More Final Fantasy VII means more Barret. I wonder who will do his voice acting? I think it would be cool if they got Dave Chappelle to do it - or maybe Ludakris. Man, that kid is so cool.

Imagine Tifa, her ample proportions and all, in a nice computer animated feature for all of us to enjoy. No more nights craving blocky polygons. I think this new Final Fantasy VII will do well.

Kris

ANDREW Yes, More FFVII means more Barrett, but so too does more testicles mean more iron, which I'm pretty sure is of scant comfort to those forced to choke them down. More to the point, your foolish selections for voice acting totally overlook the fact that Barrett was designed with one voice actor and only one voice actor in mind. I am referring, of course, to Richard Simmons, who is uniquely suited to provide the voice of a large, angry African-Corelian (and maybe help us all lose a few pounds while he's at it!) Oh wait... That was a stupid suggestion, just like any suggestion that isn't Mr. T. I pity da foo that disrespects da T, and of course wish you the best of luck in your nocturnal adventures with Tifa's new and exquisitely rendered bosom.

Yeah, I'm excited by the new Kingdom Hearts game, even though we all saw it coming. I won't ruin the ending of the first one for you (or anyone else), but it REALLY needed a bit more closure.

As far as FFVII, I personally would have preferred an interactive game vs. a movie that may or may not resemble the feh-rated "Spirits Within". Obviously, we'll have to wait and see. FFVII, too, deserved a sequel or at least more of an explanation than was given after Sephiroth was chopped into confetti...

And I mean it... the first time I beat him, I already had beaten all the subquests and Master Materia... only to find the boss was as strong as pudding. And not the good pudding.

Personally, I don't have high expectations for the GBA Kingdom Hearts. I'm sure Squarenix (damn the hyphen) is concentrating more on the PS2 version, and that's what we're looking for, anyhow. Again, we'll have to wait until more screens are unveiled.

NeoCarbuncle

"Those who know nothing can understand nothing"

ANDREW Yeah, I too diced Sephy into finely sliced strips on my first attempt, which doesn't quite explain my subsequent and miserable failure to repeat the task. I also loved FFVII's ending, and am perfectly content to have no closure other than what was offered by the game. Why? Because the story is, quite simply, a work of art, and a work of art such as FFVII was should rely more on subtlety than blunt-edged hammery to drive home its story. If you disagree, just look at Final Fantasy X - I mean, I really did enjoy that game's story, but Tidus's voice actor ensured that never would there be anything remotely approaching dramatic tension or even drama as a result of his terrible effort. Then again, my abiding hatred of all things voice-acting has been well-publicized herein, so I guess I'm biased. What I do know is that you shouldn't necessarily sell S-E short on the GBA KH because as far as support for Nintendo's little money pit goes, the company has provided some of the best third-party offerings out there. Obviously, past performance does not equal future success, but I'd like to think that the principals involved will ensure that the GBA version is at the very least playable. Or maybe that's just me being all bright-eyed and optimistic.

Beth's Haiku is fantaisimo! I had to send that one to my mom (major cat family).

Advent Children... Something is better than nothing, and I am more tollerant, it seams, than many people when it comes to FFtSW. I think I like the idea that Square (+Enix) Pictures is getting back up to fight after that bloody nose, cracked knee-caps, shattered pelvis... Would I have preferred a game sequel? Dunno. Remember that the last 10-15 minutes of the game was FMV epilogue, plus the credits and the Red XIII teaser. Seems to me that the movie could be just an extended epilogue.

What I want to know is what gamers think should be the storyline and mechanics of an FF VII sequel?

I'm glad to hear of Chain of Memories, as it will further justify the purchase of a GameBoy Player for my 'Cube!

"Okay, I love you; 'Bye-'bye!"

-Wesley

ANDREW Yeah, I think the extended epilogue scenario is one of the more likely possibilities. I just don't see much potential for a plot otherwise - I mean, I suppose we could watch everyone grow twisted and old as Red XIII diligently watches over them and eats their corpses one by one, but somehow that doesn't strike me as a terribly entertaining movie, to say nothing of the evils of corpse eating (which is Goog's department besides, what with his fatal zombie attraction.) Anyhow, since the sequel will in fact be inflicted upon us, I think they would do well to fill in the gaps of the ending we've already seen, while maybe elucidating little things like what exactly happened to everyone, since there's so many people who are just dying to find out. Mechanics-wise, I think the game provides a pretty good template - dash about, fight things from time to time and maybe ride a chocobo or airship along the way just to show off some glamorous visual effects, like how many polygons you can fit into one breast which is travelling at 60 mph from Chicago on a freight train bound for Junon which may plunge into a rocky gorge lined with snakes at a speed of 100 mph. Given the mass of said breast is at least a pound or two and the fact that it is attached to a person who is applying a death grip to a flaming airship, what force will a given snake's jaws apply when it begins the marathon digestive process involved in consuming such a breast? b)What if said breast is composed entirely of kittens?

(after looking at the ad for FF7AC)

Ick, ick, ick, ick, ick.
This will never, ever work.
All designs are bad.

I'd prefer if AC were an animated OVA instead of a CG movie. I mean, you can do digital cel animation--case in point, see how wonderful Fruits Basket and Chobits are. The only thing that will redeem it for me is if:

1. The dub is done by actual voice actors, NOT Hollywood talent. (Were you turned off as I was when you heard Billy Bob Thornton voice the Buddhist monk in Princess Mononoke?)

2. The sub is done by actual voice actors, NOT Japanese a-list movie talent. I mean, we need to get Megumi Hayashibara to do SOME main role here. Other people I could suggest would be Takehito Koyasu (Touga in Utena,) Tomokazu Seki (Kyou in Fruits Basket,) Megumi Ogata (Shinji in Evangelion,) Kotono Mitsuishi (Excel in Excel Saga,) Kikuko Inoue (Belldandy in Ah My Goddess,) Juurota Kosugi (Zagato in Rayearth) and the list goes on and on.

Did I mention that I'm probably the only person on earth that HASN'T played FF7 yet?

Bucket Mouse

ANDREW No, but your knowledgable listing of voice actors has given me a convenient tool for my plans to eliminate voice acting by embarking upon a crusade which will stop only when I strand thousands upon thousands of innocent orphens in slave ships off the coast of Italy, or at least get to jam red hot iron under the fingernails of the guy responsible for Tidus. Finally, I think good Hollywood talent can make for good cartoons (and no, I don't qualify Billy Bob Thornton as "good Hollywood talent", however multifarious his marketability becomes) but inevitably, it's usually nicer watching such things with good old-fashioned subtitles. I can't tell good Japanese voice acting from bad, so the dialogue is much more forgiveable that way - in fact, had FFtSW been similarly subtitled, I may even not have hated it quite so much (although that seems doubtful, since it was an insubstantial piece of trash that eminently deserved its fate even without the often-atrocious voice acting to help it into its watery grave.)

Thanks in advance, Andrew!

Regards
________________
Hennie Basson, BA, IBM CAAD
Senior Lotus Notes Developer

ANDREW Well, seeing as how there's any number of picky little rules involved with D&D, I'm not sure a crash course is actually possible. Still, if you were just looking for a compendium, you can't have been looking terribly hard, since I found this little number within a minute or so. Sorry, I would've been less blunt there, but I was actually excited when you offered me a fan as opposed to, you know, a fan. The ceiling fan in my room has been busted for a year thanks to my overzealous friend who attempted to wake me up by slamming on the light switch in my room, which succeeded in waking me up all right, but had the unforeseen side effect of obliterating the circuitry responsible for my continued presence on the world fan superpower stage. Now I must sweat in ignominy, and your cruel taunts only add to my torment. Ah, well. That's what I get for not donating to charity.

I'm in the bad poetics mood today so....

1. Warcraft Upon You
Stealing away your precious time
Have you played any else?

The Game of Generals
To Command and to Conquer
Have you played the game yet?

After my classes
Generals steals all my time
My grades are falling

ANDREW Ugh. Dude, C&C hasn't been good since Red Alert, possibly because Westwood has yet to figure out that "innovation" does not consist of palette shifting units and resources and hiring newer and more sensational voice actors. Yeah, that stuff was impressive - in 1995. Oh, well. I guess Generals isn't all that bad, but I didn't see that part of your poetry until this diatribe was complete, so my bellyaching stands.

2. The Advent's Children
Yet another game movie
Are you off to watch? All the game movies
The epitomes of crap
But still gonna watch

ANDREW Well, I'll probably end up at least renting it, but the longstanding tradition of games making for royally lousy movies probably won't be ending here, I'd wager. Then again, this one time I wagered that my cat could defeat a squirrel in single combat and he's still limping around without a chunk of flesh a month later, which was either the squirrel's fault or my way of exacting revenge for losing that factory I bet. Cursed unreliable cat...

3. The Haikus we use
Just like most RPG's
They come from Japan!

But I suck at this
As it is seen by this letter
Shame come upon me!

-- MeoTwister5
Gabe "Not-so Cunning Linguist" Ang

ANDREW Yes. You, my friend, have lost face. Now you must die to save your honour! Ha ha! HA HA! ha ha ha ha! Ha!

Sorry to hear about the wisdom teeth; but I have to get mine out too, plus a SUPER SECRET SPECIAL SURPRISE from my dentist: I have an EXTRA tooth. That's right, I have one more tooth than I should, trying to grow in next to one of my canines. So that needs to come out, as well, which I'm sure will involve giant holes being drilled into my gums. WHEEE!

Anyhoo, I've been playing Freelancer for the PC, and it is easily the best space-combat sim/RPG I've ever seen. Diamonds sure are worth a lot on planet New Tokyo. I miss the days of the NES, though; Star Voyager was better, plus you had to use BOTH controllers if you wanted to fire torpedoes. Speaking of the NES, have you heard of the Minibosses? Their website is www.minibosses.com, they do exclusively covers of NES songs, and their version of the Castlevania theme is the reason Rock & Roll was invented. Aaaahhh.... Goodness.

I've noticed that most RPGs are set either in the distant past, the distant future, or in some crazy alternate universe. Where are all the games set in today's world? The only ones I can think of are Secret of Evermore and Earthbound, both of which I hate. Oh yeah, that's why they don't make more... The real world is boring.

Ok, so between my roommate and I, we have a Gamecube, PS2, Xbox, Dreamcast, N64, and NES. Out of the upcoming RPGs for the first three, which would you reccomend? Is Panzer Dragoon Orta worth buying just for the Saturn version that's unlockable? How should I waste my money this month?

-Chris, the guy in the big red jumpsuit

"If they are our brothers, then why can't we eat them?"

ANDREW I have indeed heard of the Minibosses, although I must confess that curiosity has not yet compelled me to kill my cats yet. There's a real-life RPG for you - take on the role of the lead guitarist for the Minibosses as he sleuths his way through the foggy streets of London in search of the elusive cat murderer. Sure, you'd have to put up with a whole bunch of bad Austin Powersalike NPCs, but then again, I've always thought NPCs were kind of funny in the head, so it's not as though you're asking Elton John to make decent music or anything. As for where you should sink your money, I will recommend the following for each of the systems you crave answers for. For the Gamecube, get a Game Boy Player and FFTA, because there really isn't much on the RPG front until FF: CC and Tales of Symphonia wander along, which won't be for a good while yet. The PS2 features a wide array of RPGs, some of which even don't suck ultimately. While Disgaea is last month's news, I'd grab that if I were you, and if you're in the mood to subject yourself to other old games, Breath of Fire V makes the PS2 worth having. Yeah, it's just that good. The Xbox, sadly, is another matter entirely. Not only can I not think of a title offhand, nothing on the upcoming slate is remotely appealing where RPGs are concerned. Still, if you're dead-set on buying something for it, pick up Gladius - Lucasarts usually doesn't disappoint, unlike its bastard brother Lucasfilm, which is a prime candidate for catastrophic concentrated comet attack.

I have played Warcraft III online, but my ass gets kicked so hard each time it almost seems not to be worth it.

As for Disgaea, it's really great. FFT was a bit too hard for me and the interface was a bit clunky, but Disgaea is much faster-paced and insane. A friend described it as "FuriKuri Tactics" (after the 6-part OVA FLCL), which is pretty accurate given the game's insane tone.

Anyway, I enjoy the Q&A column and good luck in your Warcraft III and RPG playing!

-- Deshrill

ANDREW Thanks for the kind words, and I will agree on the single-player front - WC3's story is passable, but kind of predictable and not terribly challenging to play through if you've spent more than an hour online. Speaking of challenge, FFT really isn't hard, so you should probably do yourself a favour and avoid all other T-RPGs (except, apparently, Disgaea ^^)

Here's the thing -- they're having a costume contest. Now, since I have a concert this year and can't dress up for Halloween, this sounds like a good opportunity to bust out my mad costuming skills. I figured I'd ask for suggestions. Do you (or anyone) have any? I have a few requirements:

1. It's cold down here. As such, this costume should cover at least PART of my body (no BlackRose). I briefly considered being one of the Ice Climbers, but no one would know who I was.

2. I have to be able to bring this costume to college (I have a locker to store parts in, so that's not a problem.) Also, I have to change into this costume fairly quickly before class, and fairly quickly to get to a class. Ergo, it can't be too complicated. (No Edea with the big ... thing behind my head.)

3. An addition to two: I'd rather it not be too intrusive. I want to be able to walk around without hitting people.

4. I'd like to request that it not be too hard to make. (I considered Shion, but I'm not sure how to replicate the stripes on her coat ... not to mention that she's not wearing pants, but hey.)

5. I'm a girl. While I don't mind crossplaying, I'd prefer to dress as a girl. (I was Zidane for Halloween one year ... but just because I had like a week to make a costume, and jeans weren't that big an issue.)

I have access to various colored wigs, if that's an issue. In fact, I'd love to have an excuse to buy a weird colored wig from the Halloween store! Thanks, and if anyone has any suggestions, I'd love to hear them!

-Bean

"We should all be proud to be bass players." -- Matt Freeman

ANDREW Well, you've ruled out a million possibilities, but most staple FF girls are still in the picture. Yes, if you don't mind lugging a staff or boomerang or guns around, you could be anyone from Rosa to Celes to Terra to Tifa to Aeris to Rinoa to Selphie (shudder) to Quistis to - well, we'll just skip FFIX, unless you happen to have an orange ass bursting with polygonal goodness lying around - to Rikku. On the downside, most of these are terribly boring, so for true distinction, you should maybe aim for something more distinctive (although recognizable) like a character from Suikoden or Chrono Cross. Well, sorry that wasn't terribly helpful, but you didn't give me too much to work with ^^

A tilde!!! Thanks, I'm feeling pretty darn special now! In appreciation here's another cat haiku

Taut, wriggling, alert
The cat stalks a laser point
Hunting illusion

ANDREW Ah, you have brought a goofy smile to my puffy face. Cursed randomly swelling eye and wisdom teeth... Anyway, I heart this poem because my own cat does exactly the same thing, and the best part is, she never grows tired of it. Of course, she's as dumb as a brick of lead, but I doubt that enters into the equation, since cats love chasing stuff and all.

...I'd prefer a FFVII-2 game to a movie. It'd be nice to have ten or fifteen hours of story instead of just an hour, hour and a half, even if I also had to deal with 40-50 hours of random battles, and chunks of the story ended up being in the "second tier" style of graphics rather than the cool shiny one.

But I'm glad that Square (Enix) has continued to make movies even after the less than spectacular success of FF:TSW. Film must be something that at least a few someones in the company really want to do, and the more practice they get at it, the better they'll be. It'd be too cool if they made a movie that was as involving and thought-provoking as (some of) their games. Even if they don't "get there" right away I look forward to seeing their progress.

(I've read that their contribution to Animatrix was pretty good, but haven't seen it yet. Have you? If so, what do you think? Is it a promising sign of what's to come?)

My guess about the super surprise is a redesign of the Q&A page, or your section of it. Andrew D. was working on something along those lines before he left for Japan, so maybe he's the "someone" you were talking about?

Beth.

ANDREW For your superior guessing talentry, I hereby award you another tilde: ~ That makes two for those of you keeping score at home - and remember, your tilde are redeemable for extra mail-order scorpions, so be sure to hang onto them!

How's it goin? Anything interesting happen over the weekend (which I will no doubt read at the top of the very page that I will be reading the next day...)?? Well, when I was biting into a cookie at lunchon Friday, I looked down into it, and the chocolate chips made a very clear image of..........Lucifer! (what did ya expect, some saint?) And I must say, the cookie was devilishly delicious. And the strangest thing happened when I woke up the next morning. My walls, bed, myself were covered in a red liquid, but when I walked into the kitchen (this is where the strangest thing came) there were no more waffles left in the freezer!! I even embedded a blood-covered steak knife into the countertop because I was so upset. My delight came when my ma trotted through the door, narrowly jumping over a dead body, only to pull out a new box of waffles. I must say, I was very happy that saturday. Oh yes, I've had the greatest thing on my mind this day of yore. I captured a Malboro (Morbol) in FFT a while ago and named it.....a very GREAT name deserving of such a great Malboro.............Marbie!!! Isn't that just genius!! I love my Marbie! And no...I'm not into......tentacles or anything.... I just find Malboros a very great species. What other killer plant monsters with "bad breath" would you find cute? Who can resist a plant monster that looks like it's similing?? They were even better in FFIX when they looked like they were wearing lipstick!! Hmmm, ok I'll stop this essay on Malboro for now.....until I write a lengthier one and send it to Google!!

Oh! A question... Hence Q&A.... What are the chances that I could abduct Googleshng and keep him/her as a pet?? Any ideas on how I should do it, being as though you are a master of all things enjoyable.

When a killer plant does't seek a friend, adopt it and name it Marbie,

O' Shrouded One

P.S. Marbie says "hi!"

ANDREW Well you'd probably have to change your class to beastmaster, and then you'd need to grab some sort of bell, because I hear that's how that sort of thing works nowadays, despite the fact this system should never have been resurrected from FFIX, regardless of how many sexy Malboros that game happens to have. Incidentally, I still can't shake the nagging suspicion that a certain tobacco company is getting a whole whack of free advertising thanks to Malboros, what with them being indigenous to Flavour Country and all.

Just came to me today, that I'd write two Tactics Ogre guides. One of them would be the SNES/PSX Tactics Ogre, the other the GBA Tactics Ogre: Knight of Lodis. Meaning I wouldn't be bored for awhile, going through each path on both games, and typing out everything I know of for each path on both games(three for Tactics Ogre, and two for Tactics Ogre: Knight of Lodis). Then put down the stat raise for each level up when a certain class, leveling up multiple times, and writing each number down on some paper, and dividing it all by the amount of levels I've done so you'll get how much they'll go up each level, as well as all the strengths and weaknesses of being each class.

The only thing is, I'm going to finish Azure Dreams, because I've started playing that again recently, which I've already beaten twice, but playing again.

So did Disgaea come in the mail yet? I've stopped playing Disgaea for a little while, I'm going to play it some more once I'm done with Azure Dreams again, but I just watched another trailer of Disgaea, just so I could look at the trailer, there are alot of attacks that I haven't even seen with the weapons I use on that trailer, and my weapons are really high leveled up because I've beaten the game and restarted my character with the Continue+ thing, and a higher level Ice, Fire, Wind, and Star spell than I have, where I thought ????(the strongest type I have, unnamed so I wont ruin the game), is the strongest, because by the name it sure sounds like its the last one, so where I just said it sure sounds like the last one, what is the only name it could be(so I gave it away right there, it's only a spell, so it won't ruin anything).

So, anyways, writing a Tactics Ogre guide would be the first of any type of faq or guide that I've written, and then since I am the master of runon sentences, because I don't take the time to read them back and see if they're correct or not, the grammar in them probably won't be very good, but if you could get by that, then it would be really helpful to people who want to master the game. So what do you think?

-andrew- -kupomogli-

ANDREW I'm thinking Disgaea has in fact arrived, but nobody ever checks the mail at my house, so it's currently stewing at the post office. As for the guide, most guides tend to include a lot of charts, so your unchecked grammar probably won't make too large a difference.

Maybe I'm just nitpicking, but what really angers me off about most of the Fnaly Fantasies, what really frosts me, what utter blinds me with uncontrolable rage is their insistance of the city-state system.

Every city in the Final Fantasies is a independent soveirgn nation. While this fits games in a middle ages or earlier setting fine, it makes no sense in Final Fantasy 7, 8 and I hate to admit it but 9 or 6 either.

You know, Blake, why are mayors the highest you can hope to achieve in the FF universe. The exceptions are the "Empires" which aside from their home city state own a wopping 1 city-state!!! Whoa, look out Ceasar. You have a run for your money.

In addition, there seems to be little taxation, interstate commerce or international commerce. I have yet to find any evidence of a truly centralized government or varying forms self government.

This angers me. ...A lot. Final Fantasy 7's Gold Palace, in which you have to walk through Hell to get through angers me. WHo would take their family to Disney World if you had to trek them on foot through Vietnam first. Temper Flaring.

I'm done ranting. I'm going to go break stuff.

Sincerely,

Tad Ghostal.

ANDREW Please, never call me Lane again.