Girlfriends
(Or Why Cloud is Such an Idiot)
By Bodger
thebadgers@uswest.net

All Final Fantasy and Legend of Mana characters property of Squaresoft. Ranma is property of Rumiko Takahashi, and Tenchi is the property of, well, whoever owns the rights.

"He's MINE, slut!"

"Bitch!"

"Whore!"

"Woman of the night!"

The eternal argument continued, much as it always had. Tifa was on one side, while Aeris was on the other, and Cloud was in the middle with a moronic expression on his face.

"You think you're SOOOO high and mighty, don't you? Just because you're a ****ing Ancient! Well you're NOT!"

"Well ANYBODY would be higher than some silliconed prostitute!!"

"OOOOOH! Come on, Cloud, SAY SOMETHING!"

Cloud thought for a moment, then merely replied, "I like flowers."

"There! See! He likes the flower girl, and that's me!"

"WHY YOU--"

The fighting continued. During the fight, a materia became dislodged from somebody's weapon and bounced along out the door.

"Ooooh, shiny object," said Cloud, following it outside.

The other members of AVALANCHE watched him go. "Poor guy just hasn't been the same ever since the Lifestream incident," said Red VIII, shaking his head.

"Yea, the poor foo'," Barret agreed.

Well outside the confines of Cloud's house on the Costa Del Sol, Cloud continued to follow the materia until it finally bounced to a stop a good distance away. Taking a quick glance around, he played with the materia like a hacky-sack before finally giving it one last kick into the air and snatching it deftly, whistling all the while. He put the materia back in his Ultima Weapon.

"Finally got out of there..." he muttered. He needed a drink.

He headed over to the Costa Del Sol bar. Edgar was there, as was Sephiroth. He sat down between the pair of them.

"Barkeep? Make it a Jack Daniels. A HARD one," he ordered. The barkeep nodded wordlessly and poured it out for him.

"Got problems?" asked Edgar, lifting an eyebrow.

"By the bucket loads," replied Cloud before downing the drink in one gulp. "You know how hard it is being the target of two girl's affections?"

Sephiroth looked at him. "Tifa and Aeris, right?"

"Bingo." Cloud sighed. "Much more of that and I'll be as batty as you are."

"Gee, thanks," said Sephiroth sarcastically.

"Why don't you just pick one of them?" asked Edgar.

"Oh, this from Mr. Ladies Man. Think about it -- if I pick one of them, I'll get killed by the one I snubbed. No thanks." He ordered another drink.

Sephiroth began, "Well you know, if it's really a problem I could just go kill one of them aga--"

"NO! No, that's fine, really, ah heh heh..." Cloud interrupted nervously.

Sephiroth shrugged. "It was just a suggestion."

"So what have you tried?" asked Edgar.

Cloud sighed again. "Not much. First I just tried reasoning with them, for all the fat lot of good that did. Then I decided to try to make myself totally undesirable by acting like a total idiot. Unfortunately, they just think of me as being a lovable lug now and fight more than ever. What's worse, now the whole team thinks I'm a total dope. I get the feeling if I ever displayed any signs of intelligence at this point, they'd all drop dead of shock." He downed the second drink as quickly as the first.

"That trick never works. You want to know the real reason I went nuts? Fangirls. All over the place. So I figured hey! Maybe if I just turned into a total homicidal maniac, they'd leave me alone! But noooo, I suddenly became 'misunderstood' and 'a victim!' Freaks." Sephiroth took a deep swallow from his beer.

Cloud whistled. "Wow, must've been tough."

"Feh, you guys don't know a good thing when you see it," scoffed the King of Figaro. "Now if I had girls fighting over me left and right, I'd be cherishing every moment of it! But you wanna know who gets the chicks? Locke "Treasure Hunter" Cole. It just figures." He scowled.

Sephiroth and Cloud looked at him sternly and chorused, "It's not worth it."

The sound of the door opening came from behind them, and in walked Squall Leonheart and Gilbert from Legend of Mana. Squall sat at the counter while Gilbert, whose horse's body was not well adapted towards barstools, merely stood where there was a gap.

The barkeeper looked at Squall. "I don't serve alcohol to minors."

Squall shrugged. "Whatever." He ordered a club soda instead.

Cloud glanced over at him. "Lucky guy. He's only got one girl chasing him," he commented wistfully.

Sephiroth shook his head. "Actually, he's got two -- Quistis and Rinoa."

Cloud raised his eyebrows. "I thought Quistis gave up."

"Not according to the relationshippers," replied Sephiroth. Somewhere in the distance a small part of the fourth wall could be heard cracking.

Gilbert, whose ears seemed to be specially trained towards picking up any sort of speak relating to romance, trotted over to them. "Ah, you are having trouble with the ladies? Never fear, for the poet of loooooove has arrived to ease your hearts!" he exclaimed in his usual manner.

Edgar glared at him. "Yeah, I remember your little remedies quite well. A good percentage of the women at Figaro castle have filed restraining orders against you ya know," he said, sounding annoyed.

"Ah, but those women have no knowledge of what true passion is like! And no wonder, when they have to live with a heartbreaker such as you," the self-proclaimed 'greatest lover' shot back.

"You should talk, Mr. Wanderer! And how many 'true loves' have you managed to accumulate?" Edgar growled, standing up.

"Abuser of hearts!"

"Jackass!"

"Hopeless flirt!"

"Spoony bard!"

The argument (if it could be called as such) would have continued on in this vain were it not for the intervention of Cloud. "Whoa whoa whoa! I get enough of this at home without having it happen at the bar too! Chill out!" he exclaimed.

The two loverboys glared at each other a little longer before Edgar finally sat back down. Gilbert turned to Cloud. "Anyway, as I was about to say before this uncultured boor so rudely interrupted me, perhaps I can help you in your uncomfortable predicament," he offered.

"Not unless you know how to make at least one of my girlfriends not be in love with anymore," he replied morosely.

"Ahh, but see, it is not the lack of love which is the answer, but rather the presence! All you need do is tell BOTH of them you love them! For you could not possibly harm one by telling the other you have no feelings for her!" Gilbert explained with a flourish.

Edgar snorted. "Oh, yeah. THAT'LL work."

Gilbert whirled towards Edgar angrily. "Why not?! I'm sure you tell your courtesans the same thing all the time! It must be nice to be a king, for I do not see how they'd be attracted to you otherwise!"

"WHY YOU --"

The two were interrupted again by a loud noise, which caused everybody in the bar to jump. The bartender had snatched Sephiroth's masamune and whacked the flat of the blade hard against the counter. "Listen, you two, if you're gonna duke it out, do it outside! I don't want to have to clean up after you two!" he shouted authoritatively.

"Ah! Perfect! A dual of honor! Let's get it on, baby!" said Gilbert proudly.

"You want a fight? All right, come on!" said Edgar, and the two of them exited the bar.

As the sounds of fighting began to drift into the bar, Cloud shook his head and paid the bartender twenty gil for the drinks. "Well, as much as I'd like to get hammered right now, coming home drunk would REALLY arouse the suspicions of my crew, so..." Cloud shrugged.

Sephiroth waved him off. "Good luck to ya."

"Thanks." As Cloud turned to go, however, he was stopped by a hand on his shoulder. He was surprised to see Squall, who handed him a small card.

"Huh?"

"Support group. I'm a member of Save Our Sanity, a group of guys who have the exact same problem you do," Squall explained.

Cloud looked at the card. "SOS, eh?"

Squall nodded. "There's a meeting Thursday. We get a few anime folk in as well. You know Tenchi Masaki and Ranma Saotome?"

"I've HEARD of them..."

Squall nodded. "Don't worry. We all have girlfriend problems. You just have to know how to deal with it." He uncharacteristically winked and sat back at the bar.

"Hmmm..." Cloud pondered this as he left. Outside, Gilbert was busily trying to whack Edgar over the head with his lute while Edgar waved his pike at him menacingly. Cloud didn't notice.

"Couldn't hurt," he decided at last. "After all, it'd be nice to talk to guys who know what I'm talking about."

Arriving at the house again, he could quite distinctly hear Tifa and Aeris still fighting. He sighed.

'Well, here I go again,' he thought and, clearing his mind, he entered the house.

Tifa and Aeris stopped abruptly and grinned cutely at Cloud. "Hi, Cloud," they chorused, then glared angrily at each other.

Cloud just smiled dimly and said, "I had Jello today."

END

Author's Note:

I don't understand the whole "Cloud is Dumb" thing and I never will. He was never really a total idiot in the game, but somehow he's been portrayed as such in most comedic fanfiction. I just wanted to try and write a humor fanfic which gives the poor guy a chance for once. Too bad I failed miserably at it. (Gah...)

But hey! Maybe this is the first fic with a Legend of Mana character in it! Or... not. Oh well.

Now a bit of information: While this ISN'T the first fanfic I've ever written, it IS probably the first properly video game related one. Now if you're gonna bash me, go ahead, but don't expect me to listen unless it's justified.

Send all flames to: bodger@homestead.com. Or thebadgers@uswest.net. Whichever.

And visit my web site at http://bodger.homestead.com/files/MiSTingwebsite.html! Or... not.