge, plate-like eyes at Vincent, who smiled back.  It leaned it's

head down and plucked the morsel of food from Vincent's hand, swallowed

it, then made a disgusted gurgle and went back to digging it's talons

into the ground.



"Hey, snot-face!" came a squeaky voice.  Vincent looked to his side,

then looked down at the ground, surprised to discover that the rude

comment had emanated from what looked like a children's toy standing

among the long grasses.  It had the initial resemblance of a snow-

white teddy bear, but a small pair of folded pink bat-like wings 

protruded from it's back, and a single antennae rose up from between

it's ears, topped with a pink, round stub that hung over the

creature's face like the lure of a lantern-fish.  A white headband

was wrapped  around it's head, with unfamiliar characters scrawled

across the front.



"Chocobos eat greens, nitwit!  Not grains!  You trying to make it sick?"

the bad-mouthed thing demanded pulling it's pudgy body onto one of the

lower braces of the fence, sitting back and looking up at Vincent with

shiny black eyes.



"No, of course not," he replied, chewing on the danish.  "What _are_

you?" he asked.  The white bear-like being growled in annoyance and

it's antennae spun around.



"Haven't you ever seen a moogle, brainless?!  The name's Mog.  You must

be that dimwit warrior I heard the farmer talking about.  Almost got

eaten by the marsh-serpent, eh?  Too bad it lost it's appetite!" he

spat, his cute form belying his bad temper.



"Go figure.  I'm being trash-talked by some child's toy.  Look, Moggle,

go get squeezed." Vincent snapped back, wondering how the moogle would

feel if he knocked him around a bit.



"That's _Mog_ you thick-headed scoundrel!" he corrected, "Don't you

have somewhere else to be instead of on _my_ farm?"  Vincent smirked.



"Your farm?  Those Chocobos would probably step on you, shorty."  He

thought for a second.  "I know!  You must be one of the summoned

monsters that farmer was talking about.  Maybe I should teach you a  

lesson." he continued, grinning.  Mog's sneering expression changed

to a worried look and he tried to jump down to the ground, squeaking

anxiously.  Vincent grabbed him and held the furry moogle in the air,

flipping him upside-down and shaking him.



"Stop that, you, you...!" Mog protested.  A red ball of materia fell

from out of the moogle's wide headband, landing on the ground and

rolling to one side.  Vincent flung the moogle aside and leaned over,

picking up the orb and dusting it off.



"Eyaah!" Mog shouted, leaping onto Vincent's leg and hitting him with

his soft paws.



"Oh, that really hurts, you little bugger." Vincent sarcastically

intoned, "but as long as I have your summon materia, you have to help

me out.  Now get off me before I order you to attack the farmer and

his family."  Mog let go stood up, steaming, his fur pink with anger.



"Listen, you, you moron!  As soon as you mess up, I'm taking my orb

back, and then I'll beat the stuffing out of you, fink!"  He tightened

his headband and squeezed under the pen wall, walking freely among

the towering Chocobos.



"What's this?" said Vincent, holding the materia up to the light and

reading the writing scratched on it's surface.  "It says, 'Choco/Mog'.

If you're Mog, who's Choco?  Don't tell me your partner is a chocobo!"

Vincent added, fixing his gaze on Mog, who was trying to climb up the

leg of one of the larger Chocobos.  The big bird picked up the moogle

by biting it's headband with it's large orange beak, and set him on

it's feathery back.



"You betcha, scrawny!  See this?" he indicated, pointing to his headband.

"That says 'Super Deadly Technique!!'  It's the world's--no, the 

universe's most powerful summon!  Between me and Choco--" he said,

patting the Chocobo on the back, who chirped happily, "there's no baddie

we can't beat!"  Vincent gave a mocking laugh.



"So you're trying to tell me that if I summon a Norse god with a spear

of light, he couldn't fight as well as you two could?  What's the

'world's strongest fighters' doing here in a farm, then?" he said in

a singsong voice.  "At least my Odin Materia was locked away in a

safe guarded by some sick failed experiment that was shooting lightning

bolts everywhere!" he recalled, remembering how close that battle in

the Shinra's mansion had been.



"This is a Chocobo Farm, dolt!  So if my partner wants to stop here 

for some free grub, he can do that!  It's not like he's trapped in the

pen!" Mog shot back, crossing his stubby arms.



"Yeah, sure, whatever.  Well, you two enjoy yourselves, and the next

time I'm facing a horrifically powerful opponent, I'll be sure _not_

to summon you.  After all, my challenger would be terrified to see

some little moogle riding a Chocobo."



"I can summon a huge, obese Chocobo that would crush you where you 

stand!" Mog shouted.  Vincent laughed, holding his side, and headed

back indoors.



A few hours later, Vincent was making ready to leave, back in his 

freshly cleaned and mended vermilion clothes.  He had just pulling

on his red headband when there was a knock on the door.



"Done yet?" came the voice of the farmer's wife.  Vincent left their

bedroom, nodding his head at the elderly woman.



"Yes ma'am.  Thanks again for cleaning my clothes." he said, stepping

out into the main room.  He pulled his golden, claw-like gauntlet onto

his right hand.  He had never used it as a weapon, but without any

sort of firearm, he would have to be using it soon enough.  Even he,

normally not concerned by monsters, had heard the eerie wails of

creatures from beyond the pasture.



"Say, how do you manage to protect your farm from the beasts out there?"

he asked the fat farmer, who sat in front of a fireplace, warming his

hands.  It was late in the afternoon, and a chill breeze was coming off

the marsh that swept over the grasslands.



"Those summoned fellas help us." the farmer reminded him, adding another

handful of wood scraps to the hearth.  Vincent took the summon materia

out of his pocket and juggled it in his hands.



"So that's why they're here." he said half to himself.  Then raising

his voice, "You mind if I borrow this, then?  I wouldn't want to leave

you and your family at the mercy of those creatures."  The farmer shook

his head.



"That's not necessary, sir.  Even if you're a mile away and summon them,

they'll always come back here immediately afterwards.  Although the

little one wouldn't admit it, I think he likes having a family to live

with, along with his Chocobo friend.  Actually, you reminded me...."

He got up reached over the fireplace, taking a long-barreled rifle

down from a stand near the chimney.  He handed it to Vincent, who

looked at it admirably.



"Since those two came here seven years back, I haven't had need for

this.  I don't see them leaving anytime soon either, and since you said

something about being a marksman, I figured you could use this.  It's

old, but a trusty thing to have.  But I don't got any ammo for it, 

though.  But seeing that you lost your other weapon in the marsh, well,

something is better than nothing."



"This is the R model, isn't it?  A real classic.  Don't worry, I have

plenty of shells for this baby." Vincent replied, having always 

carried a variety of ammunition with him since choosing firearms as

his weapons of choice.  "I appreciate it, mister, sorry for the hard

words back at the marsh." he apologized, sliding the rifle into his

open-ended holster.  The farmer chuckled.



"Oh, don't you worry.  I just think it'd be an awful tragedy if folks

went around saying the wrong things for the wrong version."



"Uh, yeah." Vincent agreed hesitantly, still not knowing what the

stout man was referring to.  He thanked them both and went outside to

where two sleepy-eyed Chocobos were waiting for him. Smiley was

standing out here, his sack of goods even larger than before.



"C'mon man, let's go!" he said, eager to leave.



"Where've you been?" Vincent asked.  Smiley looked at the large bag

and shrugged.



"I was, erm...shopping.  Let's go before I get found...I mean, before

they try to sell me something else!"



        *                       *                       *



"Great leaping leviathans!"



Vincent decided that such a phrase fit the occasion well.  He and the

man had just arrived at the great Corel Desert and were skirting around

the edge when they saw it.



Or rather, it saw them.



"It" was a great blood-red monster the size of a mountain.  One moment

Vincent had been rubbing his eyes, wondering why a huge crimson head

was skimming through the sand dunes, and the next minute, the thing

had clawed it's way out of the earth.  It has large, stumpy feet and

a grotesque body made of bony plates.  It's claws were huge, each 

talon as big around and as long as a man, and it's spindly arms were

knotted with tightly-packed muscle.  Both Smiley and Vincent were 

thrown to the floor as their mounts warked loudly and bucked them off,

then ran away, flapping their wings.   Smiley landed on his rump and

cursed.



"It's not even Disc 2 yet!" the thief yelled, pulling out the book that

said "HINTS" on the side and flipping through it.  Vincent stepped

forward, his muffler-like cape protecting him from the sand that was

flying around in the air.  It was the perfect atmosphere for a heroic

and impressive deed to be done.



"Smiley, get out of here.  I'll finish this creep off." he said in

a determined tone, taking out his rifle and aiming it at the monster,

which stood fifty feet away from them and was slogging it's way towards

them with monstrous, dune-destroying steps.  He could sense himself

becoming cooler and more hip with each passing second.  Cool guys 

always took risks.



He fired.  It still continued forward.



"On second thought," said Vincent, backing away.  "Maybe we should make

a tactical retreat...."



"Holy Moses!" Smiley spat, jabbing at the opened book.  "That beastie

is worth _tons_ of EXP!  And the AP amount...sweet!"  He turned to look

at Vincent.  "If you want to leave, fine.  But I'm gonna raise some

levels and get some points!"



The monster was almost upon them, but the thief stood his ground, 

equipping various things and taking scores of materia, which he attached

to his weapon and armor.  The monster stopped at the cliff-like rim of

the desert, ready to attack.  Smiley hurriedly tucked in his black shirt

and tucked his pants into his boots, then dumped the rest of the materia

into the neck opening and down his trousers.



"What are you doing?!" Vincent said, a tinge of fear in his voice.  He

didn't care if he didn't look cool right now, he cared about not getting

smashed by the monster.



"Equipping materia, you dolt!  I'm gonna max out these babies!" he

retorted.  He looked up at the monster, then quickly glanced at the

hint book one more time before tossing it aside.



"Okay, step one, summon Hades!"  He held out his wristwatch and one of

the red materia attached to it glowed.



"Hades!" the man yelled out in a high voice.  There was a crack of

thunder and the sky spun crazily, black clouds forming out of nowhere.

Before them, great pillars of stone shot out of the ground, followed

by a central dais of marble.  From out of thin air, a great creaking

chandelier appeared, swaying to and fro, seemingly attached to the

sky.  A great cauldron appeared, accompanied by a ghastly cackle.  Amid

the steam and splattering liquid spewing from the cauldron formed a

great skeleton in a crimson cloak.



"IYEYAHAYAHAHAYAAHAH!" it exclaimed, raising it's hands around the

cauldron and waving them about, causing a cacophony of moaning and

wailing to emanate from the bowels of the great iron pot.



"What's he going to do, cook a meal for that red freak?" Vincent 

mumbled.  The skeleton stopped.  Vincent smacked himself in the head.

"I did it again...." he mumbled in despair.



"OH, SO YOU THINK I'M GOOD FOR NOTHING?" the skeleton bellowed in a

hideous voice that sounded like a thousand fingers being pulled over

some huge blackboard.



"No, not at all...." Vincent said, nervously.



"WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'M A GOOD COOK, WHEN I WANT TO BE."



"He didn't mean it.  Umm...the situation at hand?" Smiley yelled, 

pointing up at the red monster at the edge of the desert, which 

towered over them all.  The skeleton looked at it and then looked

back at them.



"OH POSH, IT'S JUST THE RUBY WEAPON.  WHAT'S HE GOING TO DO, 

INCINERATE ME IN A BLAST OF FIRE?  I, HADES, AM FAR TOO STRONG FOR

THAT!  AS FOR YOU--" he pointed one bony finger at Vincent, who was

digging in his pockets for any other materia in case Hades left the

same way that Odin did.  "--I HEARD ALL ABOUT YOU FROM ODIN.  SO, 

YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF SUMMONED MONSTERS, DO YOU?  WELL,

I'LL SHOW YOU WHO'S AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"



The Ruby Weapon, as Hades had named it, was the reason why Hades had 

screamed.  Or, to be more exact, the blast of fire it had breathed

out, incinerating Hades, his altar, and the cauldron all in one go,

was the reason.  Apparently, it had grown tired of the monster's

speech.



"Now what?!" Vincent said, wondering if the Ruby Weapon would kill 

them now or toy with them first.



"We have to paralyze it!  Let me use some Dazers!" Smiley said, 

fishing a long, black twisted spike from his pocket.



"Why is one item referred to as 'Dazers'?  Wouldn't that make it 

plural?" Vincent asked.  The thief was about to swear at Vincent when

he was cut short by a voice.



"Yes, that's our fault, sorry!"  Seven men drove up in a van, all

dressed very casually.  None of them were armed.  "The translation

was a bit rushed!" one of them continued.



"Excuse me, but what about THAT!?" Smiley screamed, pointing at the

Ruby Weapon again, who was looking at the group of people in a very

nasty way that made Vincent suddenly wish of all the other thousands

of less-painful ways he could have died instead of being torn to shreds

by some great mammoth monster from below the sands.  The men had gotten

out of the van and were standing on the sand-specked edge of the desert

along with Vincent and Smiley.



"Oh, I'll take care of that!" one of the men replied, taking a ball of

Materia out of his pocket that was purple.



"Booster!" he cried.  Bright light poured out from his body like a 

halo.



"Hey Yoshitaka, don't forget this!" one of the men yelled, tossing

another materia to him that was colored green.  The man caught it and

held it above his head.



"Rifab!" he shouted again, the halo of light around him now surrounding

the materia orb.  Vincent and Smiley looked at the Ruby Weapon, expecting

it to get smacked by some powerful attack.  Instead, there was a strange

'bleeping' sound loud enough to make their ears ring.  A huge blue 

display, seemingly two-dimensional, formed in the air above the Ruby

Weapon.  Spelled out in big white letters were the words:



ERROR CHECKER.  SEQUENCE 23/400 ERROR FOUND.  PRESS L1+R1+SELECT TO EXIT.



"That does it!" said the guys, gathering around Smiley and Vincent.



"What the hell did you do?" Vincent asked.  How come he'd never heard 

of those materia before?



"Oh," said the guy named Yoshitaka, the halo fading around him, "We

activated the game's error checker by using some materia not normally

found in the game.  You know, stuff we removed back in the beta stages.

Now that it's locked up the battle, the Ruby Weapon will just sit there."



"The game?" Smiley asked, sounding even more confused.  The men smiled

sadly at the two of them.



"It may be hard for you to understand," said another one of them, a

thin man in glasses with a small moustache who instroduced himself as

Hironobu, "but your world is nothing but a game that we created, with

the help of computers.  We market the games to children and adults

alike, and try to make some profit off of it.  Except something went

wrong.  Like you, the thief guy--" he gestured at Smiley, "you're not

even a main character but an NPC.  We dumped you at the same time that

we thought Boxer shouldn't be a playable character either, along with

Leo and Sephiroth.  You stayed in the game's memory though.  And like

you noticed, the Ruby Weapon isn't around until Disc 2, but you're in

Disc 1, and here it is.  That's also the reason why the continents are

a little different.  If you've noticed, you've gone from Niblehiem to

the Chocobo Farm to here in one day.  That's impossible, normally."



"Disc 1?" Vincent inquired.  "Look, this is all a little too weird.

Try to explain it in English."  He didn't like standing around the

huge red monster, but no one else seemed to mind, so he did his best

to sound cool when he talked to them.



"Yeah, Disc 1 of 3.  This game was produced on CDs--it's a medium, just

like paper, sort of." another man said, wearing a tag on his shirt that

said 'Nobuo'.  "What happened was, we were play-testing the final copy

of the game, and at the prompt to insert the next disc, one of us

accidentally stuck in Disc 3 from the prototype.  Since our PlayStation

was hooked up to the main computers, new data was generated.  Somehow,

it made this world real.  And unless we get things back to normal, this

world will merge with our own.  The real problem is that the Meteor is

going to strike soon, and we have to stop it from doing that, because

if it his, both our worlds are kaput."



Smiley nudged Vincent.  "These are those guys I was telling you about.

I stole that hint book off of them."



"I know this sounds weird," said the first man, who was watching them

closely, "but you saw what our friend here did to the Ruby Weapon. 

Please believe us when we say that we're telling the truth."



"Okay, so what am I to do about it?" Vincent said, trying to sort this

whole mess out.  "I take it this 'Meteor' could kill that red freak in

a single hit, from the way you guys make it sound."



"We're trying to collect all the main characters.  Once we do that, 

all we have to do is convince them to defeat Seraph, er, Safer Sephiroth.

That will trigger the ending sequence, and then the game will shut off.

That should return us back to our own world." the man explained.



"But if the 'game' ends, then we all vanish, right?  I mean, I'm a part

of this 'game', aren't I?"  Vincent's question made some of them laugh.



"You're just a bunch of sloppy coding, Vincent.  Just a program, nothing

more.  It's not like you can be killed."



Vincent took out the rifle and pointed it at the man, who started to

sweat profusely.



"Look, if I'm just a program, then you can reprogram me, right?  If

that's the case, I'll help you on the condition that you get rid of that

stupid "good bad guy" clause that I seem to be a part of.  Make me be

a hero, not some angst-ridden guy who sleeps in coffins.  And I want 

lots of chicks, too, and money!" he demanded.  Perhaps things weren't

so bad after all.



"Yeah, sure, you bet!" one of the men said.  "If you help us, we'll

make...a game starring you!  You'll be the main man!  And you'll be

the coolest character the world's ever seen!" he sputtered.



"Okay then, sign me up!" said Vincent, putting away his rifle and

heading towards the van.



"What about me?" Smiley asked.  "I'm not even supposed to be in the

game?"  The men nodded.  "In that case, I'm gonna kill that monster

and get loaded with gil and EXP!" he yelled, sliding down the desert

cliff and racing towards the monster's foot.  The men got back into

the car.



"The Weapon's claws aren't in the ground...assuming he can even do

1 HP's worth of damage per hit, it'll take him years to kill that 

thing." one of them said.  "C'mon, let's get the others."  He started

up the ignition.  Another man took out a gray, hand-held device with

a cross-controller and four molded buttons on the top and sides.  He

pressed down several buttons on the device and everything darkened for

a second, then returned to normal.



"We left the battle scenario.  Alright, let's get moving!" he said.

They zoomed off into the hills.



        *                       *                       *



"Lissen, ya crazy spiky-assed goons.  I agree with da engineer.  Dis

plan is wacked out!  You wunna die like a gangsta'?"



"You heard him, you &*%#@ little *&#$%$@ bastards!  Shit, that's the

stupidest piece of *&%^@ I've heard all day!"



Vincent decided that listening to Cid was as almost as bad as trying

to understand Barret.  Since hooking up with the men in the van, who

said they were were known collectively as SQUARE, they had driven to

various places, finding people from out of the blue and asking them

to help them.  Some people though that they were fighting for a noble

cause and joined immediately, like a talking animal named Red 13 that

they met in Cosmo Canyon and some crazy  fortuneteller who looked a

lot like a cat, who said he wanted to protect the people of Midgar

against evil.  Others, like the spunky young lady they found wandering

around in the woods, joined because they had other reasons (the lady,

who said her name was Yuffie, had been eying Yoshitaka's materia since

tagging along).  Then there were those who were skeptical, like Barett

and Cid.  Barett had joined only because Aeris immediately insisted on

coming with Vincent, in an attempt to be helpful.  But after finding

Cid in Rocket Town, he was beginning to argue with people, agreeing

with the foulmouthed man that the SQUARE guys were all nuts.



"Peep dis," Barett said loudly, interrupting Vincent's train of thought

and returning him to the matter at hand, "Youse all be knocked up in da

hed if you think that we have any chance against sum mofo who you say

is trying to become God.  If a punkass had dat much power, wat do you

think we can do, just pop 'im fulla lead and hope he bites da dust?"



"**&#@ right on!" Cid enjoined, taking a puff on his cigarette.  They

had been in Cid's house all day arguing over the intentions of the

SQUARE workers.  None of them wanted to die due to the Meteor, but it

sounded like the plan at hand was suicide anyway.  Not to mention that

there was no meteor floating in the sky anyway, but Nobuo had said

that when you could see it, it'd be too late.  Aeris and Cid's friend,

Shera, came out with plates of tea and crackers that they served to

everyone, except Red 13, who was gnawing on a chew toy.



"Why don't we take a trip to Wutai and go on a vacation?" Yuffie

said, picking at a cracker.  "Just a suggestion."



"Oh shut up!" Vincent said in a scolding tone.  He had had enough of

this endless banter.  "That's the fifth time you've suggested that.

Look, Barett, Cid, I was there when these guys stopped that Ruby 

Weapon.  They obviously know what they're doing.  If they need our

help, I say we help them.  If we do nothing, we die for sure.  If

we help them, we may die, we may live.  Doesn't that sound marginally

better?"



"Yes, but it's these guys fault in the first place for messing 

everything up.  They're just as bad as Shinra." said the fortuneteller,

who everyone called Cait Sith.



"Well, I'm being made the star of my own game after all this is over."

said Vincent.  "They have that kind of power."  As he said this, 

everyone's eyes lit up.



"Why didn'tcha say that before, ya gothic freak!" Barett spat, slamming

down his gun arm for the nth time against the wooden table, which

squeaked in protest.  "Yo, you dudes could make me lose this pathetic

lingo if I helped ya, a'ight?  I mean, it'd be coo if dis wuz America,

but it's not, and only I talk like dis!"



"Yeah, right." said one of them, dismally.  "We'll...we'll all do one

favor for you if you help us.  Cid, you can fly your rocket, Red 13, 

you can meet your father, Aeris, you can...well, no, you should be

dead at this point.  I dunno, we'll put in a process to revive you.

We have some unused materia we could use for that, and maybe we could

stick in the Key to Midgar in Disc 1."  He gestured at another SQUARE

executive, who was drooling and staring at Yuffie.  "Hey you, get 

Lansing on that.  Tell him to finish those transparent polygons on

the double."  The man took out a cell phone and stepped outside.



"So I can fly my *(@&%# rocket?" Cid snorted.  "All right, count me

in.  Just don't piss your pants if I mess up.  And for god sakes, 

drink your goddamn TEA!" he said, noticing that no one had touched

it yet.



"I die!?" Aeris asked.  They all ignored her.  Red 13 was mumbling

to himself how happy he'd be to meet his father.  Yuffie was trying

to slip a materia out of the coat pocket of Nobuo, who slapped her

wrist and scooted his chair away.



"Well, if that's all settled, we're still looking for Cloud Strife and

Tifa Lockheart.  Since Sephiroth is at the Northern Crater, all we have

to do is--"



"Sephiroth?" Barett intoned, "I wuz lookin' for that guy.  Wanted him

ta join Avalanche and have 'im fight the Shinra.  Dey say he's got the

strength of a hundred men."



"He's as cracked as Kefka.  Asking him to join would not be a good

idea." Yoshitaka retorted, examining a map of the world to see where

they had to go next.  "Anyway, I think I've finally figured out the

order in which events were scrambled.  It seems that we can find a

sane and restored Cloud in Mideel.  At this point in the game, Tifa

should be there too, since she just nursed him back to health."



"Cid, we'll need to take the Tiny Bronco." someone said.



"Okay, you damn programmers, you can use it, but I want you to put me

in every one of your games from now on.  And make me a good guy.  Better

yet, make me the smart guy, who invents cool shit for other people to 

use.  Ya know, a real Einstein."



"I'm not a programmer, I'm the President of Shinra."  Everyone looked

up, only to find a young man in a white coat standing in the doorway.

He was flanked by a bunch of well-dressed men and one woman, who 

Vincent immediately recognized as the Turks.



"And anyone who gets in my way will be killed."



        *                       *                       *

        

Cloud had not been at all himself lately.  Of course, for him, that meant

a lot more than most people, Tifa reflected.  He had fallen into the 

Lifestream earlier when a huge Chocobo calling itself the 'Ultimate 

Weapon' appeared and started demanding Samolen Greens, threatening to

Chocobuckle the entire town.  When everyone laughed at it, it made good

on it's promise, destroying the entire village and sending Tifa and

Cloud into the Lifestream, a river of energy which seemed to run

throughout the planet.  Everything after that had been a little weird--

she thought she heard people talking about "shutting off the computers"

and "letting Mr. Sakaguchi know that they couldn't fix it on their end

either".  Then she woke up, having been washed ashore along with Cloud.

She had secretly helped that the power of the Lifestream would help him,

since it was said in legends to have healing properties.  It didn't

work, though, and he remained in his veggie state.



"Parasite...Eve...Frontier...Saga..." he muttered, a jumble of words

that made no sense.  Tifa wiped the drool from his chin and sat back

in the makeshift hospital, which was the remnants of several houses

clustered together.  At least the 'Ultimate Weapon' had left and not

returned, and it seemed as if everyone else was okay.  The only other

person that fell in the Lifestream was a young baker whom quickly 

befriended Tifa.



"...Final Fantasy Five...English Patch...." Cloud babbled.  Her nerves

already stretched thin, she stuffed a Moogle doll into Cloud's arms for

him to hold on to and went outside, breathing in the fresh air.  Lately,

or so it seemed, everything had been going wrong.  She had gone to 

Midgar a long time ago to look up an old friend, Zack, and found out

that he had been murdered, supposedly by the Shinra.  Finding out how

devious the conglomerate really was, she ended up joining the rebel

group Avalanche in order to fight for freedom--her old mentor, Zangan,

would have wanted her to do such a thing, anyway.  Then her old friend,

Cloud Strife, suddenly showed up.  He had apparently went AWOL and

left the Shinra for some unknown reason.  He joined up with Avalanche

for the money, and then split as soon as their first terrorist attempt,

the bombing of the Mako Reactor No. 1, was over.  Later, Tifa allowed

herself to be sent to the mansion of Don Corneo, a known Shinra

henchman, as part of a spying mission, only to find Cloud sitting

around in the mansion dressed up in a kimono, babbling about how pretty

he looked.  She dragged him out of there and tried to find a doctor

for him, but then Wall Market was swarmed with Shinra soldiers looking

for Avalanche members.  So she hid in the cargo bay of one of the large

airplanes that had landed there, and before she could she could escape,

it took off, landing in Mideel shortly before going to Junon.  That's

where they had gotten off, and now she was stuck on this little forsaken

island.  The boredom of trying to care for Cloud, who obviously needed

more than just lithium to get everything in working order, was too much

for her.  She worked out her stress by attacking wandering chocobos 

with a Level 4 Suicide skill she had picked up somewhere and beating the

crap out of monsters, then morphing them into all sorts of good items.

She felt good when she was fighting, but then she had to return to Mideel

to feed Cloud and make sure he wasn't trying to eat his own hand, or

worse.



"Hiya, Ms. Lockheart!" came a familiar voice.  Tifa blinked her eyes

and looked to her side, only to see a young man come up the hill.  He

was dressed in a black cloak and had long silver hair.  Slung at his

side was a 12-foot long baguette.



"Oh, hi Sephiroth!" she said, smiling and giving a little bow.  He was

a baker in Mideel who had generously doled out free bread and pastries

to the citizens after their village was destroyed.  He was also one of

the few people who didn't gawk at Tifa, and so they had hit it off

quickly.  If there was one weird thing about him, it was that he said

that the baguette was "baked only for him to use."  On top of that,

he never ate it, but sometimes swung it around as if it was a giant

sword.  Oh well, she thought, perhaps living in Mideel did that to you

after a few years.



"I brought your friend some monkey puzzle bread for dinner.  Think he's

up to it?" Seph asked, smiling earnestly.  



"I doubt it, but I'm starving.  Let's go inside and have some." she 

replied, rubbing her arms to ward off the cool air of the approaching

evening.



"Ms. Lockheart, wouldn't you feel better with a coat on?" Sephiroth

asked.  Tifa shook her head in disagreement.  Whether it was raining,

snowing, or sunny, she always wore a miniskirt and tank top.  She 

didn't know, it just seemed appropriate for all occasions, even if

she always caught colds in the winter and had once gotten pretty

severe frostbite during a vacation in her youth to Gaea's Cliff.  They

sat down on the bunk beds across from Cloud and ate the bread and drank

some water, chatting the time away.  Sephiroth was impressed by Tifa's

occupation as a terrorist, and he always loved hearing her dangerous

deeds.  She liked hearing about Sephiroth's daydreams--although he was

just a baker, he often dreamed about being a war hero or a master

swordsman.  Some of the stuff he told her, like wishing he had an alien

mother and wanting to seal himself in a magic chrysalis in a tree at

the North Pole, or summoning a huge meteor 'for fun', sounded a little

strange, but Tifa knew that if Seph wanted to become a science-fiction

writer, he'd make an excellent one.



"Tobal 2...Rad...Racer...Mystic Quest...!" Cloud suddenly interjected,

mumbling to himself.  Tifa sighed and wiped his face free of drool.



"Hey, I've played that one!" Sephiroth said, scooting over to Cloud.

"You know what, I never found that Aero spell book!  Can you believe

I played through the whole game without it?!" he said, laughing and

scratching the back of his neck.  Tifa, who thought Cloud had just

been muttering gibberish, looked at Sephiroth, then looked at Cloud.

A spark of intelligence seemed to appear in the spiky-haired warrior's 

eyes.



"It's in...Doom...Castle...." he whispered, obviously not having an

easy time talking.



"He said something!  He responded!" said Tifa, leaping up.  Even Seph

had a hard time ignoring the movements her body made as she leapt out

of the bed and hugged Cloud, practically suffocating him against her

bosom.



"Ms. Lockheart, don't you think that's dangerous?" Sephiroth said.

Tifa realized what she was doing and backed away, blushing.  Cloud had

a big perverted grin on his face.



"I remember now...." he said, lifting a hand to brush his face.  "I

hit my head...and then some guy said I'd look cute in a wig and dress.

And then....you rescued me." he stammered, pulling at his hair to make

sure he wasn't still wearing the pig-tailed wig.  He smiled at her,

then saw Sephiroth clearly and screamed like a little girl, leaping out

of his wheelchair and practically clinging to the wall like a cat.



"Good Lord!  Sephiroth!" he shrieked.  Not seeing his trusty oversized

sword anywhere, he grabbed a piece of fallen lumber and faced Sephiroth.



"Now...we end it!" he said, wondering why the most fearsome member of

SOLDIER was carrying a huge bread roll with him.



"Omnislash!!" Cloud shouted.  Nothing happened.  Cloud realized that

he didn't have his Extreme Limit Break manual on him and shrugged.  He

knew lots of other fearsome Limit Breaks with which to smash Sephiroth,

in any case.



"Meteorain!!" he yelled again, gripping the length of wood.  Again,

nothing.



"Climhazzard?" Cloud said in a meek voice.  He had to know some sort

of special attack--all heroes did.



"Braver!?" he said, in a pathetic whisper, waving the piece of wood

before him limply.  To his immense delight, orange light shone from

around him in a circle of brightness.



"All right, then...BRAVER!" Cloud cried, leaping up into the air,

ready to bring the piece of wood down on Sephiroth's head and split

him in two with one mighty blow.  He instead collided with the 

ceiling of the hospital and dropped like a stone to the ground.  Tifa

and Sephiroth stood their in shock for a few minutes.  Cloud opened

his mouth finally.



"...Treasure Hunter...G." he muttered, drool running down his cheek.

Stars floated around his head, as well as bobbing super-deformed 

Cloud heads with big dizzy eyes.  Tifa sighed and kicked the floor,

then helped him back into the wheelchair.



"Maybe I should leave!" Seph said, who was left shaking in his boots

after nearly being killed by Cloud.  He turned towards the door, only

to find a young man in a white coat standing there, along with a

black panther.  Nearby were a man and several people who were all

rather well dressed.



"Cid, I don't think you understa...!"  The man looked around the 

run-down hospital.  "Where the hell are we?" he said, hitting the

side of the hospital wall.  The people behind him were just as

confused, looking around and muttering to each other.



"Rude, I want a report!  Where are we?" the man demanded, looking

at one fellow wearing a suit and sunglasses.



"...." said Rude.



"Where ARE we?" the man yelled again, stroking the panther with one

hand to keep it calm.



"...." Rude retorted, crossing his arms in annoyance.



"Mr. Rufus, er...I mean, President Rufus, Rude doesn't say much." said

the only female, a spunky lady with blonde hair.  "But I think we're

in Mideel, sir."  The man brushed the hair out of his face.



"Mideel?  That little backwater...oh, sweet mama!"  Rufus stared at

Tifa, his eyes wide.  He walked up to her and poked her chest with one

finger.



"No way!  That can't be real!  Your back would break!" he sputtered,

staring at her front.  Tifa gritted her teeth and pulled on one of 

her gloves.



"DOLPHIN BLOW!" she yelled, preparing to knock Rufus into the sky.

Suddenly, a man with blonde hair appeared, wearing a red gi.  Under

one arm was a large dolphin that was squeaking angrily.



"Shoryuken!" the man proclaimed, throwing an uppercut while leaping

into the air.  Flame trailed from his fist and Rufus shot through

the piecemeal roof, followed by a trail of smoke.



"Yatta ze!" the man said upon landing.  He gave them a thumbs-up, then

put the dolphin over his shoulder firefighter-style and ran out past the

blonde-haired girl, down the hill to the shore where some guy in a

white gi and a red headband was waiting for him.



"What was that!?" said Seph, the past events of the last few minutes 

leaving him worse for wear.  He sat down on one of the beds and began

sobbing.  "Leave me alone!" he cried, wanting nothing to do with

crazy swordsmen, teleporting Presidents, or men who attacked with

dolphins and fists of fire.  Tifa sat down and patted him on the back.

The man called Rude looked as if he was about to attack Tifa for what

she inadvertently did to Rufus when they heard the squeal of tires.

A group of seven men ran up the hill towards the hospital, followed by

a strange group of people, including what Tifa could swear was a giant

stuffed doll being ridden by a cat and a large man with a gun for an

arm, who she recognized as, of all people, Barett. Seph saw them all

and passed out.  They squeezed inside the crowded building, dragging

a wounded Rufus along with them.



"Actually Rufus," one of them said, setting the dazed and scorched

President down on one of the beds, "It is possible.  Our character

designer drew her like that.  It helps sell the game to men."  He

turned to smile at Tifa and gawked at her.  Tifa was about to sock

him too, but after all the weird events that had happened, she decided

against it and instead took Sephiroth's cape off his still body and

wrapped the shapeless apparel around her.



        *                       *                       *



"It would appear that Sephiroth has become...a good guy."



They were all sitting in the hospital the next morning, drinking hot

cocoa and scones that Aeris had found from somewhere.  Tifa was 

overjoyed to see Barett again, and they explained what had happened

during each other's absences.  Apparently, just as Rufus was about

to attack them all, he and the Turks disappeared and landed in Mideel.

One of the SQUARE employees knew where they had ended up, saying that

the "map editor is on the fritz."  Everyone was caught up to date on

events, except for Cloud, who as it turned out, knew the title of 

every Square game ever made.  He impressed the employees mightily.



"That's impossible!" Rufus snapped.  The President had stayed there

with the Turks, since he had no way of leaving the island until his

convoy arrived on his personal plane, the Gelnika.  Yoshitaka had

only laughed and told him it was at the sea bottom by now, but Rufus

ignored him and drank his coffee in an angry and authorative way 

that only bad guys can.  Being incredibly evil and manipulative, he

had secretly sent Reno out to find out how everyone else had gotten

here.  It'd be the perfectly maniacal thing to do if he could leave

them all stranded here.



"I'm telling you," said Sephiroth, who had recovered and was as happy

and jolly as ever, "I'm a baker.  I make treats for the kiddies with

leftover dough.  Then I go and visit the elderly before going home and

getting a good night's sleep.  Why would I want to take over the world?"

His response made most of the SQUARE employees sigh bitterly.



"Well, all we know is that the Meteor _has_ been summoned.  Whether you

did or not.  And if you don't become Safer Sephiroth, their won't be

anyone to defeat, and the game won't end.  Which means that we'll all

die when the Meteor strikes Midgar, since it'll hit the Earth, too."

said Nobuo.



"Can't I stop it?" Aeris asked.  "You said I stop it in the game, 

don't I?  I'd like to help!"



"You have to be in the Forgotten Capital for that to work.  And we

can't get there because the sequence editor says it's Disc 1 now,

approximately seven hours into the game.  It's given us that same

reading since last night.  You can't get into the Capital until after

the Temple of Ancients sequence, and unless the timer starts back up,

we won't be able to enter because Cait Sith hasn't tricked you out of

the Keystone...and oh, forget it.  Just suffice it to say that we

can't get there.  Besides, there'd be no one to kill you anyway, not

like it matters."



"Of course it matters!" Hironobu said, leaping out of his chair.

"That's the key point of the game!  Life and Death!  It's the--".



He was cut off by Vincent, who gave him the finger.



"Look pops, the only death that we're going to see in this game is

ours, unless we don't stop the Meteor!  You guys made the damn game,

figure out what to do.  We're all here, right!  We've done enough

then."  He sat down, waiting for someone to say 'Right on!' or to

applaud.  No one did.



"You're so dorky," said Tseng.  "No one looks cool badmouthing the

guys who created them.  You sound like a whiny kid."



"Yeah!" Cid added, who would cuss if he wasn't busy eating and

drinking.



"Yeah, you always act like such a badass.  Who are you trying to 

imitate, the Turks or something?" Cait Sith piped up, trying to make

someone else look bad.  When Nobuo had said that he tricked the rest

of them, no one had apparently noticed, and he didn't want to be

branded a traitor.  Better to get everyone riled up at someone else.



"Well, I think Mr. Valentine...Valentine!!!" Aeris's attempt at 

defending him ended in laughter as she held her sides and fell back on

one of the beds, telling everyone there that she'd never heard of such

a ridiculous last name.



"Fine.  I'll go kill Safer Sephiroth myself." said Vincent, standing

up.



"Oh, trying to be a martyr or some wannabe loner?" Cait spat, "Magus

did it ten times better in 'Chrono Trigger'."  One of the SQUARE guys

nodded in agreement.  Tseng continued, "besides, Safer Sephiroth 

doesn't even exist yet, remember?  And the only way off this island

is if those Square guys use their powers...that's how we got here,

remember?"



"Powers?" Rufus asked, interested, looking at the thing that Hironobu

had called a 'Playstation controller'.  The developer hissed at him and

he backed off.



"Shut up, traitor!" said Vincent, pointing at the cat.  Everyone looked

at the fortune-teller, recalling Nobuo's words.



"No, really, I become a good guy in the end!" Cait tried to reason with

them.  They all accepted that and looked back at Vincent.



"You guys shouldn't fight...you're all on the same team.  Besides,

Vincent can't help it--he's suffering from the 'somewhat evil guy

who acts like a cool, uncaring loner' cliche we use in our games to

seem original.  Just because you all notice it doesn't mean he's

doing a bad job at it." said Yoshitaka.



"So I am cool!" Vincent said, half to himself.



"I DIE TOO?!" Tseng yelled, who had been chatting with Aeris during

their argument and had learned some not-so-hot news.



"Get over it Tseng, you're just a program." one of the employees

shot back.



"You better keep me alive or I won't help!" he shot back.



"Fine, you're not a main character anyway!" Hironobu yelled.  Vincent,

who had had enough of all this fighting, slipped out of the door and

went down to the beach to think.  He had just sat down when he realized

that Sephiroth was sitting not too far away, looking out over the sea.



"Hey, Seph, what're you doing here?" Vincent asked, scooting over to

him in as cool a way as he could muster.  Sephiroth ran a hand through

his silver hair.



"Did you here what they said about me?" he exclaimed.  "I don't want

to kill anyone!  I want to plant flowers--start an arboretum.  Maybe

open an orphanage!"  Vincent nodded.



"Yeah, to be truthful, it's hard to see you doing anything bad at all."

Vincent said, trying to sound happy.  "Guys who bake bread don't go

out and stab women with swords or take over people's minds in cruel

and sadistic ways."



"If there's one thing weird about me, it's my daydreams.  You know what

I was dreaming about just now?  I had created a clone of myself using

the cells of my mother, and the clone gone into a crater on the northern

continent and was absorbing all this Lifestream energy into my body.  It

could use it to become all-powerful!  It could turn my alien mother into

a super being, a synthetic monster!"



"Uh...yeah...." Vincent responded, backing away.  That was weird, no

doubt about it.  Suddenly inspiration hit him like a thunderbolt from

the sky (which was pretty probable, since they sold Lightning materia

around here).



"I've got it!" he exclaimed.  "You say you're not evil, but you have

these sick, weird, twisted dreams.  Dreams that only a deluded freak with 

visions of grandeur and genocide could think of!"  Sephiroth gave him

a hurt look.



"What I'm saying is," the rifle-wielding man continued, "is that maybe

those aren't dreams at all, but things that are really happening.  I

mean, you say you're not evil, but you think all this evil stuff in your 

dreams.  Maybe when you dream, you're really doing that sort of thing!

Those guys never explained about how Meteor was summoned without you,

but Tifa told me that you daydreamed about summoning it, right?"



"Well, yeah, right!" said Seph, wanting to feel elated but somewhat

shocked that he could have a nefariously vile side to him.



"And the Meteor is coming!  C'mon, let's tell the others!"  He grabbed

Seph and they ran back towards the hospital.



        *                       *                       *



It was quiet.



They stood at the bottom of the Northern Crater, waiting for something,

for anything, to happen.  Realizing that Vincent was on to something,

they had raced to the Northern Crater, accompanied by Rufus and the

Turks, who had come along in hopes of seeing if the Mako energy found

there could be used by the Shinra.  They had all made their way down

into the  Crater, finding it to be utterly devoid of life, although

there were great materia and unlocked treasure chests lying around, not 

to mention these strange guys living in pots that everyone got a kick

out of blowing up with their weapons.  When they reached the bottom

area of the crater, everything had gone dark, and nothing had happened

since then.



"...." said Rude.



"I agree.  This is &*#@( nuts!" exclaimed Cid, who was providing the

only source of light from the tip of his cigarette.



"...Final Fantasy Adventure...." Cloud gasped.



"Shut up you guys.  It's probably just loading the boss sequence.  A

fully rendered spinning polygon vortex doesn't get drawn on the fly,

you know." came the voice of one of the developers.



Suddenly, they were bombarded by light.  An endless corridor of spinning

pink clouds appeared around them, and yet they didn't fall down, although

Reno made a very uncool shriek and climbed onto the back of Cloud's

wheelchair.



"La la la la!" came a chorus of voices.  It sounded like a choir.  

Looking around, they saw a group of young men and women standing nearby,

reading from books and singing.



"Veni, veni...." they intoned.



"Shu'up!" Barett roared.  "Can't you stop singing!  Damn, yoo foo's 

could a'least sing sumtin more upbeat, like rap!?"



The men and women looked at each other.  They looked at him.



"'If you really want to party with me....'" they sung.  Barett

grinned.



"Dat's better!" he said.



"'Then put all your hands where my eyes can see!'" they continued.

Tifa was tapping a boot along with the beat, then suddenly realized

that something was descending out of the air before them.



It looked a bit like Sephiroth, but it was much bigger, and had a

double halo surrounding it's head.  One arm ended in a great feathered

wing, like a bird, or maybe an angel.  Beneath Sephiroth's torso was

a mass of white feathers and a strange body composed of four more

wing-like appendages that swung lazily back and forth, somehow

supporting him in the air.



"Fu fu fu!" it exclaimed.



"Shouldn't that be, "Ha, ha ha?" Vincent asked, who was quite afraid

but was determined not to show it.



"Mr. Valentine, like I said, we didn't get everything translated yet.

And I wouldn't say such things to it.  Unlike the battle with Ruby

Weapon, we can't 'error check' this one or the game will crash, he

being the final boss and what all.  I highly suggest you attack him

instead of chatting." Hironobu yelled.  Vincent turned and saw that

they had all retreated, some of them trying to mingle in with the

choir.



"You all are the heroes, so do something heroic!" Yoshitaka cried,

backing away from Safer Sephiroth.



"You puny mortals!  I will crush you!  I will pulverize you into 

small bits, and then I will stomp on those bits!  I will take those

squashed bits and burn them!  I will take the ashes of those

squashed, burnt bits and then cast 'Ultima' on them until there

is nothing left!" Safer Sephiroth yelled.  What would of sounded

stupid if said by any normal man sounded like the worst piece of

news in the world when delivered by a floating, angelic monster

that looked like it could do such things and much more without even

braking into a sweat.



"Pale Horse!" Safer Sephiroth roared, pointing at them.  A white

pony appeared before them and pranced around a bit, then ran off,

neighing nervously at the sight of the final boss.



"Sorry, Mr. Safer, we should have translated that as 'Pyro Holes'!"

yelled one of the SQUARE employees.



"Oh, yes, then, Pyro Holes!" Safer spat, sending a deluge of laser

light towards them.  Everyone dived in opposite directions, Tifa

pushing Cloud's wheelchair out of the way.  Explosions rocked the

area around them.



"Don't help him, you pea-brained *#^^@*&!" Cid snorted.



"Now, I will finish you!" Safer cried, floating into the air.



"SUPERNOVA!" he exclaimed.  Vincent sketched the Cross on his chest.

That was it.  He was fried, for sure.  Sephiroth suddenly got a bright

look on his face and leapt to his feet.



"Wait, Safer!  Are you casting the Japanese or English version of that

spell?" he yelled.  Safer stopped and looked at him.



"Oh, yes, that's right.  I forgot, which version is the impressive one

that will waste all of you guys?"  Seph smiled at him.



"That'd be the fearsomely evil Japanese version!" he said cheerily.

One of the producers started laughing, but Safer didn't hear him.



"Okay," yelled Safer, "Japanese Supernova!"



The sky split apart.  A little dinky model of the planets came down.

Vincent realized that it was a child's mobile, the kind hung over

cribs.  It spun around once, and there was a pinging sound.  They

all took one point of damage.



"Haha!  Loser!" yelled Sephiroth.  They were about to bum rush him

when Safer cackled, making their skin crawl.



"Alright then, American Supernova!"



"We are _screwed_!" yelled Nobuo.



Everything went dark.  They all watched in awe as a burst of light

appeared, shooting through planets like a bullet through an apple.

The light flew into the sun and it began to bulge, growing larger and

larger.  Waves of heat emanated forward and the sun's fearsome outer

layer grew until it was right behind them.  Everyone was screaming,

except for Barett.



"Foo's!" he exclaimed, "It's fake!  He played y'all!  If dat thing

hit da sun, it'd take billions o' years for it to go nova!  Didn't

you all take an astronomy course?  Hella dumb, Safer!  That musta

cost you all yo MP.  So we gonna whup ya!"



Suddenly realizing that the summon spell, was in fact, nothing more

than a light show (albeit, very, very, very impressive), the heroes

stood up and unsheathed their weapons.  Cloud even managed to hold

up the piece of wood he had been holding.



"Very impressive!" Safer taunted.  "But while you've been watching

that little light show, I just drank a Turbo Ether!  Which gives

me enough MP to cast one last spell!"



"Knights of the Round!" he cried, in what was afterward recorded in

history books as the most evil cry of all time.  Eight minutes later,

they were all lying on the ground, all of them dead, except for

Vincent, who was wise enough to have a Final Attack materia in his

pocket that he had rubberbanded to a Revive materia.  He was trying

to work up enough strength to stand up, but when King Arthur sticks

an 80-foot long sword in your back, you tend to have trouble moving

afterwards.



"Good day to you, Safer!  At least you treat us with respect!" said

the last of the Knights, tipping his helmet to the boss before 

leaping into a portal and vanishing.  Safer laughed.



"Finally!  Zeromus couldn't do it, Kefka couldn't do it, Neo ExDeath

couldn't do it!  But I did!  For once, the bad guys won!" he yelled,

flapping his wings in time with the choir, which was now singing,

"Feel So Good".



"Actually," muttered Vincent, who had worked himself up on one knee,

"I think Dark Force beat you to it.  In Phantasy Star 2.  He was

defeated, but no one knows what happened to him afterwards, and then

the heroes got attacked by a bunch of Earthmen."



"Well, okay, for a SQUARE game, I won!" Safer said.  "You're still

alive, but that's easily remedied!"



"Nope, you didn't win." Vincent muttered, "I still got enough MP left

for one last attack."



"Idiot!  I have full HP!" Safer grinned.



"Choco/Mog!" Vincent cried, holding up the red materia he had gleaned

from Mog back on the Chocobo farm.  It felt like such a long time ago.

From somewhere in the distance, a Chocobo appeared, dashing forwards.

Bouncing around on it's back was Mog, looking steely and determined.



"Okay, pin-head, you asked for it!"  Mog squeaked.



"Cho Hissatsu Waza!" he cried out in a foreign tongue.  The

chocobo leaped up and headbutted Safer.  Mog leaped up and kicked

the boss in the chest, then fell to the ground, hitting his head.

The chocobo picked up the dizzied moogle and backed away.



"Oh, that really hurt!" Safer laughed, his voice booming across the

heavens.



"It means 'Super Deadly Technique', dink!" Mog yelled, having recovered

his wits.  "That means it's _always deadly_ whether it hits or misses!"



Safer's face fell.  He whipped out a yellow materia and held it up.



"Scan me!" he cried.  A blue window appeared in the air, much like the

one Vincent had seen when fighting the Ruby Weapon.



        SAFER SEPHIROTH         HP: 100/???? (a hella big amount)



"My protections worked!  But wait, only 100 measly HPs!" Safer

exclaimed, looking like he was about to die at any moment.  He

glared at Vincent, then laughed.



"Wait a minute, all your equipment got trashed when those Knights

beat the daylights out of you!  And you yourself said that you only

had enough MP for one summon!  Jerk!  You have no way of attacking

me!"  Vincent fell to the ground in disbelief, and Mog began swearing

loudly while the Chocobo warked in protest.



"Hold up, evil man!" came a high pitched voice.  Vincent looked up,

only to see, of all people, Smiley the thief standing there.



"You weenie!" Safer yelled.  "I know for a fact that you're not 

even a side character, which means you're Level One!  If attacked

me, you'd do one point of damage!"



"That's jacked, evil dude!" Smiley yelled, "Cuz while you guys have

been fighting--" he looked at Vincent and the others, realizing that

only Vincent was alive--" I mean, while that guy has been fighting,

I've been hacking away at the Ruby Weapon this whole time!  And guess

what I finally managed to do to that non-moving beastie!?"



Smiley tossed a rose to the ground, made of crystal.



"The Desert Rose!?  You _beat_ him!" Safer gasped, knowing just how 

many levels people rose when a Weapon was killed.



"Right on, man.  Die, evil guy!" Smiley cried, pulling out his shirt and

untucking his pants from his boots.  Materia poured onto the floor.  He

took off his beret and materia fell out of that, and then more materia

was produced from his pockets.



"These are all mastered!" Smiley said triumphantly, "like, five times

over!  And I'm level 9001, giving me enough MP to use 'em all!"



"All!" he shouted, in a very post-climatic way.  All the materia shone

brightly and Safer was blasted by elemental spells, scanned, morphed,

controlled, and attacked by scores of summoned monsters (Vincent kept

his mouth shut while they attacked).  Then everything was repeated

four times, drained HP, and hit a second time, since they were all

connected to various Support materia.  Smiley, who was surrounded by

mastered Independent materia, had stats. so high that no attack could

miss or cause anything less than maximum damage.  It was overkill, to

be sure, but Safer had it coming.



When it was all over, the only thing left remaining was a tiny bit of

a feather that had been crushed, pulverized, stomped, and burned.

'Ultima' had also been cast on it multiple times.  Smiley walked over

to the tiny bit and ground it with his shoe, destroying it utterly.



"Looks like I win!  Too bad that Safer guy wasn't worth any EXP or AP!

Hey, Vincent man, seeya later!" said Smiley, who was eager to get out

since he had just stolen all the valuables from the singing choir

while they were watching Safer's untimely demise.  Vincent picked up

one of the materia, Revive, and began bringing back the dead.  He

couldn't revive Aeris for some reason, but he didn't really care, 

since Hironobu said that was all taken care of anyway.  All of them

listened to what he did and stared at him in awe.



"So that thief doesn't want these?" said Yuffie, her eyes bright as

she surveyed the many spheres of Materia lying around.



"Even if you didn't kill him, critically wounding a boss in one move

is pretty cool!" said Tseng, who was patting the head of Mog.  The 

moogle promptly spit on him.  Everyone else agreed with Tseng.  



Then Hironobu watched the ending credits, made a note to fix the

incomplete ending before they released the game, and turned the power

off on his PlayStation, returning everything back to normal.



        *                       *                       *

...



Well, the game's over, so I guess this tale is, too.  I'm gonna go play

that new SQUARE game I just bought, "That Cool Guy Vincent's Heroic

Adventure in which The Genius Cid also appears and Flies his Rocket,

Aeris is Revived, Barett Speaks Like Everyone Else, and Tseng Doesn't

Die, However Smiley Appears as a Main Character, Because He Asked

For It and Thought Being an NPC was Stupid.  Sephiroth is not the Last

Boss but Helps Vincent by Selling Bread."



Wouldn't it be weird if a story like this was true?