Josh - 3:10 EST

Starting to work on this column a day before it goes up so I have plenty of time to go cheer my team on at Beaver Stadium.

So, let me relate to you a story that just reinforces the fact that people are, in fact, -not- shining beacons of wonder and intelligence, but that unfortunately, most are found to be resembling something that merely constitute the same features of a rock - rocks.

Anyway...so I was at work at the restaurant, and it was nearing closing time. A group of eight had phoned ahead so that their food would be ready by the time they got there. They showed up much later than they said, so after reheating their food, I brought it out to them. I then waded through the sea of infants they had brought along with them, counting down the seconds until my freedom from a rather consumer-hell.

The door to the restaurant is rather difficult to open, since its position on the building invites the wind to push upon it, and the door is pretty heavy by itself, as well. You need to actually use some force to open the damn thing, is what I'm getting at here. So, as the group finally leaves, they fail to exert the necessary effort needed to open the door (read: more than the zero they were applying), and complained that I had locked them in. Now, while I normally spend hours at home performing the necessary training to increase my ability to annoy people telepathically, I explained to them that it wasn't my fault, and they just had to push hard.

Apparently, during their complaining, they had actually managed to -lock- the door. By the time I got there, it was not only locked, but jammed. So, while I fiddle with the bolt for a good ten to fifteen minutes, I dealt with a barrage of annoyance from them, after they realized that they were, in fact, completely retarded.

I finally got the portal open, and I held it open for them, while pointing my finger outside. I glared at them, and said in a not-so-calm manner, "GET OUT!" The group of people behind them started laughing their heads off at this point.

So...please...convince me that there is some hope, or at least cheer me up. Now do you see why I'm so cynical? ^^

I added a section before THONG so I can rant more. Huzzah!

Josh,

Well. I was dead set against shelling out the bucks for a PS3, then seeing the videos you linked for White Knight Story and Afrika shook my resolve a little. You were right about the awesomeness of White Knight Story; if the actual game is as half as interesting as the the video, that should be an impressive game! As for Afrika, my wife noticed the video, and immediately was immediately hooked with interest. She spent the majority of her childhood living in Kenya and South Africa , and loves anything that reminds her of the "bush." If I do end up with a PS3, that game will probably be a must, regardless of what it is. Between these and MGS4, I may have to beat down fiscally-conservative Sundoulos and get a PS3, though I'm sure that I won't do it until the next console generation is well-established and the prices start dropping.

I'm really having trouble deciding which version of Twilight Princess I want to get. I've been playing the Zelda series since the original on the NES. As much as I like the novelty of controlling Link with the Wii's controller, I can't help but think I'll want to gravitate to the old control scheme. Plus, I won't have to deal with my wife laughing at me while I wildly swing the Wii controller around. Either way, like a true geek, I will probably buy the other version after the price has dropped.

Either way, I'm definitely planning on getting a Wii. As a guy who works in software devleopment (i.e. code monkey), I understand the outstanding potential the Wii system will have for games; however, I have to admit that I'm leary of the fact that future installments of my favorite franchises may no longer be played with a traditional controller. As much as I love Nintendo's innovation, I think sometimes they can be a little stubborn about implementing their ideas, even if it makes it inconvenient for the end user. Case in point: the forced use of the GBA connectivity with the 'Cube in games such as FF: Crystal Chronicles. Hindsight is 20/20, I guess. Here's a current example: I like playing Star Fox Command, but I would still rather use the crosspad than be forced to use the stylus. A lot of people like the game, but I have still seem many remarks about the control scheme. Seeing trends like this continuing with the implementation of games like Phantom Hourglass bothers me. I'm getting too old, I guess…

Enough of my rambling. I really enjoy the column! Keep up the good work!
Sundoulos

Thong, the fish is ready!

Trust me to have more RPG ideas lurking in the back of my head, just waiting for an excuse to see the light of day. So let's go!

I'd like to see an RPG incorporate the dual statuses of wounding and death, just once. Wounding would serve pretty much as it does in Final Fantasy et al, in which a character is incapacitated until revived. Death, however... that would be the equivalent of what happens in Fire Emblem. As in, no resurrections, no second chances. To make it a little less controller-smashing in effect, I'd have death be administered only when a character is vulnerable by being wounded. This would still prompt some great anger though - heh.

I have a story idea also. It's somewhat prompted by events in the world at large in recent years, though taken to an extreme we will (hopefully) never see. First off, 25-30 years prior to the game's taking place a horrible war took place. Enemies were undeclared and attacked while hidden amongst the population at large, causing enormous destruction, death, and fear. To combat this, a man rose to power who curtailed all the freedoms of the country. He succeeded in stamping out the enemy, however. The people were by and large quite grateful to be freed of the high probability of death in the near future, and this man rode a great wave of popular acclaim. After this prologue, the protagonist's story begins. Let's have the protagonist be female, since that's done so seldom. She, along with some like-minded younger people, are chafing at the restrictions placed upon them by the regime. This puts her at odds with 95% of older people who remember what too much freedom supposedly got them, and a good percentage of younger people who don't agree. Her outspoken nature forces a flight to another country, because of the regime's immense power. Aid is obtained from the neighboring land, and she returns with the goal of liberating her people. Many of the people are quite unhappy at this prospect, and fight her - imagine towns in which the people refuse to grant you anything without being defeated in battle, or sometimes killed. She will also have to fight her parents, high officers in the government, over their irreconcilable differences. This will probably result in her having to kill her own parents. I have in mind a strategy title, since this will doubtless involve some grand battles - but it could be worked into a more traditional RPG format also. How it denoues is something I haven't quite decided upon... suggestions?

Okay. Now I'm going to relate an experience I recently had with Langrisser 2. It was undoubtedly one of the ... queerest things I've ever seen. Understand I do not use this word lightly, and only settled upon it because the scenario in question left no possible doubt as to what was occurring (not QUITE hardcore stuff, fortunately).

First, a bit of background. The company that developed Langrisser is named Masaya. This company also made a few games under the title Choaniki in Japan. Choaniki (Great Brother, close enough) is a shooter series in which three male protagonists piloting very phallic objects make their way through a gamut of incredibly phallic enemies. Maybe you, Master Ouro, can dig up some screenshots for the reader who misguidedly wants more information. Or not.

A secret scenario in Langrisser 2 pits Elwin (the protagonist) and his team against the trio from Choaniki, along with their six male friends. The troops of all these guys are standard enough, it is the leaders who are... different. Their portrait looks like Major Alex Louis Armstrong from Full Metal Alchemist, sans mustache and with hearts circling their heads. In combat, they look like oiled mail bodybuilders wearing speedos, and their attack is to do a muscle flex that causes an explosion. I couldn't understand most of what they talked about, but 'posing' was a frequent word. 'Posing knockout' showed up a few times also. Hearts appeared in their dialogue also.

I would respond the same way to a scenario pitting me against... what is the inverse female scenario? Amazons in bikinis using Mother Earth summons against me? I honestly don't know. But such a situation just weirded me out.

Random thought - how long will the batteries in cartridge-based games last? I saw a GamePro answer about 11 years ago that said three years, and they were waaaay off. But losing all the data I have on my cartridges would anger me greatly!

This just seems such terrible voice acting I had to share it: http://www.audioatrocities.com/games/castleshikigami2/clip21.mp3 Castle Shikigami 2 is not even close to an RPG, but if more RPG voice acting moments of shame are needed I can come up with them.

I've occasionally thought about getting a Harvest Moon game, but never took the plunge. Anybody going to give me the go-ahead?

This is where the fish lives.
JuMeSyn

Dear [insert name of columnist for the day], I see that mainly men do the character designs in RPGS and I am wondering why aren't there more women doing things like "costume" design, even if it's in the field of video games? I think a woman designer wouldn't have given Penelo such an...'interesting' pantline in "Revenant Wings" because any woman knows it would be very uncomfortable to wear something like that! --Lithioum Flower--

Well, I'm picking up Alundra at your recommendation and the recommendations of others. Of course, if I hate it, I'll hold you solely responsible. It only seems fair. Do you see the awesome power you possess? Nay, not the power to encourage frivolous spenders and impulse buyers to purchase even more crap they can't use. You have the power to shift the game market! You must use this power for good, for with great power comes great responsibility. Though were I in your position, I would take every opportunity to recommend the worst games I've ever had the misfortune of playing. Your call though.

I have no idea why I've been buying so many games lately when I have no time to play what I already have. I'll wade my way through the pile at some point, I suppose. Or burn it. Whichever seems like more fun at the time.

What RPG have you completed in the least amount of time? I beat Arc the Lad in a few hours, not because I'm fast, just because it's ridiculously short. The game has a really distorted sense of time. After a battle or two, the characters rant on about how they've been through so much together and their "heroic" exploits consisting of beating a handful of enemies will surely go down in history.

I've heard about cheap ways of beating Morrowind in a few hours and Fallout 2 in a few minutes. I don't really get some people's obsession with beating games as fast as possible. Seems like it would kinda take the fun out of it, but what do I know? Don't answer that.

Vicissitude

Luca Blight launches meteors onto the board!!
Sundoulos, Roku, Reivax, and Alan Tse fall off the board!
Slimey, Draconn, and Arpijy fall to Tile 14!

Slimey, Arpijy, Aylee, and Leaper fall 2 spaces!

Bainick moves to Tile 9.
Leaper moves to Tile 17.
BLG moves to Tile 7.
Arros Raikou moves to Tile 6.
Bucket moves to Tile 14.
Draconn moves to Tile 16.
Alan Tse moves to Tile 2.
Slashlen moves to Tile 22.
JuMeSyn moves to Tile 7.
William.T moves to Tile 20.
Arpijy moves to Tile 15.
Vicissitude moves to Tile 13.
JDX moves to Tile 13.
Aurelius moves to Tile 20.
Omm moves to Tile 8.
Tabor moves to Tile 21.
Sundoulos moves to Tile 4.

Hahahahaha! ATTACK!

Answer to #L11: A. NAIL RAN COG GO.
Racing Lagoon. Some strange hybrid racing-RPG that Square created way back when. If you're curious, the other answers were Chrono Cross, Einhander, Guardian's Crusade, Parasite Eve, and Granstream Saga.

Answer to #L12: D. 6860.
Statistics time. 20 combinations of 3 characters (6 choose 3) x 7 classes for character 1 x 7 classes for character 2 x 7 classes for character 3 = 20 x 343 = 6860.

#L13. A very, very old Squaresoft RPG that never made it here shares some parallels with American Literature. What (relatively) recent major TV show has a prominent character that shares the game's main character's last name?

A. House, M.D.
B. 24
C. Lost
D. Grey's Anatomy
E. The 4400
F. The Sopranos

Ah, I love you guys. ^^

So, I'm in the Phantasy Star Universe Closed Beta, and it's pretty neat so far.

As for stuff to talk about...A while back, I wrote an editorial about how I'm essentially a closet gamer. What are your thoughts, and how do you go about mixing your social lives and gaming? Are you entirely open about it, or is it something that you reserve for specific friends, or even to yourself? Sound off! And, see you tomorrow. ^^

***Josh answered these questions late.