Lusipurr - 17:30 GMT

Here I am once again, paying service to you muppets. Thanksgiving is tomorrow, supposedly a time of rest from work, and yet my columns will embrace it like a pair of elderly aunts, trotted out once a year, both a little tipsy on dessert wine.

Your usual host, the affable Sean Kepper, was recently discovered to be nothing more than a cleverly disguised alien robot from the planet Louis Farrakhan V. The final proof came when I immolated him with a flamethrower. His exoskeleton melted like a wax candle, leaving behind a clicking, dysfunctional, robotic core. Thankfully, it could not function without its human exterior. I currently use the remains as a blender for my mixed drinks.

Let us set aside pleasant thoughts and confront the sad truth: the entire world is shutting down. Our Fearless Leader has pardoned the turkey, sounding the all clear for the commoners to flee from their jobs, paralysing the industrial sector and leaving me without a place from which to purchase vintage port. I am in a frightful mood. Cross me today, and you won't just get burned. You will be baked to a golden brown, served amongst a spread of the finest Thanksgiving provender, and washed down by a drink mixed using the remains of your former host.

I will now address your tiresome and annoying questions.

Before getting started, I have to say that I think debating the question of what constitues an RPG is one of the most bootless uses of time any fool could possibly embark upon. Yet, my job description could be said to be, more or less, "go and suffer fools gladly", so let's have a try at it.

Wikipedia's sage descriptions don't convince me. Written by one gamer or another, they merely reflect the opinions of an author who may or may not be representative of the average population. A dictionary seems a better choice (by appeal to an authority likely without a vested interest), but most dictionaries (even the thoroughly respectable and excellent Oxford English Dictionary) are woefully inadequate for defining video game terminology. This leaves us a predicament. Any definition suitable to our ends must needs be written by someone with knowledge of the ouvre, and therefore such definition is likely to reflect the bias of the individual author.

Are we, then, without hope? Is the search for a definition impossible? Perhaps. If the definition must please everyone, it is impossible to attain. By their very nature, definitions are exclusive--they exclude things from their categorisation. A definition of a cat excludes rocks, for example. Everyone has their idea of what should be considered an RPG and what should not. Though we might be able to reach a majority consensus about what games are RPGs (Final Fantasy IV springs to mind), there will still be much argument about what games we feel do not belong in that category (The Legend of Zelda is easily one of the most controversial).

If we take the meaning of RPG to be no more than that expressed by the literal meaning of its component words: Role-Playing Game, then it can be extended almost indefinitely to any game in which the player performs a role different from their real-life persona. Halo fits the bill, but so too does Super Mario Bros., Gradius, and unbelievably, Meteos. Any narrower view will have to start by codifying what an RPG requires and thus will necessarily exclude any game failing to meet those requirements. In fact, it may even include games not typically held to be RPGs.

We also have to be careful with our definitions. Let us say that RPGs must have, as one characteristic, a hit point count for the player's character(s). Is Castlevania an RPG? Is The Legend of Zelda? Is Unreal Tournament? Are meters expressions of hit points? What about health percentages? What about fighting games? F-Zero has a 'health meter' too. Is it an RPG?

What I am trying to show is that the quest to somehow define RPGs cannot be described as aught but vainglorious. Trying to somehow come to a consensus about any of the various definitions within the definition is enough of a task to occupy any group of gamers forever. Better to simply examine each game on its merits and see if the majority of people think it is an RPG. This will result in a slightly more inclusive definition than some might like, and a somewhat less inclusive definition than others would like, but it seems to me to be the best way forward, and the way likely to satisfy the largest amount of people.

Your questions were excellent. I commend you. Next!

You're absolutely right, I don't care. Someone out there apparently does, so I'm happy to print your answer anyway. That's just one less question for me to deal with.

Honestly, your response did surprise me. I had always assumed that Final Fantasy X was translated by monkeys and voiced by a high-school drama troupe. It's interesting to note that professional people were behind it.

Lusipurr's Quiz of the Day: Do I like or dislike Final Fantasy X? Go on, have a guess.

They are looking for approval, you say. What on earth are you doing but just that? How is going on and on about your use of drugs in any way related to the point you are trying (and failing) to make?

Even more ridiculous is your implied reasoning that drugs are okay, but Grand Theft Auto is right out. I don't think GTA is great for the kiddies either, but I think drugs are worse for them by many orders of magnitude. Happily, I don't have to look for proof, because you are right here. Any case I could make would pale in comparison to the unbelievable nonsense you are postulating.

Are you going to play either of the new jobs coming out in FFXI?
-CeKa

Lusipurr
I'm not too sure about Dancer, but I will definitely be levelling Scholar.

Are the Hamtaro games any good?
-Thea

Lusipurr
No. No they are not.