Doom - Letters Home

Review Breakdown
Battle System	Bloody
Interface	Boomsticks
Prolific Sound	Screaming
Nationality	Phobos
Memorial Service	Graveside!
Chanting About	DEMONS!
Your Bounty	Space Bux
Visuals	Gory
Wading Through	The DEAD!
Life Span	Not Long
Overall
This is why I knew I shouldn't have eaten all the shrooms before leaving space-dock...

   Dear Mom,

   This is your boy Flynn. I know it's been awhile since I last wrote you, but things have been kinda hectic since I left Mars for Phobos. Stop crying. I'm alright... At least for the moment. I'm not a hundred percent sure what's going to happen when I leave this cabinet, but I've got to give it to you straight, ma. There are demons here. Lots of 'em. And aside from me and this here boomstick, there's not a lot standing in their way of kinky domination. But, let me explain in a little more detail what all has happened.

   It all started with the screaming. And the blood. And the chanting. But I fled down the corridor, Jimbo and Bubba right behind me, boomsticks at the ready. We were too late. The chanting and screaming had stopped. But the BLOOD! It was everywhere! Those bastardly demons had put little hamster Joe in the blender and taken to the air ducts when they heard us thundering down on them. Not that I can really blame them. If I put their pet... What do demons keep as pets exactly? Well, whatever. If I'd done it to them, I'd have beat feet from the scene, too. But Bubba, Jimbo, and I weren't to be deterred by a little thing like hide-and-seek. No sir. The monsters had taken hamster Joe, and for that they would pay.

   So, seein' as we had summat of a journey ahead of us we left under prepared, as the Space Marines generally do, and started back along the main strip. As soon as we heard the chanting start up again, and the screaming... We knew what had to be done. Packing heat, we burst into the room and blew the bastards back to whatever Hell they came from... Only to realize too late that we'd just nuked an office party. Well, there was our court martial. It still didn't explain the ghastly fate of hamster Joe, though. So we pressed on, deeper into the facility. It was about this time that I started noticing the redecorations that were taking place. I figured it was probably just some stragglers from the toasted office party until the significance of the bloody hamster pelts lining the hallways dawned on me.

I should never have signed on with the Space Marines...

   Who would do such a thing to innocent little furries like a hamster? Sewer rats I could see... Dirty... Nasty... But, ahem. Demons! It had to be demons! I wasn't yet sure, as we hadn't exactly encountered any mano-a-demano but... It made sense at the time. On we stormed from room to room looking with a growing sense of apprehension until we reached the barracks kitchen. And the chanting started! We were hot on the trail dashing across the room when a stray rolling pin zipped under my feet and I tumbled to the ground. Bubba and Jimbo, out for demon blood raced ahead. And then I heard them hooting and hollering like two monkeys in a crap tossing contest.

   When I finally got to the next room and saw the succubi prancing around in their skivies I was dumbstruck. Surely sex demonesses hadn't put hamster Joe to the chop? But, we were about to find out how wrong I was when these flying skulls with giant whirling tongues (I'd venture a guess as to their use in the company of a bunch of nymphomaniac demonesses, but you've got virgin ears, ma) came at us. I dropped everything and got out of there as fast as I could, but Bubba and Jimbo were caught unawares. It was over their screaming that I could hear the shrieking of the hamsters being brutally tortured...

   When I went back, hours later, after having hid inside a very large soup kettle, I found the squishy remains of not only the defenseless hamsters but also Bubba and Jimbo. I might have known that those two wouldn't be coming home when they told me during Basic that they quote, "Dreamed of Genie" whatever the crap that meant. Anyhow, it was 'bout this time that I started piecing together the whole 'dismembered and tortured hamster' theme taking place along with the chanting, and decided that the demons had been summoned by an evil corporation (hey! it happens in the movies!) to conquer the planet. Strangely, it still didn't add up that the summoned demons would be succubi - unless maybe for the office party... But, anyhow...

This here's all that's left of Bubba and Jimbo...

   The demons haven't found me since I returned to my soup kettle but I thought I should try and leave you a message about what's been going on and to tell you the sad news about hamster Joe not getting to come home to hamster Beline and her eight little babies. Hopefully I'll make it back to little Joe so I can find a way to bring him home with me for a proper burial (a sandwich baggie might work, actually...), but in the meantime I've gotta find a way offa this rock, ASAP. As much as I may want to meet up with those bikini-clad demons again, the thought of a skulls whirling tongue on my... Uh... You know... Just doesn't sound appealing...